"As I Lay Me Down To Sleep..."
”If I give up on you I give up on me
If we fight what's true, will we ever be
Even God himself and the faith I knew
Shouldn't hold me back, shouldn't keep me from you
Tease me, by holding out your hand
Then leave me, or take me as I am
And live our lives, stigmatized”
-The Calling, Stigmatized
NOTE: The lyrics just seemed all too appropriate for what I get into later in this entry…
What can I say about yesterday? What can I say that would do the night justice?
Yesterday was the start of my weekend off. I woke up and started on the Christmas tree. By 3:45pm, I had it up and lights on. I was happy since it’d taken me less time than I thought it would, and, I did it using 1 strand less of lights than last year. Go me!
At 5:30, I left to go pick up Heather from work, as we were supposed to get together till 8 (2 hours). Just some nice us time is all, but nothing long and in depth. Just fun.
Well, we go to her friend’s home (where she stays occasionally and was staying that night). We watch a movie, during which we talked and kissed; nothing serious. After the movie, we really got to talking and I got to know pieces of her I hadn’t seen before. We got onto some sensitive issues, even as I saw some of her walls come down talking to me, I was beyond touched by what I heard and saw. I kissed her tears and just let her get out what she wanted, not pressing any issues.
Her friend eventually showed up a little after 8 (me having stayed already longer than initially planned). She seems like a decent enough person and her and Heather went right away into listening to music.
Fast forward 45 minutes later, Heather’s friend’s 2 roommates returned from their work and took over the music. I can’t say I was thrilled with the 2 guys, though nothing was said or done to offend or displease per say. Just an impression I got. They spent their entire time there at the kitchen table smoking and drinking, which I wasn’t thrilled to see or be around, but I know it provides no temptation to me, so I was able to ignore it, along with the poor “music” they put on.
So, the night went on, Heather and her friend danced sporadically, Heather taking time outs to kiss me, or sit on my lap and talk to me while I held her close. I enjoyed those moments and enjoyed watching her have fun, see her be herself.
Now, it’s after midnight and I’m exhausted. I could have made it home I suppose had I really wanted to leave. I won’t lie. But I didn’t want to. I don’t get a lot of time with Heather. Outside of work, I mostly just get phone and internet time. It’s just the product of our lives, unfortunately. But here was an opportunity. I took it.
I spent the night. Before it’s thought or said, nothing happened. Heather and I shared a mattress on the floor and just talked until we fell asleep. We held each other, looking into each other’s eyes and just whispered, talking about different things and it was so magical. It’s moments like these, nights like these where time stand stills and becomes intimate in and of itself, that I’m glad sex itself isn’t an issue. It’s not something I’m in any hurry to rush into (for many obvious reasons) and the same for her. And it’s times like last night that proves why. Because it would have been ruined. Completely and totally (not to mention any moral implications which in and of itself would have had their own repercussions and impact on the moment).
And so, we talked, gazed and smiled, and eventually, fell asleep around 1:30am.
The next morning (this morning), I found it so very hard to leave. It was 7:15am and I had to get home so Adelle could use the car and get to work. But as I looked to Heather, still soundly sleeping, I felt my heart break 3 times that moment. I whispered in her ear that I loved her, kissed her as I brushed her hair away and left quietly.
And As I walked out the door, taking that one last look back and smiling, I did in fact, shed a tear or two, knowing I was falling in love with her once again.
I know what happened isn’t the best thing I could have done morally/spiritually. But I also knew nothing was gonna happen. I know my wants, and I know hers. We don’t want this relation ruined or cheapened by stupid things, such as sex or other wrong things. And deep down, I want to see this relation done as right as I can. I know this isn’t the ideal way, but I do take some comfort that in the small, yet crucial aspects, the stands can be taken.
