The Spectator (one-shot)
Ueda Tatsuya was an observer. He always had been. As a child, instead of playing with the other children on his street, he would sit on a nearby wall and watch as little boys played cowboys and Indians, chased the little girls and accused them of having ‘girl bugs’. It never occurred to Tatsuya that he could join in; after all he found it perfectly acceptable to watch the fun as if it was a film played at a cinema.
He wasn’t sure how he’d become such a rabid fan of observing, but when he moved into his teenage years he started to understand things that a juvenile mind was saved from. Ignorance was bliss, but such a belief was contrary to his way of life. He was a spectator of the world, and to see the most beautiful aspects of life he would have to face the earth as it really was. As painful as it was, it was his mission, so when he found out that he wasn’t his fathers’ child he didn’t shed a tear.
Tatsuya, you must snap out of this fantasy world and do as you’re told. His mother instructed him daily. Your father and I have high expectations of you and we can’t let you fail.
Such things always happened in dramas and movies. The typical young man who was pressured by his parents to be a success was a frequent character in modern day stories. He’d seen and read so many of them that he was convinced that he could get through the darkness surrounding his supposed ‘family’. But Tatsuya hardly put thought to his emotions; he was perfectly happy floating through life and doing as he was told. If his life was already planned for him then what else could he do but sit back and watch his life pass by?
This was how Ueda Tatsuya supposed that his nature was created - lack of control on reality. He was a lost cause to his own mind, so naturally, he focused intently on other people. He stared deeply into their eyes and figured them out in less than a minute. Sometimes he likened it to a psychic ability, but of course, such things were better left in comic books than brought to the outside world.
Needless to say, there was only one thing that could possibly sway Tatsuya to think for himself, and it was a connection to the other world. Only another person who was willing to listen to him and love him for who he was could possibly open Tatsuya back to reality. He’d hidden himself deep inside his own mind, so whoever the knight in shining armour was, they would have to be strong and secure in themselves.
Oh, and due to Tatsuya’s preference, they would also have to be male.
Tatsuya was very willing to be rescued. He searched for such a person every day. He was content as a bystander of life, but it would never fill the void in his heart that had been saved for a lover. Tatsuya had known that he was gay for a long time but he had never uttered a word to anyone about it. Such a ruckus would only disturb his peaceful lifestyle and send his parents crazy. Nevertheless, he was a 20 year old male with no experience in love - his heart had finally started to ache for somebody.
For the first time in Ueda Tatsuya’s life, romance movies and drama’s weren’t good enough. He needed his own story.
There was a coffee shop not far away from his university campus that Tatsuya adored. His parents would normally ask for him to come home to do his work, but he’d devised a timetable in his mind that told him when he could visit the coffee shop in peace.
It was a small cafe on the corner of a busy street. The sound of traffic mumbled at the traffic lights, but it was never loud enough to put Tatsuya off his food. A couple of thin trees lined the pavement outside the shop, and during autumn they would shed their auburn leaves and create skeleton shadows on the coffee shop floor. The counter was wooden and held an old fashioned till on its back. The walls were jade green with a wooden border that ran like a train track around the whole shop. He wasn’t sure whether he liked the jade colour, but somehow it worked perfectly with the wood and autumn sunlight.
The coffee shop, named C&M, was the perfect place to observe the normal pedestrians everyday life. Tatsuya would usually sit at the table closest to the window, throw his science books over the tabletop and stare out of the glass at the nearby street. It became routine for Tatsuya, but it was not only the view that kept him sat at that same table every day…
A regular. Just as he was. The man was a mystery wrapped up in skin and cloth. He would walk into C&M and order a medium cappuccino and sit at the back of the café to read a book. Sometimes he would also order a sweet bun, but Tatsuya had noticed that he would only ever do such a thing if he intended to stay at the café for longer than usual. Some days he would forget his books, take out a newspaper and glare at it as if he was in a deep debate with the editors.
There was something about his face that was intriguing. His eyes told a story that was far too deep for Tatsuya to sniff out. This worried Tatsuya; if he couldn’t work out this man then surely his prized ‘psychic’ ability was useless? But it wasn’t just that. Even the aura of this man worried him. His presence put Tatsuya on edge, made him grip onto his chair and brought a red tint to his cheeks. After weeks of watching the man walk in and out of the coffee shop, Tatsuya finally pondered to himself: is this what it’s like to fall in love?
Love at first sight was a lie, right? How could Tatsuya object when his restrained emotions were finally rebelling to his own will? He continued to observe the man and consequently attempt to understand his own feelings. For someone who’d never tried to listen to himself, it was a difficult task to complete.
Then one day in September, while Tatsuya was innocently reading a medicine book, a voice suddenly cracked through the silence and made the poor man flinch.
“Hey, you.” The man called. “You’re always here at the same time as me, right?”
