fic: the poets are just kinds who didn't make it (part II, brendon/spencer)
The Poets Are Just Kids Who Didn't Make It (part II)
Previous
`````````````````
When Spencer wakes up again Brendon is smiling up at him. Brendon gives Spencer a slow lazy kiss. There has never been awkwardness between them after sex and Spencer’s not surprised that there isn’t any now.
The first time they had sex was, however, so awkward they still laugh about it now, afterwards though, there had been absolutely no awkwardness just a feeling of being at the right place because you were with the right person. It feels like that now, too.
Brendon pulls away from the kiss and starts to get out of bed. Spencer’s hand wraps around his wrist and he yawns sleepily, “Stay.”
“I’m sticky. Come shower with me.” Brendon suggests. Spencer smiles, he knows if he follows Brendon they’ll be in the shower for awhile.
“’kay I’ll catch up,” he agrees letting go of Brendon’s wrist. Brendon sees Spencer close his eyes again before he steps into the bathroom. He chuckles and starts the shower.
By the time Brendon finishes his shower he just sighs and assumes Spencer went back to sleep. He smiles and is already thinking of the best way to wake Spencer when he opens the door to the room.
Spencer is up and is standing by the window, his back is to Brendon. Brendon can see his phone in his ear. Well that explains why Spencer didn’t make it to the shower.
Brendon is about to turn to go back in the bathroom and give Spencer some privacy when he catches the thread of Spencer conversation.
“Really!” he sounds excited. “That’s great mom tell her I’m really proud of her. Yeah I wish I could have been there too, but tell her I’ll bring her an awesome souvenir. Okay. Yes I’m eating healthy, no I haven’t tried any cockroaches.” Spencer laughs.
The sound of Spencer laughter makes Brendon smile but his next words feel like a tourniquet around his heart. “I don’t know when I’ll be back home.” There’s a pause. “Mom,” Spencer says in that please drop the subject tone.
“I know, I know.” A longer pause follows; Spencer sighs and leans his forehead on the window’s glass. “Yeah he is and yes I do.” Spencer says in a whisper.
“Alright love you too and tell dad.” Brendon closes the door and finishes dressing. He’s pulling his shirt over his head when there is a tentative knock on the door before it opens.
Spencer stands there looking sheepish. “Sorry, I got a call from home.” Brendon nods.
“How is everyone?” Brendon asks with a smile on his face, trying to pretend he doesn’t feel, triple his body weight, of guilt on his shoulders.
“Good, really good Anne’s team won their regional tournament.” He says with a smile.
“That’s great. I bet she’s off the wall right now,” Brendon says and he can almost see Spencer’s sister jumping with excitement.
“Yeah,” There is a small sad smile on Spencer’s face before he covers it up with a bright smile.
Brendon’s stomach turns and he’s kind of glad they’re in the bathroom because if he’s going to be sick this is the place to do it. He pushes the acrid feeling down and looks up at Spencer.
This has gone on long enough, he thinks, Spencer needs to go back to the people who love him. “Spencer.” And the tone of his voice must alert Spencer about what he is going to say, about what they have been avoiding talking about, because Spencer stands up straight and he’s staring intently at Brendon.
Before Brendon can say anything there is a pounding on their door. “Is that pounding?” He asks confused. And when he says pounding he doesn’t mean a strong knock no there is actual pounding happening on the other side of the door.
“Urie, Smith open up.” Jonathan’s voice carries clearly through the door.
Spencer turns his head; Brendon uses the opportunity to slip past him and across the room to open the door. Jonathan and Sasha stand on the other side.
“We’re throwing a consolation party for ourselves; you must come and provide entertainment.” Jonathan says. Sasha rolls his eyes, but nods anyway.
“I don’t think I really feel up to it.” Brendon begins but Jonathan already has him by the arm and is pulling him into the hall.
“Come on Smith or I’m stealing your boyfriend.” And it’s just his mind playing tricks on him because he could have just sworn he just heard Spencer growl. Growl? Really?
`````````````````
The “party” happens to be in the room Jonathan and Sasha are sharing. There are only a handful of people there, half the gymnastics’ team and other people Brendon doesn’t know. Brendon spends most of the night dodging Spencer, because even though he knows what he had to do he’s not eager to do it.
Four hours later the party is dying down there’s only six people left, there’s some Chinese movie playing on the TV on mute. Jonathan and Sasha are lying on the same bed on their sides facing each other foreheads touching. They seem to be having a secret conference or something.
Finally Jonathan sighs and rolls onto his back. Brendon thinks he should start going back to his room. The only problem is that it’s Spencer’s room too.
Someone brought a guitar and left it behind. Brendon has been playing with it, hitting random notes here and there tuning it to his satisfaction but not playing anything.
He can feel Spencer’s eyes on him; they’ve been on him since he picked up the guitar. Brendon thinks that may be the reason he can’t bring himself to play.
Jonathan finally notices Brendon strumming the guitar and twists his body so he can see Brendon. “Urie, Urie.” Brendon ignores him. “Bden, Bden.” Jonathan is insistent. “Brendon Boyd Urie.” Brendon looks up to glare at Jonathan who is smiling.
“Play me a song.” He demands.
“No.”
“Please, it’ll cheer up my wounded spirit.” And behind his fake pout, Brendon can see the real hurt and disappointment in his eyes. He sighs and figures the least he can do is try to cheer up his friend.
“Fine.” He agrees and tries to ignore the way Spencer is sitting straighter on the couch his attention now completely on Brendon.
Brendon stands from the floor and sits on the bed where Sasha and Jonathan are still lying down. “What should I play?” Jonathan shrugs. “I, okay.” Brendon says.
