Blue Without Direction
I suppose 10 days is long enough to go between posts…
It’s been an on/off week for me and I can’t really explain why or when this started.
I can start by getting the small things out of the way.
First, I got Transformers (exclusive Wal-Mart edition with Prequel DVD) on release day. Only tonight though did I get to view it for the first time.
I watched the movie with my son, Bryan who was also viewing it for the first time.
We both LOVED the movie.
I really loved how well done this movie was. I loved the humor and the humanity that was put into this movie. It doesn’t bother me at all that not every popular Transformer from the 80s cartoon had a huge, or even a part at all in the movie. They did it right, focusing on a small group of each side and made a good story driven movie involving them.
Not to mention the movie had GREAT music (and great use there of).
Got Matchbox Twenty’s new songs. I really like We’re Gonna Find Out. Awesome song. I need to give the others better listens before really judging them.
Still video gaming. Getting the last few achievements for Ultimate Alliance will take a while, but I’ll get them.
Lately, I’ve been feeling somewhat down with my life, with life in general, just a lot of different things, but I couldn’t really pinpoint what. Nothing triggered this per say like other times.
But I keep thinking about the past and what I wanted from/out of my life by the time I got to where I am today. I saw things so very different. I saw things a lot happier than they are now. Things a lot better standing with views, morals, and the church, with family,… with a lot of things.
I saw myself married with/to a woman who completed me, complimented me. Who brought something to my life I knew was missing without her. Someone to share life with, enjoy the more precious moments, the romantic moments…(the ones you couldn’t share with your other guy friends because you’re whole orientation would be questioned and rightly so *chuckle*).
I wanted someone to share church with. I wanted someone to share interests with. I wanted someone who, in her own way, made me continuously better myself because I was always so interested I her, her likes, dislikes and wanted to explore every facet of her.
And all that’s utterly failed.
My mind has drifted back to those couple who really meant something to me in my life on that level. On the level I would have gone the distance with in life. To those I wanted to grow and expand with. It’s not a large list despite other crushes or interests that have cropped up.
I’ve mentioned 2 of the 3 in here. I *think* I’ve mentioned the other, but it’d require digging through LiveJournal a lot more than I emotionally want to right now. Let’s just assume I have.
The Big “L”. I don’t have any contact with. I haven’t seen or heard anything about since the final farewell. But even considering the parting words, which were everything and not nearly enough to say, I think about constantly. Not in that I would be disrespectful to current situations, not that I per say long for, need, desire or anything like that. But I still think about what might have been, what I wanted, what I admired from those days…I compare to who/how I am now sometimes and think she’s most certainly better off without me. On other nights, I find myself wondering how much better I’m not without her.
There’s the second biggest one in my life that has stayed with me till this day. I haven’t talked about her much, but know her from the same place as The Big “L”. She was always very kind to me, very sweet and she always talked openly to me. I have some very good memories of times with her that I keep with me. Out of the 3, perhaps she is the only one to truly have so many precious memories with me. I remember just having good talks with her, being there for her one particular night because she was upset over things with a mutual friend…I remember just hanging out with her at events. She was always so easy going…And her smile always did and I’m sure always will light up a room. While I let her go years and years ago, the fondness of everything has stayed with me.
Then there’s the most recent. There’s Monica. While of the 3, she was the most fleeting, there were still some moments here and there that are already tucked away so they may not be forgotten. A night at the park, shared parts of dreams, conversations and even a Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel. I don’t get to talk to her as much as I’d like, but I do get to. I have let go of any remote miracle of a slim chance things may happen, but I do still care.
Of course, even thinking about all that, coupled with looking at my LiveJournal, my Facebook and even at my own possessions, I find myself sink into myself even more.
Because it all shows I either regress or live in the past.
At least, that’s how it comes across. I look at Bryan’s LJ/Facebook, or Terin’s, or Tara’s, Alecto’s, CJs, or any other friends’ that I have and I feel so left behind and lost. No one else reads as much comics or books, plays as many games or as much as I do. Not by a long shot. I feel like I do it all sometimes just to escape that I’m unhappy with a lot of things. Mostly myself. I feel like it’s just a distraction so I don’t have to think. While I do find it all fun, and do thoroughly enjoy it all, I can’t help but wonder if I had ended up with The Big “L” or #2, where would I be or what would I be doing? Would that stuff still be a focus in my life or even a desire? Would I be the same person at all? Or would I be the man that they deserved instead of what I am now?
*Sigh* You ever just get to a point where you really want to cry, but you don’t know why or what’s hurting you? I feel like that now. Between everything above and more that I can’t get out, I just want to lay in the dark on my bed and let go until I fall asleep.
I’ve been thinking about what another walk in my world would be like. I can feel there’s been some changes, some drastic, some small. But more to the point, it feels darker, sadder, and heavier to me right now.
I’ve been listening to music a lot more lately, but that’s really to no avail. Either the music is from all those years ago, or still reminds me in retrospect.