Tatsuya pushed himself round so that he could look at the man who was sat behind him. He had a long grey jacket on and seemed to have forgotten to shave, unless he wanted to look a little more rugged for the day ahead. The most important observation, Tatsuya thought, was the sweet bun sat on his table. That meant that he had time. That meant that there was no escape.
“Y-yes, we’re both regulars here I guess.” Ueda stammered nervously. “At the same time… every day…”
“I noticed you a while ago.” The man explained. He took a sip of his coffee and sat forward in his chair. Tatsuya pursed his lips and clenched his fists around the top of his chair. “You always look this way, as if you want to say something but you can’t. I was wondering if you could talk at all.”
Tatsuya chuckled and shook his head.
“I can talk, obviously.” He replied. “But I don’t have much to say, that’s all.”
“Ok…” The man pulled a face at the comment and then laughed. Tatsuya guessed that the man would stop talking and then leave the café. After that they would get on with their lives as if nothing happened, and eventually the man would forget about the café and forget about Tatsuya completely.
After a few seconds, the man stood from his chair, dragged it over to Tatsuya’s table and sat down with him. He plonked his cappuccino on top of the wooden surface and smiled charmingly. “My name’s Nishikido Ryo. I’d like to know your name, because you seem like an interesting person to me.”
“Ueda T-tatsuya.” Ueda almost choked. Thankfully he managed to swallow his coffee instead of spraying it all over Nishikido, but how he would fare for the rest of the conversation he wasn’t sure. Just to be safe, he put his coffee down and kept his hands on his lap.
“You must be a student.” Ryo assumed. He pointed at the medicine books and smiled. “That looks pretty tough.”
Tatsuya nodded nervously and glanced at his books. He hardly ever talked about himself, but medicine and science was definitely a subject he didn’t like to discuss.
“Aren’t you a student?” He asked. “Everyone around here seems to be at the university.”
Ryo shook his head and leant back in his chair. It seemed the man was comfortable in Tatsuya’s presence, something that made him smile.
“Nah, I’m not cut out for that...” Ryo answered. He paused and took a sip of coffee. Tatsuya waited for an explanation, but nothing happened. Nishikido truly was a mystery; someone who withheld everything about himself until directly asked.
“If you don’t study, then do you have a job?” Tatsuya asked innocently. Ryo’s eyes lit up, something that Tatsuya never expected to happen, and he grinned like a child.
“I’m a musician.” He announced proudly. Something within that statement made Tatsuya happy too. The eyes that he once thought were sad or somewhat distracted were shining and certain. There was a strength inside Nishikido that repelled the grief and made life worth living - Tatsuya was sure of it. “Music makes me happy, so I share happiness.”
“That sounds…” Tatsuya started. He stopped while he thought about an appropriate word to follow. “That sounds free.”
“Excuse me?” Nishikido asked with a smirk on his face.
“It sounds free.” Tatsuya repeated, worried about Nishikido’s reaction. “You know… without restriction.”
Ryo smiled. A completely new sparkle lit up his eye and suddenly Tatsuya wasn’t sure of how to react. There was something warm growing in his chest, something comforting and homely. He found it strange that such a hot feeling could take over his body without the aid of a coat, but it filled him with excitement to think that another human being could create such a unique force upon him.
“See.” Ryo replied simply. “I told you that you were interesting.”
.........................................................................
Nishikido liked to think that he could speak any language. His guitar did the talking and his heart translated it into anything you wanted to hear.
He’d always worn his heart on his sleeve; as a teenager he would throw himself into dangerous situations without any thought of the consequences. He would fall for girls frequently and forget to think about the recipitents feelings as he announced his undying love. It resulted in heartache, fiery tantrums and well-planned revenge.
There was no explanation for his hyper-active emotions. Ryo guessed that his argumentative parents were partly to blame; their constant arguments meant that they had no time for their sons. He tended to shrug such behaviour off, and a few days after his sixteenth birthday his parents finally got divorced - a late birthday present for Nishikido.
So what if his parents didn’t believe in love? Ryo was something along the lines of an extremist. Despite his soppy behaviour he was never challenged or tormented, in fact he was somewhat feared. His concentration was fixed upon the mind, and consequently he was the toughest teen around. Even though he was the smallest boy in his class he could take on any bully from any year and win. He was the boy without fear, the boy who didn’t care for broken bones or bruises and only cared about his heart.
His mother was his biggest fan. She would congratulate his efforts and remind him of how beautiful he was. She spoilt him rotten, but thankfully Ryo managed to ignore her over the top comments. While his mother had been arguing with her husband, Ryo had been fighting for the cause of love, and during the war he’d discovered more about himself than his mother could ever tell him.
Firstly, he was a short, stubby teenager with spots. He’d managed to get over that fact rather quickly. Secondly, he was quite intimidating to girls. Every girl he’d ever talked to had been wary of his snide comments and bitchy attitude. Ryo was the kind of boy who wouldn’t start arguments, or at least that was what his classmates thought. After many breakups and rejections from girlfriends, he’d finally realised what a bitch he was.