His fingers start picking at the strings, random notes play before his hands decide on a song and he starts playing. Brendon is sure, no one is more surprised than he is when the words form and leave his lips.
“Allow me to exaggerate a memory or two. Where summer’s lasted longer than, longer than we do. Where nothing really mattered except for me to be with you. But in time we all forgot and we all grew.” And this is so familiar it comes to him naturally, easily, like breathing.
“And by the time your father’s heard of all the wrong you’ve done, then I’m putting out the lantern find your own way back home.” Brendon sings. He can feel how his body relaxes the more he keeps playing. He closes his eyes and lets the familiarity of playing take over him.
“I’ll write it all across the wall before by job is done and I’ll even have the courtesy of admitting I was wrong as the final words before I’m dead and gone.” He can feel Jonathan shift behind him. His aware of Jonathan’s strong arms wrapping around him, the embrace does not break his concentration. Jonathan rests his head on his shoulder his lips almost touching his neck.
“And I’ve never been more scared to be alone.” Jonathan gives him a quick little squeeze. Brendon can feel his smile on his collar bone. “If love is not enough to put my enemies to sleep then I’m putting out the lantern find your own way back home.” The song ends.
Jonathan lifts his head from Brendon’s shoulder and lets him go. Brendon turns to face him. “That’s it isn’t it? This is your real calling.” It’s a statement rather than a question.
“Yeah it is.” Spencer answers. Brendon whips his head around so fast he’s sure he just got whip lash. Apparently, sometime during his song, Spencer got up from his spot on the couch to sit on the bed across from Brendon.
Spencer is looking at Brendon the way he used to look at Brendon. It’s the same way that Jon and Ryan used to look at Brendon, the way that was just too much for him.
“Spencer.” He says and it comes out harsher than he means too.
They have a stare off. Brendon isn’t Ryan and he can’t do the mind talk Spencer and Ryan do, but he can tell Spencer is anxious and a little bit angry. He gives Brendon this look as if wanting him to admit something. Brendon holds his own and soon enough Spencer averts his eyes. Brendon pretends not to notice the sadness in Spencer’s face.
“I’m gonna crash, later. “ Spencer says to the room in general before stepping out of the room.
The entire room is silent once Spencer closes the door. Brendon stares helplessly at the door.
Spencer’s departure is like a cue for the remaining people who don’t sleep in the room to leave. They say good night and give Brendon awkward looks that he doesn’t notice.
When the last of the guests leaves Brendon still stares at the door.
“Brendon come with me please.” Jonathan says taking pity on him.
He’s moving on auto pilot he lets Jonathan grab him by the wrist and pull him up from his sitting position. They’re almost at the door; Jonathan actually has the door knob in hand when Sasha speaks up.
“Hey Brendon.”
Brendon turns his head to face Sasha. Sasha takes a deep breath looks away before he faces Brendon again.
“I don’t presume to know what’s going on but just know that the things that come harder in life are the ones worth having and fighting to keep.” He shrugs and looks uncomfortable, Jonathan’s hand tightens on his wrist; it’s a little uncomfortable.
The only response Brendon gives Sasha is a small nod. Jonathan waits a few more seconds before turning the knob and opening the door.
Beijing nights are like Beijing days muggy and hot but with less light. And really that’s not fair and Brendon knows it, but he’s just not in the mood to appreciate the beauty of the foreign city.
“Where are we going?” He finally thinks to ask after a few minutes of walking.
“For a walk.” Is all Jonathan says. Brendon is not in the mood to argue so he just goes along with whatever his friend has planned.
The streets are still crowded despite the late hour. Every time Brendon sees a couple holding hands his hand twitches, but he’s glad Jonathan let his hand go a while back. He tries not to think that the only hand he wants entwined with his is Spencer’s.
They finally wonder into what seems to be a park. Jonathan spots a bench and grabs Brendon’s hand again; he skips to the bench dragging Brendon behind him.
They sit in silence. “People watching is fun,” Jonathan states.
“Jonathan,” Brendon says and even to himself he sounds tired.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to but it really helps if you do.” Jonathan chuckles spotting two kids trying to catch their dog by stepping on the trailing leash and missing every time.
“I don’t say this to be a jerk.” Jonathan turns on the bench to face Brendon. “I don’t know the details of your situation with Spencer but I know that you’re pretty much on your own right now and if you need someone to just listen to you I’m here Brendon.”
Brendon opens his mouth to say he appreciates the offer and he really does, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. And then he thinks about what Jonathan just said, he is pretty much on his own and he hasn’t talked to anyone about it at all and now he has this incredible urge to just purge everything from his mind.
He takes a deep breath and he ends up telling Jonathan everything. He tells him how this job was only a temporary thing, something he and Spencer got into to pay the bills while they all worked on their music.
“Who’s us all?’ Jonathan asks.
“There’s me and Spencer of course and Jon Walker, you’d like Jon he’s awesome.” Brendon makes sure to tell Jonathan. “And Ryan, Spencer’s best friend and when I say best friend it’s a poor word, they’re like telepathic twins. They have entire conversation with just one look which is awesome.”
Except for how now Spencer has no telepathic conversation with anyone because Ryan’s still in
Vegas. This thought makes him sad and reminds him of the situation they’re in.
“Spencer, Jon and Ryan they’re all really talented, but they were all looking at me like I was their anchor the thing that would take them to the next level. They were putting all their eggs in one basket so to speak.” Brendon sighs.
“And I can’t be that person I can’t be the person they expect to carry all their dreams and make them a reality.” The night is becoming quieter with every minute it gets later or earlier.
“Why not?” Jonathan asks his tone conveying his confusion.
“Because I can barely be strong enough for myself let alone three more people.” Brendon mumbles.
