Monster
There are certain days where, for some reason unknown to me, my social phobia acts up real bad. I can go a year without it, then sometimes it strikes like 20 times a year, other times, it's every other day for a month then it just goes away again. It's completely random. But I frustrates and pains me to no end. there's nothing in the world to me more painful, than social phobia, and how it effects me when it occurs. But the worst, is for some reason, my grandmother came to visit, and it struck real bad. Sometimes in my mind I feel as though I can tell the other person can tell that I am nervous, and that makes me even more nervous, and I come off so uncomfortable it makes the other person uncomfortable. To my eye, I see them becoming uncomfortable and I feel so terribly bad for what I have made them feel. It was my goddamn grandmother...and I felt like a monster for making her uncomfortable. At least, this is what I think happens. But when I ask my parents about it later on, they tell me I didbn't seem uncomfortable to them at all, and that grandma didn't either, and everything was perfectly fine. Am I really able to hide my emotions so well? Nobody can see my nervousness and fear? It seems like anybody would obviously see it, but nobody ever seems to. I am invisible in my own cage of paranoia, and the world seems so convincing through it. I swear I can tell when people are uncomfortable, and I swear she was uncomfortable because I was uncomfortable. and I felt guilty beyond words. In my mind, after I left the room to come online, I kept swearing to her in my mind, "I am so sorry grandma, I am so sorry for what a monster I am, I am so sorry for making you uncomfortable, I am sorry I don't know how to be social, I am sorry I am notthe person I want to be at the moment, to make you happy and smile." I felt like crying from my shame, my shame at the embarrasing social moments, but apparently it was all in my head. The entire reality of it, all in my head. Nobody noticed anything except a good conversation between families, and joy and laughter. What the fuck is wrong with me? I think I am insane...or if not insane, then I am getting there, and to be quite honest, I wouldn't mind the cracked reality of insanity for a time.