At the age of seventeen he decided to reform himself. Finally, he started to grow. He changed his style, he stopped causing fights and he had fun with his friends. He wasn’t sure whether the need to change affected his preferences or whether time had simply done its damage, but it wasn’t just his outward appearance that started to change…
Ryo gave up on studying. He gave up on women. He snuck out of his room every night to join his friends and prove himself to the gangs that they’d met on the streets. Ryo cringed at all of the things that they did together, but there was one incident that changed his life forever, and that was the crush he developed on the gang leader - Yamashita.
When he looked back on his time with the teenage gang he laughed. Their illegal activity seemed risky at the time but ridiculous in present day. Despite that, Yamashita seemed like the coolest guy alive; designer clothing, dyed hair and a customized motorbike that all the other boys drooled over. There was only one problem, a problem that lingered in Ryo’s mind for days: gang leaders aren’t gay.
Ryo was very wrong.
One night, after drinking far too much alcohol in a shabby excuse for a hideout, Yamashita offered to take Ryo home. Nishikido was obviously drunk, so to avoid getting in trouble with his parents, it was vital to be home discreetly and sleep until school started. Yamashita had quit school and always laughed at those who attended, but Ryo was different. Ryo was the mysterious favourite of Yamashita.
Before he returned home, he had sex with Yamashita in a back alley. It was dirty, it was disgraceful, but most of all, it was great. Ryo ran into his house and exclaimed his sexuality for all who could hear.
The first person to love him was a man, and he wanted everyone to know about it.
After three years, his father still refused to talk to him. His mother had accepted his sexuality but wasn’t keen on talking about it. Whenever Ryo returned to his home, his brothers would tease him until he cried. Nishikido was 20 years old but still wore his heart on his sleeve, even when being teased by his younger brothers.
Music was the only release. His band moved to Tokyo in an attempt to get big. Ryo wasn’t sure how far they would go with their music but the facts remained; Tokyo brought opportunities that Osaka couldn’t quite deliver.
The age of 20 seemed to last forever. That was until he met Ueda Tatsuya. The strange man would stare at him every time he ordered a coffee. Nishikido hadn’t always liked coffee, in fact he used to hate the stuff, but his newly turned adult tongue seemed to crave caffeine every morning. Eventually, the craving for caffeine was replaced with something else, or more accurately, someone else. A craving for Ueda Tatsuya’s attention.
Once he’d conjured the confidence to talk to Ueda, he offered to meet with the student every day at the coffee shop. Their relationship grew to the point where Ryo wanted, no, needed to express his feelings. Tatsuya made him feel like a teenager again, a loved up, hormonally raged teenager with spots. It was a shame that Tatsuya was so shy, otherwise Ryo would have confessed within days of meeting him.
It was a mystery to Nishikido how he woke up one day and knew that he was about to confess his love for Ueda Tatsuya. Something must have changed in the air. There was a drug in his blood that was sending him crazy, tipping him over the edge and pressuring him into calling Tatsuya and bellowing his love down the phone. He brushed his teeth, washed his face, hopped around his bedroom as he put on his trousers and finally threw a white T-shirt over his head.
Today is definitely the day! He sang to himself in his mind. He texted his bandmates to inform him that he would be busy during the day and selected the name that shone ‘Tat-chan’.
It rang for a while before Tatsuya picked up.
“Hello? Ryo?”
“Hey!” Ryo exclaimed. He bit his lip, worried that his greeting was a little too enthusiastic. “Erm, are you busy today?”
“Well, my parents want me back at six. Right now, I’m by the river, next to the university.”
Ryo pulled a puzzled look and nodded his head.
“Ok, that means you’re free, right?” Ryo asked naively. There was a short pause, and then finally Tatsuya answered.
“I suppose so, yes.”
Ryo scowled in confusion. Tatsuya sounded weird and he didn’t like it.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He snapped. “You’re so dozy!”
“I’m sorry Ryo.” Tatsuya replied, obviously upset over something. His voice quivered at he spoke, and it sent shivers down Ryo’s spine.
“Ok, stay there.” Ryo instructed. “I’m going to find you.”
He hung up on Tatsuya and ran towards the door. It only took five minutes to get directly to the university by train, so he grabbed his card and left the messy flat that he liked to call a ‘home’. He was a complete mess; his baggy jeans were covered in paint and his white top wasn’t exactly the whitest it could be, but he had no time to think of such trivial things. Tatsuya was upset about something, and if he wasn’t there for him then what kind of friend would he be?
The train was busy, and worst of all it stank of sweat. Ryo was lucky that he only had to be on the carriage for five minutes, but some of the businessmen who were sat on the seats with newspapers covering their faces would have to stay on for a long time. He felt sorry for them, but at the same time he was sure that they contributed to the smell.