Jonathan wants to argue that point but decides to let Brendon finish talking first.
“So when this job came up I took it. I took the opportunity to pull away. The only hitch in the plan was Spencer; he was not supposed to follow me here.”
“You abandoned your friends.” The accusation is clear in his tone. “Then what’s the difference if you had let them down later?”
“That may be true but trust me the disappointment later on would have been harder. They can find a new lead singer or Ryan can sing they’ll be fine as soon as Spencer goes back home.” The thought of Spencer not being with him really makes his heart ache but that’s just another sacrifice he has to make.
“You are strong enough Brendon you are and that’s why Spencer followed you here. You’re strong enough but what you also are is afraid and you shouldn’t be. Do you really think Spencer would have followed you here if he thought you weren’t able to deliver what they were asking of you?” It sounds so simple specially when said by another person, but it can’t be that simple. Can it?
They’re silent after that, they sit Jonathan does his people watching for a few more minutes before they start to head back.
```````````````````
When Brendon gets back to his room it’s with a lot of dread. Inside the room Spencer is sitting in one of the couches but stands up the second Brendon is through the door.
“I need you to listen to me just listen please.” Brendon says before Spencer has the chance to say anything. And much to his surprise Spencer actually acquiesces to his request.
“I’m really glad you’re here with me.” The guarded look Spencer had been wearing disappears; he smiles and takes a step towards Brendon.
Brendon shakes his head bringing his hand up signaling Spencer to stop; he isn’t quiet finished.
“I’m really glad you’re here with me, but you need to go home. Ryan and Jon need you more than I do and it’s selfish of me to want to keep you here when we both know that you belong with them.” Brendon says in a rush of breath.
Spencer scoffs he actually scoffs. “What makes you think I’m not exactly where I want to be? What? All of a sudden Spencer is easily manipulated and swayed and being kept against his will?’ His voice is harsh but Brendon can still hear the hurt beneath.
Brendon is so emotionally exhausted he just wants what’s best for Spencer. “Then what the fuck Spencer,” he says running a shaky hand through his hair.
“What happens after we leave here and I go back to working at the gym? Are you going to follow me back there too? You can’t fucking do this to yourself. You and I both know this isn’t what you want to be doing, this isn’t what you’re meant to be doing.” Brendon says his voice soft.
“Only I get to decide when, where and why I am.” Spencer insists and he still sounds angry.
And Brendon knew this is what was going to happen Spencer is always stubborn. Brendon sighs and runs a hand through his hair again.
“Just go home Spence, go back where you belong.” Brendon pleads now, all fight having left him. The thought that Spencer will just follow him wherever he goes terrifies him, he could never live with himself if he were responsible for that, for destroying Spencer’s dreams.
“And are you going to tell me that you belong here that this is where you want to be?” Spencer asks quietly.
“That doesn’t matter Spencer I didn’t leave anything behind I have no one back home who would miss me,” Brendon insists. “You’re the one who left your family and your best friend I know Ryan would”
“Fuck Ryan Brendon. I wanna fucking be here because you’re here. And when you decide to go home, I’ll be right beside you but not before so don’t ask me to do that.” Spencer says and takes a step closer to Brendon.
Brendon blinks and tries to make sense of what Spencer just said, but his brain seems to have gone on vacation. “What? Why would you do that?” He asks. Spencer hates how Brendon always believes he doesn’t deserve to be happy, or have what he wants.
“You moron. It’s for the same reason you don’t want me here. You can’t stand to see me do something I don’t really want to do. What makes you think I would let you do the same thing? Do you really think I could stand back and just let you waste your talents and let your dreams die?” Spencer takes another step towards Brendon.
“Spencer.”
“And maybe because I’m kind of in love with you.” Spencer says cutting Brendon off. Brendon looks up sharply.
“Don’t.” Brendon says shaking his head. “Don’t. You shouldn’t say that if you’re just trying to get me to go back with you.” Brendon sounds sad but maybe a little hopeful too.
“Don’t you think I would have already done that if I thought it would work?” Spencer’s voice is low almost a whisper but Brendon can hear him perfectly because suddenly Spencer is right in front of him.
“Brendon.” Spencer, gently, cradles Brendon’s face in the palm of his hands. “I don’t want to be anywhere that you’re not.”
“Spencer you can’t do this you can’t wait for me to change my mind and I.” Brendon takes Spencer’s hands from his face and holds them in his. “I can’t be the person you guys need me to be. I can’t be the beacon Ryan sets all his hopes on, that you set all your hopes on. I’m not strong enough.”
And suddenly their conversation about Jonathan makes more sense. Brendon believes he can’t be the Jonathan Horton to their band, but that’s okay because no one would expect him to be.
“Brendon you are so much more than you give yourself credit for.” Spencer says and shifts their hands so their fingers intertwine.
Brendon lets Spencer’s words really sink in and he thinks about what Jonathan said to him earlier. Jonathan was right Spencer is pretty smart he wouldn’t tolerate Brendon if he truly believed Brendon was a waste of time.
“Brendon I don’t know how you don’t believe you’re strong enough. You left your friends, your family, you life to pursue a dream you believed, so strongly, you could make come true.” Spencer says not without a little pride in his voice.
“Leaving the Mormon life wasn’t that hard.” Brendon mumbles.
“Don’t sell yourself short. I don’t think I could have done it and I know for sure Ryan wouldn’t either,” Spencer says, squeezing Brendon’s hands reassuringly.
“Spencer that’s different.” Brendon insists and looks down at the floor. Spencer gives his hand another squeeze, Brendon looks up.
“It’s not, not really. When you did that we knew, we knew we’d make it.” Spencer sounds so honest that Brendon can’t help but believe him.
