A Walk, Part III
”Lying beside you
Listening to you breathe
The light that flows inside of you burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound”
-Evanescence, Understanding
Setting: My Emotional/Mental World
Where It Can Be Found: Within My Soul
What Is the Source: My Heart
So here I am, still in the world I’ve created for myself. And as I look around, standing atop the Imzadi Zone, I can see it all. I see every zone upon the horizons I’ve built. And as I glance and turn away from each, I see and understand that it’s not just memories that have built this place. It’s not just experience, but interests, beliefs hobbies, everything I enjoy and value have also shaped this world I walk. No matter how out of place, or oddly the source.
I look up to the sky, blue and clear, sun blazing overhead. And I see a streak fly overhead.
And then again
It’s moving low and just slow enough that I know what, or who, it is. I see the blue uniform, the red cape…the red “S” with yellow backdrop. There isn’t a person who wouldn’t recognize him.
Superman.
He’s always been one of my favorite characters of all time. Through most of his incarnations, I’ve admired, respected him. There was a time in my life I’d actually pray to God that the real world would get one. I felt we needed him so bad in our times…
But here, his role is somewhat different.
There are no epic battles here. No super villains for him to fight, or a city to save. He does not swoop in to catch anyone, or stand up for those who need a bigger voice. Here, he represents God in this world. He represents everything ideal, good and pure. He has power beyond anyone or anything else here.
And like God, he doesn’t actively interfere. But he provides his own guidance if one is willing to follow his example. And he’ll save me if I just do what’s right. He’ll catch me when it’s really needed. But I have to earn it, want it first.
And I don’t seem to feel that nearly enough.
I turn my gaze away from Superman to the Maryland Zone again. And again I am hit again with the questioning thought of whom or what could possibly make me want to go back there. What in the present do I have to look forward to.
And this is where Superman’s role is needed. Its then he swoops down and carries me to the Maryland Zone which represents my present. And as we walk around in it, he shows me without words just exactly what there is for me.
I see in the second bedroom window of my home which sits here. And through it, I can see toys and a giant Star Wars: Clone Wars poster. And I know the room.
My son’s.
I can see my son in his room, doing a puzzle, then playing with his cars. Memories of small moments I shared with him. And I can’t help but crack a smile when I come to one with him wearing his Darth Vader voice changer mask/helmet.
From there, he shows me another building; this one my place of current employ. Ben Franklin’s. And the reasons are 2 fold.
First is my friend there, mizd_1. I’ve known her a little over a month and a half, and she’s one of the closest friends I have. I cherish her opinions and friendship very much so. More than I know how to really express and more than she probably knows. She’s been very caring towards me and my son, and always polite, yet not afraid to play the good mom to me when I’m wrong. And she has done so since day one with an open heart.
The second reason is one I’ve been reluctant to really acknowledge to anyone but myself. But it’s there. And that’s Heather, another co-worker who works at the front of the store while I myself am in the back.
She’s been a wonderful person to me as well, and she’s provided so many laughs and a sense of happiness I’ve had missing from my life for a very long time now. And we get along so well, so much in sync with what the other is feeling or thinking…
And of course, there’s more. I’m shown a ghost who’s been so influential in my life. One who almost follows me because he’s so important to me.
My best friend, Bryan Chisholm.
He’s introduced me to the church to which I cannot thank him enough for. And he’s shown me what a better person can truly be. He’s shown me every good quality in a human being and he’s never once let me down. He’s the very ideal of what a person should be in these times, and an ideal I so desperately wish I could achieve…
He is as blood brother to me as any child my parents had after me. More so.
And as I see these things…as Superman shows me with a sweeping gesture of his left hand, and a gentle touch on my shoulder with his right, and a warm knowing smile, I can’t help but ask myself…,
“How can I forget all this?”
And this is his role. As with God in my life, he shows me that I’m being selfish at times. There’s more to life than myself, my wants, my needs. There are those who depend on me even more for that better life, or those who show me there’s more out there than the narrow view I can sometimes have. And there are those that I can share that growth and experience with.
He shows me I still have so much to learn. And he’s willing to help continue to guide me…
My world isn’t as bad as I can sometimes make it seem. I come here often, but not every journey is a sad or longing one. Sometimes the trip is just to look back ad see where I came from. Sometimes, it’s so I can see where I’m going.