Once the train stopped he pushed past the masses of students and burst onto the platform. He ran at full speed down the station and out of the double doors. The river was behind the main building, and it was only possible to get to it through the west entrance. He jogged towards it, his breathing becoming difficult, and kicked open the wire gate that kept the entrance protected.
Tatsuya was stood at the concrete pathway. A mystery wrapped up in a navy blue scarf. He stared at the placid water emotionlessly. The river bank was made of concrete except for the odd patch of grass that appeared a few meters at a time. The grass had become muddy due to the winter rain, and Ryo almost slipped as he walked over to Tatsuya. He didn’t understand what Ueda was looking at. Was it his reflection? Was there something in the water? After a few more steps he realised that there were a few ripples in the water, and the source was a pile of papers on the water’s surface.
“Tatsuya?” Ryo called quietly. He didn’t look up. He stared at the papers gravely as tears fell down his cheeks. Ryo knew about Tatsuya’s course and he knew that it meant a lot to his parents, so why had he thrown his work into the river? “What’s happened Tatsu?”
“I failed.” He sighed. He wiped a tear away with his wrist and sighed weakly. “I had to apply to a course to start my training, but no one accepted me. I failed the applications and now I can’t start my training after university.”
Silence. Only the wind spoke. It created a small tide in the river that pushed the papers away. The only additional force creating ripples in the water was Ueda’s tears.
Ryo walked up to Tatsuya and slapped a hand over his back.
“You never really wanted to be a doctor, did you?” Ryo asked cautiously. Tatsuya shook his head and pursed his lips.
“I didn’t think I’d care. I’ve never been in control of my own life and I’ve never cared. But I sat down for the application test and all I could think about was…” He stopped and bit his lip. One glance at Ryo made it clear to both men what he was about to say. “All I could think about was Nishikido Ryo.”
“Why?” Ryo asked.
“You’re the symbol of complete freedom.” Tatsuya explained. “The man who’s not afraid of anything. Who does what he wants, says what he wants and knows what he wants. As hard as I try I don’t understand.”
“Tat-chan it’s easy.” Ryo smiled. He bent his knees so that he could look up at Tatsuya’s lowered head. “Just let go, think about the present, forget about your parents and stay with me.”
Tatsuya shook his head. Ryo sighed at his reaction and stood up straight. There was no easy way to get through to Ueda, but he had to do it. After all, today was his day, wasn’t it? He pursed his lips and nodded his head. If you’re the man who’s not afraid of anything, then show Tatsuya how you feel!
He swooped around Tatsuya and hugged him from behind. His arms leant on Ueda’s hips and wrapped around his stomach. He leant his head on Tatsuya’s left shoulder and sighed into his jacket. “You’re cold, Tatsu.” Ryo whispered. “You’re always cold.”
“How can I be warm when both my parents are so cold?” He chuckled. “For the first time in my life I hate them, but only because I’ve finally failed them.”
“Tat-chan, parents are just people.” Ryo mumbled. “Even though they act like they own us, they’re just as stupid as any other human being.”
There was another long silence. This time it was comfortable. Tatsuya loved the warmth that Ryo provided and Ryo was perfectly happy to help. There was only one small problem, and it resided within Ryo’s mind. “I haven’t ruined your life have I?” He asked quietly.
Tatsuya’s eyes widened in shock. He escaped Ryo’s grasp and turned to him.
“No!” He cried. Tatsuya sighed and pinched between his eyes. “I’ve always wanted to find someone like you; someone who would take me from this reality into their own. Because for years I’ve just been…”
“An observer.” Ryo continued. “That’s what you told me. You watch other people and work them out because you don’t like your own life.” Ryo nodded and grabbed Tatsuya’s hands. “Well I can make you happy. You can leave you parents and live with me. It won’t be the most conventional relationship and we won’t have as much money as a doctor but we’ll be happy! I promise you. I’ll be your… knight in shining armour!”
Tatsuya couldn’t help but laugh at the statement. Ryo was hardly a knight, but he was better than that. Suddenly, Ryo leant forward and kissed Tatsuya softly. “I mean it, don’t laugh.” He muttered.
Tatsuya ignored Ryo’s sarcasm and kissed him back. His lips were so soft and enticing that he just couldn’t stop. Ryo’s tongue begged for entrance to Tatsuya’s mouth, and when Tatsuya allowed it their tongues touched to start a special dance of their own. Ryo’s hands wandered around Tatsuya’s body, and as if his actions were mirror imaged, Tatsuya did the same. His right hand reached the back of Ryo’s head and took hold of his black hair as they kissed.
When they eventually stopped, Ryo stared into Tatsuya’s eyes with a shimmer that was unknown to Tatsuya. It wasn’t frightening, it was reassuring, and it made Tatsuya’s heart flutter even more than it had previously.
“We could learn a lot from each other, don’t you think?” Ryo asked.