I’m sorry if I let some people down with this. I know there’s some who will be worried for me spiritually. And I appreciate it. But I made the choices, and in the end, it’s me who’s gonna answer to it. I’m not unaware of that. No one’s perfect. Not me or anyone else. I’m trying to grow with my life, to deepen myself and my awareness to things. But I’m going to stumble here and there. So long as my friends stand by me (though not blindly! I appreciate the concern and keep it coming!), and I can get back up, then in the end, I will keep the hope, and prayers alive that I will have done the best I could in my situations, and accept humbly the punishment for those moments I know I didn’t. *hugs to everyone*
Once I got home, I took a shower and looked over the Christmas tree I left for my son (who wanted to decorate it badly) and Adelle to decorate. For the most part, I was impressed and knew some of the things needing fixing were because of Bryan, some I was annoyed with knowing they were Adelle’s fault when she should have known better (putting heavy ornaments on the top weak branches where they can fall with a single jostle, or not putting all the ornaments on when there’s plenty of room and again putting small ornaments geared for the top on the low/bottom branches where the heavy things like electronic globes should go).
So, after shaking my head, I went back to bed (I didn’t sleep too well since it was a little uncomfortable at Heather’s friend’s place and there was a heater lowing right on us). I ended up sleeping until 11:45.
I got up from there and went to work through the day fixing the tree, adjusting the ornaments that were out of place and putting up 20 or so that just never got added. Right now, it looks good! And Bryan’s happy cause I got his help doing this too.
I suppose that’s it for now. I feel exceptionally lonely right now, having missed Heather’s presence all day. It’s humbling really. Not something I thought I’d feel again. And as much as it does hurt to miss someone like this, I wouldn’t give it up for anything.
Till later, thank you all for bearing with me through all of this.
Later, 11:22pm
This was just too good not to post!
My LiveJournal Sitcomcarddreamer in the street (ABC, 2:30): carddreamer (Anthony Stewart Head) and slaixth (John Wayne) raise ducks. Then, icequeensdiary (David Spade) auditions for a movie starring opposite cjakatala (Yancy Butler). That same day, caffeen (Ben Stiller) gets a job as secretary to blackeagle555 (Joshua Jackson). Upstairs, kkakanarr (Kim Cattrall) uses longbow986 (Scott Caan)'s unicycle. At the same time, mizd_1 (Joe Pesci) borrows money from dreamer14201 (Tom Cruise)'s mother. (Closed captioned.)What's Your LiveJournal Sitcom? (by rfreebern)
If we fight what's true, will we ever be
Even God himself and the faith I knew
Shouldn't hold me back, shouldn't keep me from you
Tease me, by holding out your hand
Then leave me, or take me as I am
And live our lives, stigmatized”
-The Calling, Stigmatized
NOTE: The lyrics just seemed all too appropriate for what I get into later in this entry…
What can I say about yesterday? What can I say that would do the night justice?
Yesterday was the start of my weekend off. I woke up and started on the Christmas tree. By 3:45pm, I had it up and lights on. I was happy since it’d taken me less time than I thought it would, and, I did it using 1 strand less of lights than last year. Go me!
At 5:30, I left to go pick up Heather from work, as we were supposed to get together till 8 (2 hours). Just some nice us time is all, but nothing long and in depth. Just fun.
Well, we go to her friend’s home (where she stays occasionally and was staying that night). We watch a movie, during which we talked and kissed; nothing serious. After the movie, we really got to talking and I got to know pieces of her I hadn’t seen before. We got onto some sensitive issues, even as I saw some of her walls come down talking to me, I was beyond touched by what I heard and saw. I kissed her tears and just let her get out what she wanted, not pressing any issues.
Her friend eventually showed up a little after 8 (me having stayed already longer than initially planned). She seems like a decent enough person and her and Heather went right away into listening to music.
Fast forward 45 minutes later, Heather’s friend’s 2 roommates returned from their work and took over the music. I can’t say I was thrilled with the 2 guys, though nothing was said or done to offend or displease per say. Just an impression I got. They spent their entire time there at the kitchen table smoking and drinking, which I wasn’t thrilled to see or be around, but I know it provides no temptation to me, so I was able to ignore it, along with the poor “music” they put on.
So, the night went on, Heather and her friend danced sporadically, Heather taking time outs to kiss me, or sit on my lap and talk to me while I held her close. I enjoyed those moments and enjoyed watching her have fun, see her be herself.