But every visit, in one way or another, reflects a part of me, and shows me a picture of who I am, and who I can be.
I know, that again was long, but I think I’m done my journeys for now. I just needed to get that all out.
Getting on with more real world events, first lemme wish everyone a belated Happy Thanksgiving! I know it’s late and I did originally intend to post an entry yesterday, but I was tired by the time I got to it. So, here it is now!
Mine was okay, though nothing overly fancy. Things went decent up until I talked to my father on the way home. I found out he’s not coming down for Christmas and once again it just irked me to no end. So, I called him to have an…actively one-sided discussion as to why he was in the wrong.
After about an hour and a half of going back and forth, things got settled down between us. He’s still not coming down, which still upsets me, but his and I’s differences are resolved I guess.
I would have liked to keep going until my point was made, understood and acted on, but I have to tell myself, I’m the only one who cares. Half my arguments are in defense of siblings who honestly don’t care themselves. They never pick up the phone to argue for themselves about how it upsets them, or what it does to them. They don’t think about the relationship they (as well as our father) continuously throw away each time neither says a word. It’ll get to a point where my sister Chris will have her child and our father will never even know what his second grandchild even looks like, let alone interact with it.
But again I seem to be the only one who cares to face that fact. And it’s not even my business in the end.
A father is a leader of his family and an example to them. He should set the ideals and standards his family in turn should strive for. But maybe it’s not my place to force him to do that. If he wants to fall from grace, to fail in that role, that’s his right to do so…
I guess I just can’t let it get to me. I did my part. I said my mind and that’s all I can do.
I just hate feeling this way about it.
Work is going okay. “60 Minutes” is back to her gossiping self. Yeah, once again, I’m finding out all the tidbits and juicy information on people I don’t know, never met and don’t care to. The saddest part is I can’t get my life back from those moments *sigh*.
There’s other aspects of things going on there too, but for now, I want to remain hush hush on it and see how it develops. It may very well just be overactive imagination on my part as to where some things can lead. But we’ll see.
I have more I wanted to talk about, but not quite yet. I hinted to it in the tale ends of my “walk”. If people pick up on it and ask, I’ll answer. But for now, I think I need to still take it slow in mentioning.
Till later!
Listening to you breathe
The light that flows inside of you burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound”
-Evanescence, Understanding
Setting: My Emotional/Mental World
Where It Can Be Found: Within My Soul
What Is the Source: My Heart
So here I am, still in the world I’ve created for myself. And as I look around, standing atop the Imzadi Zone, I can see it all. I see every zone upon the horizons I’ve built. And as I glance and turn away from each, I see and understand that it’s not just memories that have built this place. It’s not just experience, but interests, beliefs hobbies, everything I enjoy and value have also shaped this world I walk. No matter how out of place, or oddly the source.
I look up to the sky, blue and clear, sun blazing overhead. And I see a streak fly overhead.
And then again
It’s moving low and just slow enough that I know what, or who, it is. I see the blue uniform, the red cape…the red “S” with yellow backdrop. There isn’t a person who wouldn’t recognize him.
Superman.
He’s always been one of my favorite characters of all time. Through most of his incarnations, I’ve admired, respected him. There was a time in my life I’d actually pray to God that the real world would get one. I felt we needed him so bad in our times…
But here, his role is somewhat different.
There are no epic battles here. No super villains for him to fight, or a city to save. He does not swoop in to catch anyone, or stand up for those who need a bigger voice. Here, he represents God in this world. He represents everything ideal, good and pure. He has power beyond anyone or anything else here.
And like God, he doesn’t actively interfere. But he provides his own guidance if one is willing to follow his example. And he’ll save me if I just do what’s right. He’ll catch me when it’s really needed. But I have to earn it, want it first.
And I don’t seem to feel that nearly enough.
I turn my gaze away from Superman to the Maryland Zone again. And again I am hit again with the questioning thought of whom or what could possibly make me want to go back there. What in the present do I have to look forward to.
And this is where Superman’s role is needed. Its then he swoops down and carries me to the Maryland Zone which represents my present. And as we walk around in it, he shows me without words just exactly what there is for me.
I see in the second bedroom window of my home which sits here. And through it, I can see toys and a giant Star Wars: Clone Wars poster. And I know the room.
My son’s.