Tatsuya nodded. He couldn’t take his eyes off Nishikido, the man who had brought emotion back to his cold, dead mind. He felt like he was breathing new air, exciting and refreshing air, as if he really had stepped into Ryo’s world and left his old life behind.
It was time to stop observing the world and start living in it.
He wasn’t sure how he’d become such a rabid fan of observing, but when he moved into his teenage years he started to understand things that a juvenile mind was saved from. Ignorance was bliss, but such a belief was contrary to his way of life. He was a spectator of the world, and to see the most beautiful aspects of life he would have to face the earth as it really was. As painful as it was, it was his mission, so when he found out that he wasn’t his fathers’ child he didn’t shed a tear.
Tatsuya, you must snap out of this fantasy world and do as you’re told. His mother instructed him daily. Your father and I have high expectations of you and we can’t let you fail.
Such things always happened in dramas and movies. The typical young man who was pressured by his parents to be a success was a frequent character in modern day stories. He’d seen and read so many of them that he was convinced that he could get through the darkness surrounding his supposed ‘family’. But Tatsuya hardly put thought to his emotions; he was perfectly happy floating through life and doing as he was told. If his life was already planned for him then what else could he do but sit back and watch his life pass by?
This was how Ueda Tatsuya supposed that his nature was created - lack of control on reality. He was a lost cause to his own mind, so naturally, he focused intently on other people. He stared deeply into their eyes and figured them out in less than a minute. Sometimes he likened it to a psychic ability, but of course, such things were better left in comic books than brought to the outside world.
Needless to say, there was only one thing that could possibly sway Tatsuya to think for himself, and it was a connection to the other world. Only another person who was willing to listen to him and love him for who he was could possibly open Tatsuya back to reality. He’d hidden himself deep inside his own mind, so whoever the knight in shining armour was, they would have to be strong and secure in themselves.
Oh, and due to Tatsuya’s preference, they would also have to be male.
Tatsuya was very willing to be rescued. He searched for such a person every day. He was content as a bystander of life, but it would never fill the void in his heart that had been saved for a lover. Tatsuya had known that he was gay for a long time but he had never uttered a word to anyone about it. Such a ruckus would only disturb his peaceful lifestyle and send his parents crazy. Nevertheless, he was a 20 year old male with no experience in love - his heart had finally started to ache for somebody.
For the first time in Ueda Tatsuya’s life, romance movies and drama’s weren’t good enough. He needed his own story.
There was a coffee shop not far away from his university campus that Tatsuya adored. His parents would normally ask for him to come home to do his work, but he’d devised a timetable in his mind that told him when he could visit the coffee shop in peace.
It was a small cafe on the corner of a busy street. The sound of traffic mumbled at the traffic lights, but it was never loud enough to put Tatsuya off his food. A couple of thin trees lined the pavement outside the shop, and during autumn they would shed their auburn leaves and create skeleton shadows on the coffee shop floor. The counter was wooden and held an old fashioned till on its back. The walls were jade green with a wooden border that ran like a train track around the whole shop. He wasn’t sure whether he liked the jade colour, but somehow it worked perfectly with the wood and autumn sunlight.
The coffee shop, named C&M, was the perfect place to observe the normal pedestrians everyday life. Tatsuya would usually sit at the table closest to the window, throw his science books over the tabletop and stare out of the glass at the nearby street. It became routine for Tatsuya, but it was not only the view that kept him sat at that same table every day…
A regular. Just as he was. The man was a mystery wrapped up in skin and cloth. He would walk into C&M and order a medium cappuccino and sit at the back of the café to read a book. Sometimes he would also order a sweet bun, but Tatsuya had noticed that he would only ever do such a thing if he intended to stay at the café for longer than usual. Some days he would forget his books, take out a newspaper and glare at it as if he was in a deep debate with the editors.
There was something about his face that was intriguing. His eyes told a story that was far too deep for Tatsuya to sniff out. This worried Tatsuya; if he couldn’t work out this man then surely his prized ‘psychic’ ability was useless? But it wasn’t just that. Even the aura of this man worried him. His presence put Tatsuya on edge, made him grip onto his chair and brought a red tint to his cheeks. After weeks of watching the man walk in and out of the coffee shop, Tatsuya finally pondered to himself: is this what it’s like to fall in love?
Love at first sight was a lie, right? How could Tatsuya object when his restrained emotions were finally rebelling to his own will? He continued to observe the man and consequently attempt to understand his own feelings. For someone who’d never tried to listen to himself, it was a difficult task to complete.
Then one day in September, while Tatsuya was innocently reading a medicine book, a voice suddenly cracked through the silence and made the poor man flinch.
“Hey, you.” The man called. “You’re always here at the same time as me, right?”
Tatsuya pushed himself round so that he could look at the man who was sat behind him. He had a long grey jacket on and seemed to have forgotten to shave, unless he wanted to look a little more rugged for the day ahead. The most important observation, Tatsuya thought, was the sweet bun sat on his table. That meant that he had time. That meant that there was no escape.
