The Longest Nothing I Have To Talk About
So I’m actually hand writing a journal entry. Sure, it’s typed by the time this is seen, and sure, I’ve jotted entries onto paper before, but that was different. Those were times when access to LiveJournal wasn’t within grasp. Not this time.
I had a choice, but something in me needed to hand write this. There’s been something inside me lately wanting out, expressed…something! For the first time in I can’t remember how long, I wrote a poem. Not just doodled the beginnings of one that will never be finished, but really wrote one. Thought, inspiration, the works. And I think it’s the start of something bigger.
It’s still a work in progress, but here’s what I wrote:
Inspiration had long abandoned me
No special cause to stir this heart of mine
And the days blended together with nothing to offer
These words built up with no purpose or destination
Drowning a heart so desperate to release
To express its desires, its needs and pleas
Years went by and it all seemed to blur
I lost sight of the dreams my empty nights created
Silent yearning became an accepting void
Then without warning those soft whispers returned
Almost missed by that gentle kiss
That smallest of sparks started its glow
Quickly soft whispers collided with shouting so harsh
A collideascope of passions and conflicts irresolvable
In the middle the, that once empty heart tore and bled
But that tiny spark that glowed so faintly exploded
Hot and bright is that fire inside
Intense now is the need for that pen I left behind
How bittersweet now does this granted wish taste
For only a single thought has inspiration granted me
And it’s to express this need to save me from you
It feels like I’m a dam on the brink of breaking. And I realize writing is an outlet for more than just glimmering talent. But it’s an outlet for, well…me! When I hand write, I feel so much more involved. I feel invested and in turn, entries and my other writings feel that much more personal.
Maybe that’s the true difference between something written and something typed. When I cry about what I type, who’s to know unless I say? What’s to show for it? But tear stained paper? That says more than words.
So then, now that my tangent is done, what is it I need to express? What’s the point to my entry?
I dunno.
Everything?
Nothing?
I’ve mentioned the girl I’ve been dating, Markie. I haven’t gone into a whole lot about her. Partly because I didn’t want to jinx anything. Part was because I was afraid what others might comment.
And neither one of those are warranted or excuse enough on my part.
This journal isn’t about communing with friends. It’s not about biased portrayals of myself or lengthy meaningless rants. It’s about me. It’s about being completely honest about me to me. That’s the key. Honest with myself. Be it good or bad. And I’m failing. That simply won’t do.
Markie and I are officially together. Boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m happy about it as it’s been a good build up to it.
But it’s been such a rough ride to here that more than once I have asked myself if it’s right. Or even acceptable. The whole thing is such a blur and whirlwind at this point that I’m not even sure where to start with this.
There are days I feel like things are going well between us. And they do. Then there’s days where I think things are going well, only to have her tear down those conceptions.
We seem to fight a lot over dumb stuff, and half of what she calls fights, I call just conversing with a difference of opinion. And for a good while she was keeping me at a distance despite me wanting to be closer to her.
Even just writing what little I have, I feel so overwhelmed and unwanting to finish. But I’m gonna try and get something of substance here.
It’s hard for me to explain what it is about her I care about and like so much. If I were to make a list of pros and cons, so much would be cons! She’s almost nothing of the girl I’ve wanted to get.
But I can’t help what I feel. And there are some surprising things about her that have really made me smile and take note. Some things that balance out parts of me, or my life that I hadn’t given thought about. And I treasure those.
In essence, I feel like there are those days she makes me smile so much, and then days I want to do nothing but cry and scream from the hurt. And I’m not really sure how to balance it.
Things have started getting better since we’ve had some talks about things, but I’m still worried. I wish I could write more here, but I feel like I shouldn’t be mentioning them unless something should go wrong, or things become a deeper concern.
She really is a good person. Of that I’ve no doubt. But sometimes I feel like she doesn’t think before she says something, she overreacts, and well, for someone studying psychology, she sucks at understanding people…
So I guess there’s something for substance…
None of that made sense, did it?
I suppose I can be thankful that there’s one person who can read this and know what I’m talking about. She’s been a real help to me lately and was at a time I wasn’t sure who to talk to, so I owe Leah a huge thanks. She’s not only provided a friendly ear, but she’s been making me laugh more than I probably should at work (after all, it draws attention to me and since no one else knows why I’m laughing, they begin to think I’m crazy!).
I’m really glad I befriended her again.
In fact, I had a dream last night actually with her in it. It was blurring a line that I’ve distinctly mad and while I won’t mention the details that cross it, I can relay the general gist. It was taking place in my home. And while the layout was modified and different, the feel of it was supposed to have been my home in New Jersey. I don’t know why, but hey, I didn’t write it.
Well, I guess I did…
But not consciously…
Anyways, she was spending the night (visiting as a friend) and we fell asleep together (she was just lying next to me; don’t mean we planned to go to bed together or anything).
She eventually woke up; having been talking in her sleep about some things (random I believe) and I woke up with her, mostly from the moving. She started getting ready to leave, crying. Somehow I k new what the problem was and I asked her not to go. I didn’t want her to. But, she had to get back home. We parted company and both of us were upset.
The dream ended pretty much there, but the overall theme was that she’s been such a good listening friend lately that I think we’ve grown very close, very fast as friends and the dream reflects that. So, it was a good sad dream I was happy to have!
The rest of the details are mine alone!!
Things are really a whirlwind for me. Once again I even find I have to break a long entry in two for the sake of LiveJournal to handle. I hate doing that, but then as I read back on this entry, maybe this one should be standalone.
Perhaps that’s the one upside to online versus a handwritten entry. The handwritten entry is simply done when I finish writing. There isn’t categorization, or ways to group things for the sake of topic. Things simply flow.