I can see my son in his room, doing a puzzle, then playing with his cars. Memories of small moments I shared with him. And I can’t help but crack a smile when I come to one with him wearing his Darth Vader voice changer mask/helmet.
From there, he shows me another building; this one my place of current employ. Ben Franklin’s. And the reasons are 2 fold.
First is my friend there, mizd_1. I’ve known her a little over a month and a half, and she’s one of the closest friends I have. I cherish her opinions and friendship very much so. More than I know how to really express and more than she probably knows. She’s been very caring towards me and my son, and always polite, yet not afraid to play the good mom to me when I’m wrong. And she has done so since day one with an open heart.
The second reason is one I’ve been reluctant to really acknowledge to anyone but myself. But it’s there. And that’s Heather, another co-worker who works at the front of the store while I myself am in the back.
She’s been a wonderful person to me as well, and she’s provided so many laughs and a sense of happiness I’ve had missing from my life for a very long time now. And we get along so well, so much in sync with what the other is feeling or thinking…
And of course, there’s more. I’m shown a ghost who’s been so influential in my life. One who almost follows me because he’s so important to me.
My best friend, Bryan Chisholm.
He’s introduced me to the church to which I cannot thank him enough for. And he’s shown me what a better person can truly be. He’s shown me every good quality in a human being and he’s never once let me down. He’s the very ideal of what a person should be in these times, and an ideal I so desperately wish I could achieve…
He is as blood brother to me as any child my parents had after me. More so.
And as I see these things…as Superman shows me with a sweeping gesture of his left hand, and a gentle touch on my shoulder with his right, and a warm knowing smile, I can’t help but ask myself…,
“How can I forget all this?”
And this is his role. As with God in my life, he shows me that I’m being selfish at times. There’s more to life than myself, my wants, my needs. There are those who depend on me even more for that better life, or those who show me there’s more out there than the narrow view I can sometimes have. And there are those that I can share that growth and experience with.
He shows me I still have so much to learn. And he’s willing to help continue to guide me…
My world isn’t as bad as I can sometimes make it seem. I come here often, but not every journey is a sad or longing one. Sometimes the trip is just to look back ad see where I came from. Sometimes, it’s so I can see where I’m going.
But every visit, in one way or another, reflects a part of me, and shows me a picture of who I am, and who I can be.
I know, that again was long, but I think I’m done my journeys for now. I just needed to get that all out.
Getting on with more real world events, first lemme wish everyone a belated Happy Thanksgiving! I know it’s late and I did originally intend to post an entry yesterday, but I was tired by the time I got to it. So, here it is now!
Mine was okay, though nothing overly fancy. Things went decent up until I talked to my father on the way home. I found out he’s not coming down for Christmas and once again it just irked me to no end. So, I called him to have an…actively one-sided discussion as to why he was in the wrong.
After about an hour and a half of going back and forth, things got settled down between us. He’s still not coming down, which still upsets me, but his and I’s differences are resolved I guess.
I would have liked to keep going until my point was made, understood and acted on, but I have to tell myself, I’m the only one who cares. Half my arguments are in defense of siblings who honestly don’t care themselves. They never pick up the phone to argue for themselves about how it upsets them, or what it does to them. They don’t think about the relationship they (as well as our father) continuously throw away each time neither says a word. It’ll get to a point where my sister Chris will have her child and our father will never even know what his second grandchild even looks like, let alone interact with it.
But again I seem to be the only one who cares to face that fact. And it’s not even my business in the end.
A father is a leader of his family and an example to them. He should set the ideals and standards his family in turn should strive for. But maybe it’s not my place to force him to do that. If he wants to fall from grace, to fail in that role, that’s his right to do so…
I guess I just can’t let it get to me. I did my part. I said my mind and that’s all I can do.
I just hate feeling this way about it.
Work is going okay. “60 Minutes” is back to her gossiping self. Yeah, once again, I’m finding out all the tidbits and juicy information on people I don’t know, never met and don’t care to. The saddest part is I can’t get my life back from those moments *sigh*.
There’s other aspects of things going on there too, but for now, I want to remain hush hush on it and see how it develops. It may very well just be overactive imagination on my part as to where some things can lead. But we’ll see.
I have more I wanted to talk about, but not quite yet. I hinted to it in the tale ends of my “walk”. If people pick up on it and ask, I’ll answer. But for now, I think I need to still take it slow in mentioning.
Till later!