“Y-yes, we’re both regulars here I guess.” Ueda stammered nervously. “At the same time… every day…”
“I noticed you a while ago.” The man explained. He took a sip of his coffee and sat forward in his chair. Tatsuya pursed his lips and clenched his fists around the top of his chair. “You always look this way, as if you want to say something but you can’t. I was wondering if you could talk at all.”
Tatsuya chuckled and shook his head.
“I can talk, obviously.” He replied. “But I don’t have much to say, that’s all.”
“Ok…” The man pulled a face at the comment and then laughed. Tatsuya guessed that the man would stop talking and then leave the café. After that they would get on with their lives as if nothing happened, and eventually the man would forget about the café and forget about Tatsuya completely.
After a few seconds, the man stood from his chair, dragged it over to Tatsuya’s table and sat down with him. He plonked his cappuccino on top of the wooden surface and smiled charmingly. “My name’s Nishikido Ryo. I’d like to know your name, because you seem like an interesting person to me.”
“Ueda T-tatsuya.” Ueda almost choked. Thankfully he managed to swallow his coffee instead of spraying it all over Nishikido, but how he would fare for the rest of the conversation he wasn’t sure. Just to be safe, he put his coffee down and kept his hands on his lap.
“You must be a student.” Ryo assumed. He pointed at the medicine books and smiled. “That looks pretty tough.”
Tatsuya nodded nervously and glanced at his books. He hardly ever talked about himself, but medicine and science was definitely a subject he didn’t like to discuss.
“Aren’t you a student?” He asked. “Everyone around here seems to be at the university.”
Ryo shook his head and leant back in his chair. It seemed the man was comfortable in Tatsuya’s presence, something that made him smile.
“Nah, I’m not cut out for that...” Ryo answered. He paused and took a sip of coffee. Tatsuya waited for an explanation, but nothing happened. Nishikido truly was a mystery; someone who withheld everything about himself until directly asked.
“If you don’t study, then do you have a job?” Tatsuya asked innocently. Ryo’s eyes lit up, something that Tatsuya never expected to happen, and he grinned like a child.
“I’m a musician.” He announced proudly. Something within that statement made Tatsuya happy too. The eyes that he once thought were sad or somewhat distracted were shining and certain. There was a strength inside Nishikido that repelled the grief and made life worth living - Tatsuya was sure of it. “Music makes me happy, so I share happiness.”
“That sounds…” Tatsuya started. He stopped while he thought about an appropriate word to follow. “That sounds free.”
“Excuse me?” Nishikido asked with a smirk on his face.
“It sounds free.” Tatsuya repeated, worried about Nishikido’s reaction. “You know… without restriction.”
Ryo smiled. A completely new sparkle lit up his eye and suddenly Tatsuya wasn’t sure of how to react. There was something warm growing in his chest, something comforting and homely. He found it strange that such a hot feeling could take over his body without the aid of a coat, but it filled him with excitement to think that another human being could create such a unique force upon him.
“See.” Ryo replied simply. “I told you that you were interesting.”
.........................................................................
Nishikido liked to think that he could speak any language. His guitar did the talking and his heart translated it into anything you wanted to hear.
He’d always worn his heart on his sleeve; as a teenager he would throw himself into dangerous situations without any thought of the consequences. He would fall for girls frequently and forget to think about the recipitents feelings as he announced his undying love. It resulted in heartache, fiery tantrums and well-planned revenge.
There was no explanation for his hyper-active emotions. Ryo guessed that his argumentative parents were partly to blame; their constant arguments meant that they had no time for their sons. He tended to shrug such behaviour off, and a few days after his sixteenth birthday his parents finally got divorced - a late birthday present for Nishikido.
So what if his parents didn’t believe in love? Ryo was something along the lines of an extremist. Despite his soppy behaviour he was never challenged or tormented, in fact he was somewhat feared. His concentration was fixed upon the mind, and consequently he was the toughest teen around. Even though he was the smallest boy in his class he could take on any bully from any year and win. He was the boy without fear, the boy who didn’t care for broken bones or bruises and only cared about his heart.
His mother was his biggest fan. She would congratulate his efforts and remind him of how beautiful he was. She spoilt him rotten, but thankfully Ryo managed to ignore her over the top comments. While his mother had been arguing with her husband, Ryo had been fighting for the cause of love, and during the war he’d discovered more about himself than his mother could ever tell him.
Firstly, he was a short, stubby teenager with spots. He’d managed to get over that fact rather quickly. Secondly, he was quite intimidating to girls. Every girl he’d ever talked to had been wary of his snide comments and bitchy attitude. Ryo was the kind of boy who wouldn’t start arguments, or at least that was what his classmates thought. After many breakups and rejections from girlfriends, he’d finally realised what a bitch he was.