“We all had the same dream Brendon, but it took you believing in it hard enough to make us see it could be a reality. That’s why we looked at you like our beacon of hope not because we wanted or expected you to carry our dream but because looking at you made us believe what you had already made your reality. We were in awe.” Spencer confesses. He hopes Brendon believes him because there is no way he’s leaving Beijing without him.
“But if you don’t think you can be strong enough for yourself I can be strong for you. If you let me, because this isn’t a one way street, and maybe we did scare you off a little but that wasn’t our intention it’s just that do you know how long we were waiting for you.” When he says you he really means Brendon because he’s positive no one else would do.
Maybe they all know what they’re talking about. Half the time Brendon doesn’t think he can be strong for himself but if Spencer is there with him than maybe he can be, maybe he can be that person that the band needs, that Spencer needs him to be as long as Spencer is there with him.
“Please come back home? Please come back with me?” Spencer asks.
In a last desperate move Spencer let’s go of Brendon’s left hand to dig into his pockets, pulling out his phone he hits a few buttons and shows Brendon the screen.
There in little letter it’s a message from Ryan it simply reads; just bring him home Spence, even if its not 4 the band. Brendon’s eyes are wide and he sucks in a surprised breath.
Spencer scrolls down a few messages and shows him one from Jon, it looks like a reply to a previous message; Nah bden’s famly :) can’t live wit him cant/wont live w/out him…ask me wat time it is Spence : )
It has been a month since Brendon has been in Beijing; it has been a month since he’s had Spencer next to him but so far away, it’s been a month since Brendon has kept all his feeling inside. He can’t hold it in anymore and slowly tears flood his yes and he cries.
He cries because he sometimes misses his family. He cries because he remembers the way Ryan looked at him when he told him he was quitting the band. He cries because Jon had just smiled and hugged him and he cries because those guys are his family now. And just like a real family they’ll still take him back even after he’s fucked up, even if it’s not in their terms.
Spencer wraps him in his arms and Brendon just lets himself melt into Spencer warmth and strength. Spencer guides him to the bed and lies silently spooning him. Spencer can’t sing to save his life but Brendon can feel the vibrations of his humming against his back and slowly he falls asleep.
````````````````
“Hi.” Brendon says when he opens his eyes. He looks sleepy, his hair rumpled and he is very warm. Spencer thinks this is the way he wants to wake up for the rest of his life.
He leans forward and kisses Brendon’s cheek his arms are around Brendon and it’s warm in the room but he can’t bring himself to let go. Besides Brendon isn’t complaining he actually wiggles closer to Spencer.
For a second Spencer thinks Brendon is going back to sleep judging by his closed eyes lids, but Brendon takes a deep breath and opens his eyes.
“Okay.” He says quietly.
“Okay?” Spencer parrots. He hopes Brendon means what the thinks he means.
“Okay.” Brendon repeats and this time he follows the words with a big smile full of happiness and hope.
“Okay.” Spencer repeats this time with affirmation. He hugs Brendon tighter to him. He pulls back and Brendon is still smiling and really he can’t help it when he leans forwards and takes Brendon’s lips with his.
They kiss lazily with no urgency like they have all the time in the world and maybe they really do. Brendon pulls back with a sigh and buries his face in Spencer’s shoulder.
“I miss you.” He whispers. Spencer thinks he may not have meant to hear that but he did.
The silence is broken by Fall Out Boy’s “Saturday”. Brendon groans Spencer gives him a quick squeeze.
“Aren’t you going to answer?” Brendon asks after the verse starts to play again.
Spencer shakes his head. “We can talk to them later.” He says.
“Ryan’s going to kill me when we get back isn’t he?” Brendon asks, secretly pleased that Spencer chose to postpone Ryan’s call.
“Nah, he’s just going to abuse you lightly. There may be girly slaps involved and hysterical emotiveness.” Spencer informs him with a straight face.
“Is there any other kind when it comes to Ryan?” Brendon asks in a deadpan. Spencer laughs.
“Maybe we can just stay here. We can form a duet and sing Backstreet Boy songs at karaoke bars.” Brendon says hopefully.
Spencer hmm’s. “Yeah that sounds pretty good, but what about Jon, Jon would be sad.”
“Well we can’t have that.” Brendon says, picturing a sad Jon petting his little cat.
“No, no we can’t,” Spencer agrees.
“Alright,” Brendon sighs dramatically. “For the awesomeness that is Jon Walker, I shall face the scorn of one Ryan Ross.”
“One?” Spencer asks holding back laughter.
“Yes, Spencer Smith. One Ryan Ross is all I can ever handle.” This time Spencer does laugh.
He gives Brendon a quick kiss. “It won’t be that bad I promise Ryan just pretends to be an asshole.”
“He isn’t one in real life right?” Brendon finishes for him.
“Right,” Spencer agrees and smiles and maybe his face is stuck that way now. But he can’t help it, Brendon is coming home with him and even if Brendon still didn’t want to do the band Spencer wouldn’t care, the fact that Brendon will be with him is just face-smile-stuck worthy.
“Hey Spence?” Brendon voice is low. He bites his lip and looks at Spencer. “You know how you said you’re here because maybe you’re in love with me a little.” Spencer can feel his heart pounding as he nods. “Well I might be in love with you a little too, actually a lot.”
And its official his face is so staying stuck with a permanent smile. Ryan’s lucky he can’t write or sing for shit because their songs would be full of love, rainbows, and puppies and sunshine just to show how he feels. But since he can’t be creative like that he just wraps Brendon in his arms and kisses him hoping to convey how he feels.
He thinks he might have succeeded when Brendon smiles into the kiss and mumbles, “I’m going to write and sing songs about pretty colors and ice cream.” Spencer laughs; yep their band is so screwed.