With online, I can spare someone reading from something that’s conflicting in emotion to how boring work may be. Ease someone a needless jolt.
So, I’ll end this hear and get onto the rest in another entry.
I had a choice, but something in me needed to hand write this. There’s been something inside me lately wanting out, expressed…something! For the first time in I can’t remember how long, I wrote a poem. Not just doodled the beginnings of one that will never be finished, but really wrote one. Thought, inspiration, the works. And I think it’s the start of something bigger.
It’s still a work in progress, but here’s what I wrote:
Inspiration had long abandoned me
No special cause to stir this heart of mine
And the days blended together with nothing to offer
These words built up with no purpose or destination
Drowning a heart so desperate to release
To express its desires, its needs and pleas
Years went by and it all seemed to blur
I lost sight of the dreams my empty nights created
Silent yearning became an accepting void
Then without warning those soft whispers returned
Almost missed by that gentle kiss
That smallest of sparks started its glow
Quickly soft whispers collided with shouting so harsh
A collideascope of passions and conflicts irresolvable
In the middle the, that once empty heart tore and bled
But that tiny spark that glowed so faintly exploded
Hot and bright is that fire inside
Intense now is the need for that pen I left behind
How bittersweet now does this granted wish taste
For only a single thought has inspiration granted me
And it’s to express this need to save me from you
It feels like I’m a dam on the brink of breaking. And I realize writing is an outlet for more than just glimmering talent. But it’s an outlet for, well…me! When I hand write, I feel so much more involved. I feel invested and in turn, entries and my other writings feel that much more personal.
Maybe that’s the true difference between something written and something typed. When I cry about what I type, who’s to know unless I say? What’s to show for it? But tear stained paper? That says more than words.
So then, now that my tangent is done, what is it I need to express? What’s the point to my entry?
I dunno.
Everything?
Nothing?
I’ve mentioned the girl I’ve been dating, Markie. I haven’t gone into a whole lot about her. Partly because I didn’t want to jinx anything. Part was because I was afraid what others might comment.
And neither one of those are warranted or excuse enough on my part.
This journal isn’t about communing with friends. It’s not about biased portrayals of myself or lengthy meaningless rants. It’s about me. It’s about being completely honest about me to me. That’s the key. Honest with myself. Be it good or bad. And I’m failing. That simply won’t do.
Markie and I are officially together. Boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m happy about it as it’s been a good build up to it.
But it’s been such a rough ride to here that more than once I have asked myself if it’s right. Or even acceptable. The whole thing is such a blur and whirlwind at this point that I’m not even sure where to start with this.
There are days I feel like things are going well between us. And they do. Then there’s days where I think things are going well, only to have her tear down those conceptions.
We seem to fight a lot over dumb stuff, and half of what she calls fights, I call just conversing with a difference of opinion. And for a good while she was keeping me at a distance despite me wanting to be closer to her.
Even just writing what little I have, I feel so overwhelmed and unwanting to finish. But I’m gonna try and get something of substance here.
It’s hard for me to explain what it is about her I care about and like so much. If I were to make a list of pros and cons, so much would be cons! She’s almost nothing of the girl I’ve wanted to get.
But I can’t help what I feel. And there are some surprising things about her that have really made me smile and take note. Some things that balance out parts of me, or my life that I hadn’t given thought about. And I treasure those.
In essence, I feel like there are those days she makes me smile so much, and then days I want to do nothing but cry and scream from the hurt. And I’m not really sure how to balance it.
Things have started getting better since we’ve had some talks about things, but I’m still worried. I wish I could write more here, but I feel like I shouldn’t be mentioning them unless something should go wrong, or things become a deeper concern.
She really is a good person. Of that I’ve no doubt. But sometimes I feel like she doesn’t think before she says something, she overreacts, and well, for someone studying psychology, she sucks at understanding people…
So I guess there’s something for substance…
None of that made sense, did it?
I suppose I can be thankful that there’s one person who can read this and know what I’m talking about. She’s been a real help to me lately and was at a time I wasn’t sure who to talk to, so I owe Leah a huge thanks. She’s not only provided a friendly ear, but she’s been making me laugh more than I probably should at work (after all, it draws attention to me and since no one else knows why I’m laughing, they begin to think I’m crazy!).
I’m really glad I befriended her again.
In fact, I had a dream last night actually with her in it. It was blurring a line that I’ve distinctly mad and while I won’t mention the details that cross it, I can relay the general gist. It was taking place in my home. And while the layout was modified and different, the feel of it was supposed to have been my home in New Jersey. I don’t know why, but hey, I didn’t write it.
Well, I guess I did…
But not consciously…
Anyways, she was spending the night (visiting as a friend) and we fell asleep together (she was just lying next to me; don’t mean we planned to go to bed together or anything).
She eventually woke up; having been talking in her sleep about some things (random I believe) and I woke up with her, mostly from the moving. She started getting ready to leave, crying. Somehow I k new what the problem was and I asked her not to go. I didn’t want her to. But, she had to get back home. We parted company and both of us were upset.
The dream ended pretty much there, but the overall theme was that she’s been such a good listening friend lately that I think we’ve grown very close, very fast as friends and the dream reflects that. So, it was a good sad dream I was happy to have!
The rest of the details are mine alone!!
Things are really a whirlwind for me. Once again I even find I have to break a long entry in two for the sake of LiveJournal to handle. I hate doing that, but then as I read back on this entry, maybe this one should be standalone.
Perhaps that’s the one upside to online versus a handwritten entry. The handwritten entry is simply done when I finish writing. There isn’t categorization, or ways to group things for the sake of topic. Things simply flow.
With online, I can spare someone reading from something that’s conflicting in emotion to how boring work may be. Ease someone a needless jolt.
So, I’ll end this hear and get onto the rest in another entry.