At the age of seventeen he decided to reform himself. Finally, he started to grow. He changed his style, he stopped causing fights and he had fun with his friends. He wasn’t sure whether the need to change affected his preferences or whether time had simply done its damage, but it wasn’t just his outward appearance that started to change…
Ryo gave up on studying. He gave up on women. He snuck out of his room every night to join his friends and prove himself to the gangs that they’d met on the streets. Ryo cringed at all of the things that they did together, but there was one incident that changed his life forever, and that was the crush he developed on the gang leader - Yamashita.
When he looked back on his time with the teenage gang he laughed. Their illegal activity seemed risky at the time but ridiculous in present day. Despite that, Yamashita seemed like the coolest guy alive; designer clothing, dyed hair and a customized motorbike that all the other boys drooled over. There was only one problem, a problem that lingered in Ryo’s mind for days: gang leaders aren’t gay.
Ryo was very wrong.
One night, after drinking far too much alcohol in a shabby excuse for a hideout, Yamashita offered to take Ryo home. Nishikido was obviously drunk, so to avoid getting in trouble with his parents, it was vital to be home discreetly and sleep until school started. Yamashita had quit school and always laughed at those who attended, but Ryo was different. Ryo was the mysterious favourite of Yamashita.
Before he returned home, he had sex with Yamashita in a back alley. It was dirty, it was disgraceful, but most of all, it was great. Ryo ran into his house and exclaimed his sexuality for all who could hear.
The first person to love him was a man, and he wanted everyone to know about it.
After three years, his father still refused to talk to him. His mother had accepted his sexuality but wasn’t keen on talking about it. Whenever Ryo returned to his home, his brothers would tease him until he cried. Nishikido was 20 years old but still wore his heart on his sleeve, even when being teased by his younger brothers.
Music was the only release. His band moved to Tokyo in an attempt to get big. Ryo wasn’t sure how far they would go with their music but the facts remained; Tokyo brought opportunities that Osaka couldn’t quite deliver.
The age of 20 seemed to last forever. That was until he met Ueda Tatsuya. The strange man would stare at him every time he ordered a coffee. Nishikido hadn’t always liked coffee, in fact he used to hate the stuff, but his newly turned adult tongue seemed to crave caffeine every morning. Eventually, the craving for caffeine was replaced with something else, or more accurately, someone else. A craving for Ueda Tatsuya’s attention.
Once he’d conjured the confidence to talk to Ueda, he offered to meet with the student every day at the coffee shop. Their relationship grew to the point where Ryo wanted, no, needed to express his feelings. Tatsuya made him feel like a teenager again, a loved up, hormonally raged teenager with spots. It was a shame that Tatsuya was so shy, otherwise Ryo would have confessed within days of meeting him.
It was a mystery to Nishikido how he woke up one day and knew that he was about to confess his love for Ueda Tatsuya. Something must have changed in the air. There was a drug in his blood that was sending him crazy, tipping him over the edge and pressuring him into calling Tatsuya and bellowing his love down the phone. He brushed his teeth, washed his face, hopped around his bedroom as he put on his trousers and finally threw a white T-shirt over his head.
Today is definitely the day! He sang to himself in his mind. He texted his bandmates to inform him that he would be busy during the day and selected the name that shone ‘Tat-chan’.
It rang for a while before Tatsuya picked up.
“Hello? Ryo?”
“Hey!” Ryo exclaimed. He bit his lip, worried that his greeting was a little too enthusiastic. “Erm, are you busy today?”
“Well, my parents want me back at six. Right now, I’m by the river, next to the university.”
Ryo pulled a puzzled look and nodded his head.
“Ok, that means you’re free, right?” Ryo asked naively. There was a short pause, and then finally Tatsuya answered.
“I suppose so, yes.”
Ryo scowled in confusion. Tatsuya sounded weird and he didn’t like it.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He snapped. “You’re so dozy!”
“I’m sorry Ryo.” Tatsuya replied, obviously upset over something. His voice quivered at he spoke, and it sent shivers down Ryo’s spine.
“Ok, stay there.” Ryo instructed. “I’m going to find you.”
He hung up on Tatsuya and ran towards the door. It only took five minutes to get directly to the university by train, so he grabbed his card and left the messy flat that he liked to call a ‘home’. He was a complete mess; his baggy jeans were covered in paint and his white top wasn’t exactly the whitest it could be, but he had no time to think of such trivial things. Tatsuya was upset about something, and if he wasn’t there for him then what kind of friend would he be?
The train was busy, and worst of all it stank of sweat. Ryo was lucky that he only had to be on the carriage for five minutes, but some of the businessmen who were sat on the seats with newspapers covering their faces would have to stay on for a long time. He felt sorry for them, but at the same time he was sure that they contributed to the smell.
Once the train stopped he pushed past the masses of students and burst onto the platform. He ran at full speed down the station and out of the double doors. The river was behind the main building, and it was only possible to get to it through the west entrance. He jogged towards it, his breathing becoming difficult, and kicked open the wire gate that kept the entrance protected.