END
Previous
`````````````````
When Spencer wakes up again Brendon is smiling up at him. Brendon gives Spencer a slow lazy kiss. There has never been awkwardness between them after sex and Spencer’s not surprised that there isn’t any now.
The first time they had sex was, however, so awkward they still laugh about it now, afterwards though, there had been absolutely no awkwardness just a feeling of being at the right place because you were with the right person. It feels like that now, too.
Brendon pulls away from the kiss and starts to get out of bed. Spencer’s hand wraps around his wrist and he yawns sleepily, “Stay.”
“I’m sticky. Come shower with me.” Brendon suggests. Spencer smiles, he knows if he follows Brendon they’ll be in the shower for awhile.
“’kay I’ll catch up,” he agrees letting go of Brendon’s wrist. Brendon sees Spencer close his eyes again before he steps into the bathroom. He chuckles and starts the shower.
By the time Brendon finishes his shower he just sighs and assumes Spencer went back to sleep. He smiles and is already thinking of the best way to wake Spencer when he opens the door to the room.
Spencer is up and is standing by the window, his back is to Brendon. Brendon can see his phone in his ear. Well that explains why Spencer didn’t make it to the shower.
Brendon is about to turn to go back in the bathroom and give Spencer some privacy when he catches the thread of Spencer conversation.
“Really!” he sounds excited. “That’s great mom tell her I’m really proud of her. Yeah I wish I could have been there too, but tell her I’ll bring her an awesome souvenir. Okay. Yes I’m eating healthy, no I haven’t tried any cockroaches.” Spencer laughs.
The sound of Spencer laughter makes Brendon smile but his next words feel like a tourniquet around his heart. “I don’t know when I’ll be back home.” There’s a pause. “Mom,” Spencer says in that please drop the subject tone.
“I know, I know.” A longer pause follows; Spencer sighs and leans his forehead on the window’s glass. “Yeah he is and yes I do.” Spencer says in a whisper.
“Alright love you too and tell dad.” Brendon closes the door and finishes dressing. He’s pulling his shirt over his head when there is a tentative knock on the door before it opens.
Spencer stands there looking sheepish. “Sorry, I got a call from home.” Brendon nods.
“How is everyone?” Brendon asks with a smile on his face, trying to pretend he doesn’t feel, triple his body weight, of guilt on his shoulders.
“Good, really good Anne’s team won their regional tournament.” He says with a smile.
“That’s great. I bet she’s off the wall right now,” Brendon says and he can almost see Spencer’s sister jumping with excitement.
“Yeah,” There is a small sad smile on Spencer’s face before he covers it up with a bright smile.
Brendon’s stomach turns and he’s kind of glad they’re in the bathroom because if he’s going to be sick this is the place to do it. He pushes the acrid feeling down and looks up at Spencer.
This has gone on long enough, he thinks, Spencer needs to go back to the people who love him. “Spencer.” And the tone of his voice must alert Spencer about what he is going to say, about what they have been avoiding talking about, because Spencer stands up straight and he’s staring intently at Brendon.
Before Brendon can say anything there is a pounding on their door. “Is that pounding?” He asks confused. And when he says pounding he doesn’t mean a strong knock no there is actual pounding happening on the other side of the door.
“Urie, Smith open up.” Jonathan’s voice carries clearly through the door.
Spencer turns his head; Brendon uses the opportunity to slip past him and across the room to open the door. Jonathan and Sasha stand on the other side.
“We’re throwing a consolation party for ourselves; you must come and provide entertainment.” Jonathan says. Sasha rolls his eyes, but nods anyway.
“I don’t think I really feel up to it.” Brendon begins but Jonathan already has him by the arm and is pulling him into the hall.
“Come on Smith or I’m stealing your boyfriend.” And it’s just his mind playing tricks on him because he could have just sworn he just heard Spencer growl. Growl? Really?
`````````````````
The “party” happens to be in the room Jonathan and Sasha are sharing. There are only a handful of people there, half the gymnastics’ team and other people Brendon doesn’t know. Brendon spends most of the night dodging Spencer, because even though he knows what he had to do he’s not eager to do it.
Four hours later the party is dying down there’s only six people left, there’s some Chinese movie playing on the TV on mute. Jonathan and Sasha are lying on the same bed on their sides facing each other foreheads touching. They seem to be having a secret conference or something.
Finally Jonathan sighs and rolls onto his back. Brendon thinks he should start going back to his room. The only problem is that it’s Spencer’s room too.
Someone brought a guitar and left it behind. Brendon has been playing with it, hitting random notes here and there tuning it to his satisfaction but not playing anything.
He can feel Spencer’s eyes on him; they’ve been on him since he picked up the guitar. Brendon thinks that may be the reason he can’t bring himself to play.
Jonathan finally notices Brendon strumming the guitar and twists his body so he can see Brendon. “Urie, Urie.” Brendon ignores him. “Bden, Bden.” Jonathan is insistent. “Brendon Boyd Urie.” Brendon looks up to glare at Jonathan who is smiling.
“Play me a song.” He demands.
“No.”
“Please, it’ll cheer up my wounded spirit.” And behind his fake pout, Brendon can see the real hurt and disappointment in his eyes. He sighs and figures the least he can do is try to cheer up his friend.
“Fine.” He agrees and tries to ignore the way Spencer is sitting straighter on the couch his attention now completely on Brendon.
Brendon stands from the floor and sits on the bed where Sasha and Jonathan are still lying down. “What should I play?” Jonathan shrugs. “I, okay.” Brendon says.
His fingers start picking at the strings, random notes play before his hands decide on a song and he starts playing. Brendon is sure, no one is more surprised than he is when the words form and leave his lips.
