...And Eventually, It'll Come Out.
It’s getting harder not to think about her…
Last night, I had a dream with Monica in it. And it very accurately seemed to reflect everything my heart is going through right now with her.
It started with her spending the day/night with me at my house (not THAT way, just as friends). We goofed around and had fun. From talking and hanging inside, playing on the computer, to even playing outside in the snow (don’t ask why the snow, but it was very nice). And we were laughing…And I felt my heart melting every time she did (same feeling I get in real life).
Through it all, there was an underlying flirtatious air to it all, rather similar to what could be interpreted to things in real life. Nothing out of line, nothing extreme. Just comments, smiles, and mannerisms.
But then things went the next step. It was both a move I should have expected in a dream where inhibitions mean nothing, but yet still found it surprised me in raw emotion and in action as well.
We were laying on the same bed (not to sleep or anything, just laying and talking above the covers, the light from outside coming through the windows). And I found myself holding her close and kissing her. Not passionately per say, not fiercely. Just lovingly, and filled with everything my heart was screaming to say.
We kissed few a good minute or so until she tried, between kisses, to suggest we stop, it was futile cause the next day she’d marry her [real life] boyfriend. But it was a half hearted attempt. We kissed several more times before the scene/dream changed.
At first, we were outside with one of her friends (no one I’d seen before), playing in the snow, still laughing. But there was a heavy undertone to it all, like a defeated resolution on what both of us, especially me, were feeling.
The scene then switched to what appeared to be a train ride home (felt/had the atmosphere of being on a train, though I saw nothing outside to indicate either way). We were talking and everything seemed to come out then. I’m not sure what she actually asked me, if anything, but I answered as if she asked me why we kissed. And my response was so, powerful to me, that even just typing it now, while might seem empty of impact here, move me to want to cry. I told her because I had to. Because I couldn’t go on in life without just once, letting it all out, without saying just once to her, that I loved her.
Yes, my dream self used the “L” word.
And upon waking from the dream, I understood it was all very much what I want inside.
Lately, the more we’ve talked, the more we’ve interacted, and especially given what she asked me earlier this week (“What would I do if she kissed me then and there?”), and given how more and more I find myself attracted to her…
I really do want nothing more than to tell her.
But, as my dream so clearly pointed out, she has a boyfriend, and she feels he’s the one and I respect that.
I hate this feeling. I’ve said it before. To care so much for someone and not be able to simply tell them you care.
It’s hard for me to think of the last time I felt so content being around someone. Someone I actually have common interests with (and the big ones for me!), someone I find attractive, and someone with whom I have so much fun with. Someone I can feel this deep inside and know it isn’t just a like or crush. I can easily say I’m falling in...
And yet, as easy as it would be to say the whole thing, I can’t. To say it even once, would lead down a path I can’t bare on my shoulders, on my heart anymore. I don’t want another Laurie. I don’t want someone so right; to end up down a path I can’t follow. Because of me.
But for what it’s worth, for what it means in the here and now, do I…care that much for Monica.
Even if I have to pretend otherwise.
I know this all seems out of nowhere, given I rarely, if ever mention her or how I feel. Now you know why I’ve avoided the topic. Denial is a strong ally.
But “The Punisher” is an equally powerful adversary. Sometimes, it’s even stronger.
But to change the subject, there’s nothing much else to report.
Work is going okay I suppose. Nothing great, but not worse either. However, I have a funny feeling something bad is about to happen (not to me directly) that will really hit hard, but I’m praying that the feeling will be unfounded. We’ll see.
That’s about it. Later.
Last night, I had a dream with Monica in it. And it very accurately seemed to reflect everything my heart is going through right now with her.
It started with her spending the day/night with me at my house (not THAT way, just as friends). We goofed around and had fun. From talking and hanging inside, playing on the computer, to even playing outside in the snow (don’t ask why the snow, but it was very nice). And we were laughing…And I felt my heart melting every time she did (same feeling I get in real life).
Through it all, there was an underlying flirtatious air to it all, rather similar to what could be interpreted to things in real life. Nothing out of line, nothing extreme. Just comments, smiles, and mannerisms.
But then things went the next step. It was both a move I should have expected in a dream where inhibitions mean nothing, but yet still found it surprised me in raw emotion and in action as well.
We were laying on the same bed (not to sleep or anything, just laying and talking above the covers, the light from outside coming through the windows). And I found myself holding her close and kissing her. Not passionately per say, not fiercely. Just lovingly, and filled with everything my heart was screaming to say.
We kissed few a good minute or so until she tried, between kisses, to suggest we stop, it was futile cause the next day she’d marry her [real life] boyfriend. But it was a half hearted attempt. We kissed several more times before the scene/dream changed.
At first, we were outside with one of her friends (no one I’d seen before), playing in the snow, still laughing. But there was a heavy undertone to it all, like a defeated resolution on what both of us, especially me, were feeling.
The scene then switched to what appeared to be a train ride home (felt/had the atmosphere of being on a train, though I saw nothing outside to indicate either way). We were talking and everything seemed to come out then. I’m not sure what she actually asked me, if anything, but I answered as if she asked me why we kissed. And my response was so, powerful to me, that even just typing it now, while might seem empty of impact here, move me to want to cry. I told her because I had to. Because I couldn’t go on in life without just once, letting it all out, without saying just once to her, that I loved her.
Yes, my dream self used the “L” word.
And upon waking from the dream, I understood it was all very much what I want inside.
Lately, the more we’ve talked, the more we’ve interacted, and especially given what she asked me earlier this week (“What would I do if she kissed me then and there?”), and given how more and more I find myself attracted to her…
I really do want nothing more than to tell her.
But, as my dream so clearly pointed out, she has a boyfriend, and she feels he’s the one and I respect that.
I hate this feeling. I’ve said it before. To care so much for someone and not be able to simply tell them you care.
It’s hard for me to think of the last time I felt so content being around someone. Someone I actually have common interests with (and the big ones for me!), someone I find attractive, and someone with whom I have so much fun with. Someone I can feel this deep inside and know it isn’t just a like or crush. I can easily say I’m falling in...
And yet, as easy as it would be to say the whole thing, I can’t. To say it even once, would lead down a path I can’t bare on my shoulders, on my heart anymore. I don’t want another Laurie. I don’t want someone so right; to end up down a path I can’t follow. Because of me.
But for what it’s worth, for what it means in the here and now, do I…care that much for Monica.
Even if I have to pretend otherwise.
I know this all seems out of nowhere, given I rarely, if ever mention her or how I feel. Now you know why I’ve avoided the topic. Denial is a strong ally.
But “The Punisher” is an equally powerful adversary. Sometimes, it’s even stronger.
But to change the subject, there’s nothing much else to report.
Work is going okay I suppose. Nothing great, but not worse either. However, I have a funny feeling something bad is about to happen (not to me directly) that will really hit hard, but I’m praying that the feeling will be unfounded. We’ll see.
That’s about it. Later.