Tatsuya was stood at the concrete pathway. A mystery wrapped up in a navy blue scarf. He stared at the placid water emotionlessly. The river bank was made of concrete except for the odd patch of grass that appeared a few meters at a time. The grass had become muddy due to the winter rain, and Ryo almost slipped as he walked over to Tatsuya. He didn’t understand what Ueda was looking at. Was it his reflection? Was there something in the water? After a few more steps he realised that there were a few ripples in the water, and the source was a pile of papers on the water’s surface.
“Tatsuya?” Ryo called quietly. He didn’t look up. He stared at the papers gravely as tears fell down his cheeks. Ryo knew about Tatsuya’s course and he knew that it meant a lot to his parents, so why had he thrown his work into the river? “What’s happened Tatsu?”
“I failed.” He sighed. He wiped a tear away with his wrist and sighed weakly. “I had to apply to a course to start my training, but no one accepted me. I failed the applications and now I can’t start my training after university.”
Silence. Only the wind spoke. It created a small tide in the river that pushed the papers away. The only additional force creating ripples in the water was Ueda’s tears.
Ryo walked up to Tatsuya and slapped a hand over his back.
“You never really wanted to be a doctor, did you?” Ryo asked cautiously. Tatsuya shook his head and pursed his lips.
“I didn’t think I’d care. I’ve never been in control of my own life and I’ve never cared. But I sat down for the application test and all I could think about was…” He stopped and bit his lip. One glance at Ryo made it clear to both men what he was about to say. “All I could think about was Nishikido Ryo.”
“Why?” Ryo asked.
“You’re the symbol of complete freedom.” Tatsuya explained. “The man who’s not afraid of anything. Who does what he wants, says what he wants and knows what he wants. As hard as I try I don’t understand.”
“Tat-chan it’s easy.” Ryo smiled. He bent his knees so that he could look up at Tatsuya’s lowered head. “Just let go, think about the present, forget about your parents and stay with me.”
Tatsuya shook his head. Ryo sighed at his reaction and stood up straight. There was no easy way to get through to Ueda, but he had to do it. After all, today was his day, wasn’t it? He pursed his lips and nodded his head. If you’re the man who’s not afraid of anything, then show Tatsuya how you feel!
He swooped around Tatsuya and hugged him from behind. His arms leant on Ueda’s hips and wrapped around his stomach. He leant his head on Tatsuya’s left shoulder and sighed into his jacket. “You’re cold, Tatsu.” Ryo whispered. “You’re always cold.”
“How can I be warm when both my parents are so cold?” He chuckled. “For the first time in my life I hate them, but only because I’ve finally failed them.”
“Tat-chan, parents are just people.” Ryo mumbled. “Even though they act like they own us, they’re just as stupid as any other human being.”
There was another long silence. This time it was comfortable. Tatsuya loved the warmth that Ryo provided and Ryo was perfectly happy to help. There was only one small problem, and it resided within Ryo’s mind. “I haven’t ruined your life have I?” He asked quietly.
Tatsuya’s eyes widened in shock. He escaped Ryo’s grasp and turned to him.
“No!” He cried. Tatsuya sighed and pinched between his eyes. “I’ve always wanted to find someone like you; someone who would take me from this reality into their own. Because for years I’ve just been…”
“An observer.” Ryo continued. “That’s what you told me. You watch other people and work them out because you don’t like your own life.” Ryo nodded and grabbed Tatsuya’s hands. “Well I can make you happy. You can leave you parents and live with me. It won’t be the most conventional relationship and we won’t have as much money as a doctor but we’ll be happy! I promise you. I’ll be your… knight in shining armour!”
Tatsuya couldn’t help but laugh at the statement. Ryo was hardly a knight, but he was better than that. Suddenly, Ryo leant forward and kissed Tatsuya softly. “I mean it, don’t laugh.” He muttered.
Tatsuya ignored Ryo’s sarcasm and kissed him back. His lips were so soft and enticing that he just couldn’t stop. Ryo’s tongue begged for entrance to Tatsuya’s mouth, and when Tatsuya allowed it their tongues touched to start a special dance of their own. Ryo’s hands wandered around Tatsuya’s body, and as if his actions were mirror imaged, Tatsuya did the same. His right hand reached the back of Ryo’s head and took hold of his black hair as they kissed.
When they eventually stopped, Ryo stared into Tatsuya’s eyes with a shimmer that was unknown to Tatsuya. It wasn’t frightening, it was reassuring, and it made Tatsuya’s heart flutter even more than it had previously.
“We could learn a lot from each other, don’t you think?” Ryo asked.
Tatsuya nodded. He couldn’t take his eyes off Nishikido, the man who had brought emotion back to his cold, dead mind. He felt like he was breathing new air, exciting and refreshing air, as if he really had stepped into Ryo’s world and left his old life behind.
It was time to stop observing the world and start living in it.