I would give anything..
I want to cry.. I want to die... I want to curl up someplace and wish my body into the non existence my minds has been sent away too. I just wrote a small note to my ex girlfriend. Now and then people come up to me telling me she's been asking after me. Since it was clear she didn't wish to consort with me after I got back in town around mother's day.. I did my best to vanish in every way possible. I schooled everyone around me to refuse to mention anything about me. It's been near impossible to concentrate at work this past month.. the day my heart and soul perished is less than a month away. I have no energy yet all my insides are screaming.. I cant sit still.. and I've been visiting friends when I can simply so I can lie on the floor and press against the coldness of it. I wonder if I am becoming manic.. things happen that cant be real.. but they seem so real. It's hard to tell if I am sleeping or if I am awake.. the silence of my beating heart resonates in both realms. I need help.. desperately.. I just don't know what else to do any more. The past 24 hours I have been having waves of elation as tho I am a little girl ready to go to a friend's birthday party in a new dress. I cant help but feel like I am going home.. like it's there.. waiting for me.. like nothing ever happened.. like I haven't been gone for a year. No one seems to understand how I would give everything.. EVERYTHING to have that back again.
Mary pulled me away from another relationship with the impression that no one could ever treat me as good as she could.. she proved it ten times over.. but it seems she had to prove it to someone else as well. I wake up in the middle of the night, nearly every night and wonder if I should take myself to Mercy or Western Psych.. for some reason spending a day tucked away in a corner there sounds very grounding.. yet I doubt they will allow me to check in and out like it's a hotel.
Mary pulled me away from another relationship with the impression that no one could ever treat me as good as she could.. she proved it ten times over.. but it seems she had to prove it to someone else as well. I wake up in the middle of the night, nearly every night and wonder if I should take myself to Mercy or Western Psych.. for some reason spending a day tucked away in a corner there sounds very grounding.. yet I doubt they will allow me to check in and out like it's a hotel.