“Allow me to exaggerate a memory or two. Where summer’s lasted longer than, longer than we do. Where nothing really mattered except for me to be with you. But in time we all forgot and we all grew.” And this is so familiar it comes to him naturally, easily, like breathing.
“And by the time your father’s heard of all the wrong you’ve done, then I’m putting out the lantern find your own way back home.” Brendon sings. He can feel how his body relaxes the more he keeps playing. He closes his eyes and lets the familiarity of playing take over him.
“I’ll write it all across the wall before by job is done and I’ll even have the courtesy of admitting I was wrong as the final words before I’m dead and gone.” He can feel Jonathan shift behind him. His aware of Jonathan’s strong arms wrapping around him, the embrace does not break his concentration. Jonathan rests his head on his shoulder his lips almost touching his neck.
“And I’ve never been more scared to be alone.” Jonathan gives him a quick little squeeze. Brendon can feel his smile on his collar bone. “If love is not enough to put my enemies to sleep then I’m putting out the lantern find your own way back home.” The song ends.
Jonathan lifts his head from Brendon’s shoulder and lets him go. Brendon turns to face him. “That’s it isn’t it? This is your real calling.” It’s a statement rather than a question.
“Yeah it is.” Spencer answers. Brendon whips his head around so fast he’s sure he just got whip lash. Apparently, sometime during his song, Spencer got up from his spot on the couch to sit on the bed across from Brendon.
Spencer is looking at Brendon the way he used to look at Brendon. It’s the same way that Jon and Ryan used to look at Brendon, the way that was just too much for him.
“Spencer.” He says and it comes out harsher than he means too.
They have a stare off. Brendon isn’t Ryan and he can’t do the mind talk Spencer and Ryan do, but he can tell Spencer is anxious and a little bit angry. He gives Brendon this look as if wanting him to admit something. Brendon holds his own and soon enough Spencer averts his eyes. Brendon pretends not to notice the sadness in Spencer’s face.
“I’m gonna crash, later. “ Spencer says to the room in general before stepping out of the room.
The entire room is silent once Spencer closes the door. Brendon stares helplessly at the door.
Spencer’s departure is like a cue for the remaining people who don’t sleep in the room to leave. They say good night and give Brendon awkward looks that he doesn’t notice.
When the last of the guests leaves Brendon still stares at the door.
“Brendon come with me please.” Jonathan says taking pity on him.
He’s moving on auto pilot he lets Jonathan grab him by the wrist and pull him up from his sitting position. They’re almost at the door; Jonathan actually has the door knob in hand when Sasha speaks up.
“Hey Brendon.”
Brendon turns his head to face Sasha. Sasha takes a deep breath looks away before he faces Brendon again.
“I don’t presume to know what’s going on but just know that the things that come harder in life are the ones worth having and fighting to keep.” He shrugs and looks uncomfortable, Jonathan’s hand tightens on his wrist; it’s a little uncomfortable.
The only response Brendon gives Sasha is a small nod. Jonathan waits a few more seconds before turning the knob and opening the door.
Beijing nights are like Beijing days muggy and hot but with less light. And really that’s not fair and Brendon knows it, but he’s just not in the mood to appreciate the beauty of the foreign city.
“Where are we going?” He finally thinks to ask after a few minutes of walking.
“For a walk.” Is all Jonathan says. Brendon is not in the mood to argue so he just goes along with whatever his friend has planned.
The streets are still crowded despite the late hour. Every time Brendon sees a couple holding hands his hand twitches, but he’s glad Jonathan let his hand go a while back. He tries not to think that the only hand he wants entwined with his is Spencer’s.
They finally wonder into what seems to be a park. Jonathan spots a bench and grabs Brendon’s hand again; he skips to the bench dragging Brendon behind him.
They sit in silence. “People watching is fun,” Jonathan states.
“Jonathan,” Brendon says and even to himself he sounds tired.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to but it really helps if you do.” Jonathan chuckles spotting two kids trying to catch their dog by stepping on the trailing leash and missing every time.
“I don’t say this to be a jerk.” Jonathan turns on the bench to face Brendon. “I don’t know the details of your situation with Spencer but I know that you’re pretty much on your own right now and if you need someone to just listen to you I’m here Brendon.”
Brendon opens his mouth to say he appreciates the offer and he really does, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. And then he thinks about what Jonathan just said, he is pretty much on his own and he hasn’t talked to anyone about it at all and now he has this incredible urge to just purge everything from his mind.
He takes a deep breath and he ends up telling Jonathan everything. He tells him how this job was only a temporary thing, something he and Spencer got into to pay the bills while they all worked on their music.
“Who’s us all?’ Jonathan asks.
“There’s me and Spencer of course and Jon Walker, you’d like Jon he’s awesome.” Brendon makes sure to tell Jonathan. “And Ryan, Spencer’s best friend and when I say best friend it’s a poor word, they’re like telepathic twins. They have entire conversation with just one look which is awesome.”
Except for how now Spencer has no telepathic conversation with anyone because Ryan’s still in
Vegas. This thought makes him sad and reminds him of the situation they’re in.
“Spencer, Jon and Ryan they’re all really talented, but they were all looking at me like I was their anchor the thing that would take them to the next level. They were putting all their eggs in one basket so to speak.” Brendon sighs.
“And I can’t be that person I can’t be the person they expect to carry all their dreams and make them a reality.” The night is becoming quieter with every minute it gets later or earlier.
“Why not?” Jonathan asks his tone conveying his confusion.
“Because I can barely be strong enough for myself let alone three more people.” Brendon mumbles.
Jonathan wants to argue that point but decides to let Brendon finish talking first.