Now, it’s after midnight and I’m exhausted. I could have made it home I suppose had I really wanted to leave. I won’t lie. But I didn’t want to. I don’t get a lot of time with Heather. Outside of work, I mostly just get phone and internet time. It’s just the product of our lives, unfortunately. But here was an opportunity. I took it.
I spent the night. Before it’s thought or said, nothing happened. Heather and I shared a mattress on the floor and just talked until we fell asleep. We held each other, looking into each other’s eyes and just whispered, talking about different things and it was so magical. It’s moments like these, nights like these where time stand stills and becomes intimate in and of itself, that I’m glad sex itself isn’t an issue. It’s not something I’m in any hurry to rush into (for many obvious reasons) and the same for her. And it’s times like last night that proves why. Because it would have been ruined. Completely and totally (not to mention any moral implications which in and of itself would have had their own repercussions and impact on the moment).
And so, we talked, gazed and smiled, and eventually, fell asleep around 1:30am.
The next morning (this morning), I found it so very hard to leave. It was 7:15am and I had to get home so Adelle could use the car and get to work. But as I looked to Heather, still soundly sleeping, I felt my heart break 3 times that moment. I whispered in her ear that I loved her, kissed her as I brushed her hair away and left quietly.
And As I walked out the door, taking that one last look back and smiling, I did in fact, shed a tear or two, knowing I was falling in love with her once again.
I know what happened isn’t the best thing I could have done morally/spiritually. But I also knew nothing was gonna happen. I know my wants, and I know hers. We don’t want this relation ruined or cheapened by stupid things, such as sex or other wrong things. And deep down, I want to see this relation done as right as I can. I know this isn’t the ideal way, but I do take some comfort that in the small, yet crucial aspects, the stands can be taken.
I’m sorry if I let some people down with this. I know there’s some who will be worried for me spiritually. And I appreciate it. But I made the choices, and in the end, it’s me who’s gonna answer to it. I’m not unaware of that. No one’s perfect. Not me or anyone else. I’m trying to grow with my life, to deepen myself and my awareness to things. But I’m going to stumble here and there. So long as my friends stand by me (though not blindly! I appreciate the concern and keep it coming!), and I can get back up, then in the end, I will keep the hope, and prayers alive that I will have done the best I could in my situations, and accept humbly the punishment for those moments I know I didn’t. *hugs to everyone*
Once I got home, I took a shower and looked over the Christmas tree I left for my son (who wanted to decorate it badly) and Adelle to decorate. For the most part, I was impressed and knew some of the things needing fixing were because of Bryan, some I was annoyed with knowing they were Adelle’s fault when she should have known better (putting heavy ornaments on the top weak branches where they can fall with a single jostle, or not putting all the ornaments on when there’s plenty of room and again putting small ornaments geared for the top on the low/bottom branches where the heavy things like electronic globes should go).
So, after shaking my head, I went back to bed (I didn’t sleep too well since it was a little uncomfortable at Heather’s friend’s place and there was a heater lowing right on us). I ended up sleeping until 11:45.
I got up from there and went to work through the day fixing the tree, adjusting the ornaments that were out of place and putting up 20 or so that just never got added. Right now, it looks good! And Bryan’s happy cause I got his help doing this too.
I suppose that’s it for now. I feel exceptionally lonely right now, having missed Heather’s presence all day. It’s humbling really. Not something I thought I’d feel again. And as much as it does hurt to miss someone like this, I wouldn’t give it up for anything.
Till later, thank you all for bearing with me through all of this.
Later, 11:22pm
This was just too good not to post!
My LiveJournal Sitcomcarddreamer in the street (ABC, 2:30): carddreamer (Anthony Stewart Head) and slaixth (John Wayne) raise ducks. Then, icequeensdiary (David Spade) auditions for a movie starring opposite cjakatala (Yancy Butler). That same day, caffeen (Ben Stiller) gets a job as secretary to blackeagle555 (Joshua Jackson). Upstairs, kkakanarr (Kim Cattrall) uses longbow986 (Scott Caan)'s unicycle. At the same time, mizd_1 (Joe Pesci) borrows money from dreamer14201 (Tom Cruise)'s mother. (Closed captioned.)What's Your LiveJournal Sitcom? (by rfreebern)