Ghost of the Past
Just got back from Jed and Christina's annual New Year's Eve party. Somewhat of a tradition I suppose among the 'goth' scene here in Wichita. It was very surreal for me to say the least. Holly was fricking there! Holly?!? Why the fuck was she there?!? Seriously, she had to drive at least 3 bloody hours out of her way to be here. And with her current boyfriend no less. That was fun. (Though I must say, as arrogant as this may sound, I'm much more attractive then he is).
Doubtlessly those who hung out with me on a regular basis between March of 2000 and April of 2002 remember her. Either because you met her or because I spoke about her so much. I don't really want to go into it though as it's long, complicated, convoluted, and ends bitterly to say the least.
We hadn't even spoken to each other in nearly three years. We still didn't speak to each other tonight. It was very weird for me. Seeing her (she's still so god-damn attractive which makes it even harder) instantly resurfaced all the emotions I was feeling towards her 3 years ago. Which is basically a bizarre amalgamation of desire and hatred. Yes hatred. A part of me does miss her and regrets a lot of the dumb shit I did; the other part genuinely hates her for everything she did. Like I said, complicated.
She sent Angela (her former roommate, now living here and apparently the reason she came here in the first place) to talk to me for her. That was a weird conversation in and of itself.
A part of me thinks I should be over this. Thinks I should be past it. I know it sounds silly and rather immature. But for some reason I just can't seem to help it. And I don't know what to do about it. I guess honestly I just didn't think I'd ever see her again and that would be that. Obviously that was a naive thing to think. Also you would think after three years it would just die down but clearly there are a lot of unsettled issues that are still there.
It tears me up inside thinking about it and I hate myself for it.
The year just began but so far it's been very surreal for me; and I now have a feeling that the whole bloody year is going to be that way.
Sorry for the long rant, but I just had to vent. What the hell's the point of even having an LJ if you can't at least do that with it. I'm sure most of you think there's something wrong with me now.
Doubtlessly those who hung out with me on a regular basis between March of 2000 and April of 2002 remember her. Either because you met her or because I spoke about her so much. I don't really want to go into it though as it's long, complicated, convoluted, and ends bitterly to say the least.
We hadn't even spoken to each other in nearly three years. We still didn't speak to each other tonight. It was very weird for me. Seeing her (she's still so god-damn attractive which makes it even harder) instantly resurfaced all the emotions I was feeling towards her 3 years ago. Which is basically a bizarre amalgamation of desire and hatred. Yes hatred. A part of me does miss her and regrets a lot of the dumb shit I did; the other part genuinely hates her for everything she did. Like I said, complicated.
She sent Angela (her former roommate, now living here and apparently the reason she came here in the first place) to talk to me for her. That was a weird conversation in and of itself.
A part of me thinks I should be over this. Thinks I should be past it. I know it sounds silly and rather immature. But for some reason I just can't seem to help it. And I don't know what to do about it. I guess honestly I just didn't think I'd ever see her again and that would be that. Obviously that was a naive thing to think. Also you would think after three years it would just die down but clearly there are a lot of unsettled issues that are still there.
It tears me up inside thinking about it and I hate myself for it.
The year just began but so far it's been very surreal for me; and I now have a feeling that the whole bloody year is going to be that way.
Sorry for the long rant, but I just had to vent. What the hell's the point of even having an LJ if you can't at least do that with it. I'm sure most of you think there's something wrong with me now.