“So when this job came up I took it. I took the opportunity to pull away. The only hitch in the plan was Spencer; he was not supposed to follow me here.”
“You abandoned your friends.” The accusation is clear in his tone. “Then what’s the difference if you had let them down later?”
“That may be true but trust me the disappointment later on would have been harder. They can find a new lead singer or Ryan can sing they’ll be fine as soon as Spencer goes back home.” The thought of Spencer not being with him really makes his heart ache but that’s just another sacrifice he has to make.
“You are strong enough Brendon you are and that’s why Spencer followed you here. You’re strong enough but what you also are is afraid and you shouldn’t be. Do you really think Spencer would have followed you here if he thought you weren’t able to deliver what they were asking of you?” It sounds so simple specially when said by another person, but it can’t be that simple. Can it?
They’re silent after that, they sit Jonathan does his people watching for a few more minutes before they start to head back.
```````````````````
When Brendon gets back to his room it’s with a lot of dread. Inside the room Spencer is sitting in one of the couches but stands up the second Brendon is through the door.
“I need you to listen to me just listen please.” Brendon says before Spencer has the chance to say anything. And much to his surprise Spencer actually acquiesces to his request.
“I’m really glad you’re here with me.” The guarded look Spencer had been wearing disappears; he smiles and takes a step towards Brendon.
Brendon shakes his head bringing his hand up signaling Spencer to stop; he isn’t quiet finished.
“I’m really glad you’re here with me, but you need to go home. Ryan and Jon need you more than I do and it’s selfish of me to want to keep you here when we both know that you belong with them.” Brendon says in a rush of breath.
Spencer scoffs he actually scoffs. “What makes you think I’m not exactly where I want to be? What? All of a sudden Spencer is easily manipulated and swayed and being kept against his will?’ His voice is harsh but Brendon can still hear the hurt beneath.
Brendon is so emotionally exhausted he just wants what’s best for Spencer. “Then what the fuck Spencer,” he says running a shaky hand through his hair.
“What happens after we leave here and I go back to working at the gym? Are you going to follow me back there too? You can’t fucking do this to yourself. You and I both know this isn’t what you want to be doing, this isn’t what you’re meant to be doing.” Brendon says his voice soft.
“Only I get to decide when, where and why I am.” Spencer insists and he still sounds angry.
And Brendon knew this is what was going to happen Spencer is always stubborn. Brendon sighs and runs a hand through his hair again.
“Just go home Spence, go back where you belong.” Brendon pleads now, all fight having left him. The thought that Spencer will just follow him wherever he goes terrifies him, he could never live with himself if he were responsible for that, for destroying Spencer’s dreams.
“And are you going to tell me that you belong here that this is where you want to be?” Spencer asks quietly.
“That doesn’t matter Spencer I didn’t leave anything behind I have no one back home who would miss me,” Brendon insists. “You’re the one who left your family and your best friend I know Ryan would”
“Fuck Ryan Brendon. I wanna fucking be here because you’re here. And when you decide to go home, I’ll be right beside you but not before so don’t ask me to do that.” Spencer says and takes a step closer to Brendon.
Brendon blinks and tries to make sense of what Spencer just said, but his brain seems to have gone on vacation. “What? Why would you do that?” He asks. Spencer hates how Brendon always believes he doesn’t deserve to be happy, or have what he wants.
“You moron. It’s for the same reason you don’t want me here. You can’t stand to see me do something I don’t really want to do. What makes you think I would let you do the same thing? Do you really think I could stand back and just let you waste your talents and let your dreams die?” Spencer takes another step towards Brendon.
“Spencer.”
“And maybe because I’m kind of in love with you.” Spencer says cutting Brendon off. Brendon looks up sharply.
“Don’t.” Brendon says shaking his head. “Don’t. You shouldn’t say that if you’re just trying to get me to go back with you.” Brendon sounds sad but maybe a little hopeful too.
“Don’t you think I would have already done that if I thought it would work?” Spencer’s voice is low almost a whisper but Brendon can hear him perfectly because suddenly Spencer is right in front of him.
“Brendon.” Spencer, gently, cradles Brendon’s face in the palm of his hands. “I don’t want to be anywhere that you’re not.”
“Spencer you can’t do this you can’t wait for me to change my mind and I.” Brendon takes Spencer’s hands from his face and holds them in his. “I can’t be the person you guys need me to be. I can’t be the beacon Ryan sets all his hopes on, that you set all your hopes on. I’m not strong enough.”
And suddenly their conversation about Jonathan makes more sense. Brendon believes he can’t be the Jonathan Horton to their band, but that’s okay because no one would expect him to be.
“Brendon you are so much more than you give yourself credit for.” Spencer says and shifts their hands so their fingers intertwine.
Brendon lets Spencer’s words really sink in and he thinks about what Jonathan said to him earlier. Jonathan was right Spencer is pretty smart he wouldn’t tolerate Brendon if he truly believed Brendon was a waste of time.
“Brendon I don’t know how you don’t believe you’re strong enough. You left your friends, your family, you life to pursue a dream you believed, so strongly, you could make come true.” Spencer says not without a little pride in his voice.
“Leaving the Mormon life wasn’t that hard.” Brendon mumbles.
“Don’t sell yourself short. I don’t think I could have done it and I know for sure Ryan wouldn’t either,” Spencer says, squeezing Brendon’s hands reassuringly.
“Spencer that’s different.” Brendon insists and looks down at the floor. Spencer gives his hand another squeeze, Brendon looks up.
“It’s not, not really. When you did that we knew, we knew we’d make it.” Spencer sounds so honest that Brendon can’t help but believe him.
