Confession Time, Come on grab your friends, but not really...
I've been at least wanting to tell people about my life and (some) struggles I went through, not only so they'd know me better but also so they can find strength in themselves (I'm not trying to be preachy here, I just want people to know me) So I decided to get some things off my chest that I feel some people have a right to know.
1) I have been fighting anxiety since I was 9 years old. When I was little there were times that I would just curl up in a ball and cry for no reason. I used to be so scared of everything that I'd never do anything, I'd never want to go anywhere. I was absolutely horrified of everything. I always thought that if something bad could happen it would happen. I was always afraid I would be kidnapped or murdered or get lost somewhere and I was always horrified. Later in my early to mid teen years I was constantly worried about hurting myself even though I knew it wasn't what I wanted, the fear would always creep up on me, all the time. I was scared of myself. I didn't want that to happen to me, but for some reason the fact that I had been diagnosed (falsely) with depression when I was younger made me afraid that I would be one of those people that did that, and that scared me more than anything. I was finally able to stop thinking that way and know that I was going to be okay because of a few different things.
1) The therapist I had gone to for 2 years was extremely helpful to me. He gave me more answers then I had ever gotten from any other therapist I had tried. He was a keeper and he really helped me re-think things. Some things you think aren't your ideas, its the disease. Sometimes things you think aren't your direct thoughts. This helped me out a lot, and I didn't think so much of the random things that came into my head all the time, and that helped me eventually get over it in the end.
2) Anime. As odd and silly as that sounds, there are some things about my love for this that really helped me through my anxiety, and I'd especially have to say that for Vic Mignogna. Those who know me know that I absolutely love anime and Vic Mignogna with a passion. But something they may not know, is it isn't just because he voices my favorite character or because anime is so fun to watch, draw, etc.. It's because when I was upset I took a quote from the first character I ever heard him voice to heart. Fai D. Flowrite from Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle had said "Worry doesn't serve a purpose. It just drains your strength. Strength you'll need when the really challenge has come. Learning to be happy through your struggles is a priceless skill." Shortly after I had watched this series I discovered Ouran High School Host Club, my favorite anime (as many know), and I discovered Tamaki Suoh (anime love of my life but that's besides the point). This character has made me so happy for so many reasons. Not just because he's cute, romantic, hilarious, everything I like in a character, but because his struggles never got him down. He never once felt sorry for himself or became depressed about his life. He just accepted it as the way things are. His way of thinking made me admire this character and I realized that's the kind of person that I want to be.
I have a feeling those who know me now never would have thought any of these things happened to me. I've since actually strived to be more like Tamaki and not let things bother me. That may sound silly to some, but it's really kept me happy for these past 2 years. I rarely ever have an anxiety attack anymore and I truly am a happy person now.
2.) Body Issues
Some of the things that really bother me is how women are liked only for their bodies and it disgusts me and I feel self-conscious about my own. This is one of the reasons why I'm uncomfortable being around guys because I'm afraid they'll only like me for this one superficial reason, and that's what turns me off dating (a bit ironic since I'm a hopeless romantic). The thing that scares me most is I'm oblivious and not a very good judge of character so sometimes I can't tell. I'd like to have a boyfriend but at the same time I always feel uncomfortable. I've known guys who only like girls for their bodies and it infuriates me. Women aren't objects or trophies and shouldn't be treated like one.
Anyways, I have a pretty good physique (according to some people), and I really hate it when anyone (guy or girl, usually girls cause they seem more comfortable) talks about my chest. I really don't like my chest size and that relates to the above statement. I don't want to be liked for that reason. It just makes me uncomfortable if anyone talks about it cause its not their business to talk about and its embarassing. I've actually had thoughts or getting a reduction surgery so I wouldn't have to worry about it, but it was just a passing thought. I try to cover up as much as possible. I'm very self-conscious about my body.
So there ya go, my two confessions. I'm hungry...