I feel completely lost…
It’s been an on/off week for me and I can’t really explain why or when this started.
I can start by getting the small things out of the way.
First, I got Transformers (exclusive Wal-Mart edition with Prequel DVD) on release day. Only tonight though did I get to view it for the first time.
I watched the movie with my son, Bryan who was also viewing it for the first time.
We both LOVED the movie.
I really loved how well done this movie was. I loved the humor and the humanity that was put into this movie. It doesn’t bother me at all that not every popular Transformer from the 80s cartoon had a huge, or even a part at all in the movie. They did it right, focusing on a small group of each side and made a good story driven movie involving them.
Not to mention the movie had GREAT music (and great use there of).
Got Matchbox Twenty’s new songs. I really like We’re Gonna Find Out. Awesome song. I need to give the others better listens before really judging them.
Still video gaming. Getting the last few achievements for Ultimate Alliance will take a while, but I’ll get them.
Lately, I’ve been feeling somewhat down with my life, with life in general, just a lot of different things, but I couldn’t really pinpoint what. Nothing triggered this per say like other times.
But I keep thinking about the past and what I wanted from/out of my life by the time I got to where I am today. I saw things so very different. I saw things a lot happier than they are now. Things a lot better standing with views, morals, and the church, with family,… with a lot of things.
I saw myself married with/to a woman who completed me, complimented me. Who brought something to my life I knew was missing without her. Someone to share life with, enjoy the more precious moments, the romantic moments…(the ones you couldn’t share with your other guy friends because you’re whole orientation would be questioned and rightly so *chuckle*).
I wanted someone to share church with. I wanted someone to share interests with. I wanted someone who, in her own way, made me continuously better myself because I was always so interested I her, her likes, dislikes and wanted to explore every facet of her.
And all that’s utterly failed.
My mind has drifted back to those couple who really meant something to me in my life on that level. On the level I would have gone the distance with in life. To those I wanted to grow and expand with. It’s not a large list despite other crushes or interests that have cropped up.
I’ve mentioned 2 of the 3 in here. I *think* I’ve mentioned the other, but it’d require digging through LiveJournal a lot more than I emotionally want to right now. Let’s just assume I have.
The Big “L”. I don’t have any contact with. I haven’t seen or heard anything about since the final farewell. But even considering the parting words, which were everything and not nearly enough to say, I think about constantly. Not in that I would be disrespectful to current situations, not that I per say long for, need, desire or anything like that. But I still think about what might have been, what I wanted, what I admired from those days…I compare to who/how I am now sometimes and think she’s most certainly better off without me. On other nights, I find myself wondering how much better I’m not without her.
There’s the second biggest one in my life that has stayed with me till this day. I haven’t talked about her much, but know her from the same place as The Big “L”. She was always very kind to me, very sweet and she always talked openly to me. I have some very good memories of times with her that I keep with me. Out of the 3, perhaps she is the only one to truly have so many precious memories with me. I remember just having good talks with her, being there for her one particular night because she was upset over things with a mutual friend…I remember just hanging out with her at events. She was always so easy going…And her smile always did and I’m sure always will light up a room. While I let her go years and years ago, the fondness of everything has stayed with me.
Then there’s the most recent. There’s Monica. While of the 3, she was the most fleeting, there were still some moments here and there that are already tucked away so they may not be forgotten. A night at the park, shared parts of dreams, conversations and even a Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel. I don’t get to talk to her as much as I’d like, but I do get to. I have let go of any remote miracle of a slim chance things may happen, but I do still care.
Of course, even thinking about all that, coupled with looking at my LiveJournal, my Facebook and even at my own possessions, I find myself sink into myself even more.
Because it all shows I either regress or live in the past.
At least, that’s how it comes across. I look at Bryan’s LJ/Facebook, or Terin’s, or Tara’s, Alecto’s, CJs, or any other friends’ that I have and I feel so left behind and lost. No one else reads as much comics or books, plays as many games or as much as I do. Not by a long shot. I feel like I do it all sometimes just to escape that I’m unhappy with a lot of things. Mostly myself. I feel like it’s just a distraction so I don’t have to think. While I do find it all fun, and do thoroughly enjoy it all, I can’t help but wonder if I had ended up with The Big “L” or #2, where would I be or what would I be doing? Would that stuff still be a focus in my life or even a desire? Would I be the same person at all? Or would I be the man that they deserved instead of what I am now?
*Sigh* You ever just get to a point where you really want to cry, but you don’t know why or what’s hurting you? I feel like that now. Between everything above and more that I can’t get out, I just want to lay in the dark on my bed and let go until I fall asleep.
I’ve been thinking about what another walk in my world would be like. I can feel there’s been some changes, some drastic, some small. But more to the point, it feels darker, sadder, and heavier to me right now.
I’ve been listening to music a lot more lately, but that’s really to no avail. Either the music is from all those years ago, or still reminds me in retrospect.
I feel completely lost…