“We all had the same dream Brendon, but it took you believing in it hard enough to make us see it could be a reality. That’s why we looked at you like our beacon of hope not because we wanted or expected you to carry our dream but because looking at you made us believe what you had already made your reality. We were in awe.” Spencer confesses. He hopes Brendon believes him because there is no way he’s leaving Beijing without him.
“But if you don’t think you can be strong enough for yourself I can be strong for you. If you let me, because this isn’t a one way street, and maybe we did scare you off a little but that wasn’t our intention it’s just that do you know how long we were waiting for you.” When he says you he really means Brendon because he’s positive no one else would do.
Maybe they all know what they’re talking about. Half the time Brendon doesn’t think he can be strong for himself but if Spencer is there with him than maybe he can be, maybe he can be that person that the band needs, that Spencer needs him to be as long as Spencer is there with him.
“Please come back home? Please come back with me?” Spencer asks.
In a last desperate move Spencer let’s go of Brendon’s left hand to dig into his pockets, pulling out his phone he hits a few buttons and shows Brendon the screen.
There in little letter it’s a message from Ryan it simply reads; just bring him home Spence, even if its not 4 the band. Brendon’s eyes are wide and he sucks in a surprised breath.
Spencer scrolls down a few messages and shows him one from Jon, it looks like a reply to a previous message; Nah bden’s famly :) can’t live wit him cant/wont live w/out him…ask me wat time it is Spence : )
It has been a month since Brendon has been in Beijing; it has been a month since he’s had Spencer next to him but so far away, it’s been a month since Brendon has kept all his feeling inside. He can’t hold it in anymore and slowly tears flood his yes and he cries.
He cries because he sometimes misses his family. He cries because he remembers the way Ryan looked at him when he told him he was quitting the band. He cries because Jon had just smiled and hugged him and he cries because those guys are his family now. And just like a real family they’ll still take him back even after he’s fucked up, even if it’s not in their terms.
Spencer wraps him in his arms and Brendon just lets himself melt into Spencer warmth and strength. Spencer guides him to the bed and lies silently spooning him. Spencer can’t sing to save his life but Brendon can feel the vibrations of his humming against his back and slowly he falls asleep.
````````````````
“Hi.” Brendon says when he opens his eyes. He looks sleepy, his hair rumpled and he is very warm. Spencer thinks this is the way he wants to wake up for the rest of his life.
He leans forward and kisses Brendon’s cheek his arms are around Brendon and it’s warm in the room but he can’t bring himself to let go. Besides Brendon isn’t complaining he actually wiggles closer to Spencer.
For a second Spencer thinks Brendon is going back to sleep judging by his closed eyes lids, but Brendon takes a deep breath and opens his eyes.
“Okay.” He says quietly.
“Okay?” Spencer parrots. He hopes Brendon means what the thinks he means.
“Okay.” Brendon repeats and this time he follows the words with a big smile full of happiness and hope.
“Okay.” Spencer repeats this time with affirmation. He hugs Brendon tighter to him. He pulls back and Brendon is still smiling and really he can’t help it when he leans forwards and takes Brendon’s lips with his.
They kiss lazily with no urgency like they have all the time in the world and maybe they really do. Brendon pulls back with a sigh and buries his face in Spencer’s shoulder.
“I miss you.” He whispers. Spencer thinks he may not have meant to hear that but he did.
The silence is broken by Fall Out Boy’s “Saturday”. Brendon groans Spencer gives him a quick squeeze.
“Aren’t you going to answer?” Brendon asks after the verse starts to play again.
Spencer shakes his head. “We can talk to them later.” He says.
“Ryan’s going to kill me when we get back isn’t he?” Brendon asks, secretly pleased that Spencer chose to postpone Ryan’s call.
“Nah, he’s just going to abuse you lightly. There may be girly slaps involved and hysterical emotiveness.” Spencer informs him with a straight face.
“Is there any other kind when it comes to Ryan?” Brendon asks in a deadpan. Spencer laughs.
“Maybe we can just stay here. We can form a duet and sing Backstreet Boy songs at karaoke bars.” Brendon says hopefully.
Spencer hmm’s. “Yeah that sounds pretty good, but what about Jon, Jon would be sad.”
“Well we can’t have that.” Brendon says, picturing a sad Jon petting his little cat.
“No, no we can’t,” Spencer agrees.
“Alright,” Brendon sighs dramatically. “For the awesomeness that is Jon Walker, I shall face the scorn of one Ryan Ross.”
“One?” Spencer asks holding back laughter.
“Yes, Spencer Smith. One Ryan Ross is all I can ever handle.” This time Spencer does laugh.
He gives Brendon a quick kiss. “It won’t be that bad I promise Ryan just pretends to be an asshole.”
“He isn’t one in real life right?” Brendon finishes for him.
“Right,” Spencer agrees and smiles and maybe his face is stuck that way now. But he can’t help it, Brendon is coming home with him and even if Brendon still didn’t want to do the band Spencer wouldn’t care, the fact that Brendon will be with him is just face-smile-stuck worthy.
“Hey Spence?” Brendon voice is low. He bites his lip and looks at Spencer. “You know how you said you’re here because maybe you’re in love with me a little.” Spencer can feel his heart pounding as he nods. “Well I might be in love with you a little too, actually a lot.”
And its official his face is so staying stuck with a permanent smile. Ryan’s lucky he can’t write or sing for shit because their songs would be full of love, rainbows, and puppies and sunshine just to show how he feels. But since he can’t be creative like that he just wraps Brendon in his arms and kisses him hoping to convey how he feels.
He thinks he might have succeeded when Brendon smiles into the kiss and mumbles, “I’m going to write and sing songs about pretty colors and ice cream.” Spencer laughs; yep their band is so screwed.
END