you've been gone for over a decade and you've been lost but i still feel you..
04/08/05
Whoeever decides to listen:
It's amazing how one decision can change the rest of your life--for better or for worse. If you had asked me two years ago if I thought I would ever be where I am now, I would have regarded you wth the eyes of a woman listening to someone speaking in tongues-- the infamous "ten-foot-pole-look." I'm not exactly sure what the purpose of this writing is, all I know is that I have to make my thoughts visible. Why, when we find the perfect person, must we voluntarily jeopardize everything for five seconds of satisfaction? Today my friend called me a stupid bitch. She explained to me how I fuck with people's feelings because, in the end, I want them to come back to me so I can console them. Whether that's true or not, I don't know. All I know is that on Saturday, April 2, 2005 I made the worst decision of my life. I met some guy off the internet, met him in person, and within one hour, I cheated on the person I care about the most. All I can do now is attempt to rebuild His trust and faith in me--something I am totally undeserving of. I can only pray that this does not completely ruin our relationship for the rest of our lives. I know He will most likely never forgive me for this, nor will he ever forget what I did to Him. He called me a whore, told me I didn't deserve Him back, that I deserve to live a shallow and miserable existence, and that He will probably never forgive me. All of these things I know are true.I'm just glad He's willing to let me fight for His respect. I know He still loves me, and God knows I love Him. I still have no idea what drove me to do what I did. Was an hour of pleasure worth days, weeks, months years of pain, on not only myself, but on the person I love the most? Definantly not. The sad thing is, I knew the guy was using me. He practically told me so. I don't know, maybe I wanted him to treat me like the worthless piece of trash I know I am. I will never forgive myself for what I have done, and who I have hurt. Today I have cried the most I've ever cried in my entire life. Now don't think it's because I feel sorry for myself. Most definantly not. It's because I made a decision, and that moronic decision has changed, and has most likely caused me to lose, the relationship with whome I care most. It's been a hard day, and tomorrow is only going to be worse. I hope I can make it. Not just for me, but for our future life, for Lille Ann, for Bam Lucious Constantine, for Jacobie, and most importantly, for Him. It's going to be a long hard road back to normalcy, but I'm more than willing to fight. I just hope when He reads this He can understand what's going on in this fucked up head of mine. And we learn as we age. We've learned nothing and my body still aches... and I will lie awake... as you fall for every empty word I say... Ah, yes, Brand New, the "soundtrack of our life," as He would say. It's amazing how He dictates my thoughts and rules in my head. Where were you on Saturday, the day I needed you most? Napping I suppose... Oh well, can't change that now, now can we? Well, that's enough of my ramblings. I'm sure I'll have more to say if I don't quit now, and I know I must be boring you to death. I T-boned the love of my life with my car. One hundred miles per hour can turn anyone into red pieces on the pavement of the interstate known as LIFE. I just hope I can put the pieces back together. If duct tape c'ain't fix it, it c'ain't be fixed. Well, I sure hope duct tape works.
Sincerely,
Angela Ann (O'Reilyfitz)Fogg(-Gerald-Luis)
...Love is a risk, to always get hit out of nowhere by a wave and end up alone... --Brand New
Whoeever decides to listen:
It's amazing how one decision can change the rest of your life--for better or for worse. If you had asked me two years ago if I thought I would ever be where I am now, I would have regarded you wth the eyes of a woman listening to someone speaking in tongues-- the infamous "ten-foot-pole-look." I'm not exactly sure what the purpose of this writing is, all I know is that I have to make my thoughts visible. Why, when we find the perfect person, must we voluntarily jeopardize everything for five seconds of satisfaction? Today my friend called me a stupid bitch. She explained to me how I fuck with people's feelings because, in the end, I want them to come back to me so I can console them. Whether that's true or not, I don't know. All I know is that on Saturday, April 2, 2005 I made the worst decision of my life. I met some guy off the internet, met him in person, and within one hour, I cheated on the person I care about the most. All I can do now is attempt to rebuild His trust and faith in me--something I am totally undeserving of. I can only pray that this does not completely ruin our relationship for the rest of our lives. I know He will most likely never forgive me for this, nor will he ever forget what I did to Him. He called me a whore, told me I didn't deserve Him back, that I deserve to live a shallow and miserable existence, and that He will probably never forgive me. All of these things I know are true.I'm just glad He's willing to let me fight for His respect. I know He still loves me, and God knows I love Him. I still have no idea what drove me to do what I did. Was an hour of pleasure worth days, weeks, months years of pain, on not only myself, but on the person I love the most? Definantly not. The sad thing is, I knew the guy was using me. He practically told me so. I don't know, maybe I wanted him to treat me like the worthless piece of trash I know I am. I will never forgive myself for what I have done, and who I have hurt. Today I have cried the most I've ever cried in my entire life. Now don't think it's because I feel sorry for myself. Most definantly not. It's because I made a decision, and that moronic decision has changed, and has most likely caused me to lose, the relationship with whome I care most. It's been a hard day, and tomorrow is only going to be worse. I hope I can make it. Not just for me, but for our future life, for Lille Ann, for Bam Lucious Constantine, for Jacobie, and most importantly, for Him. It's going to be a long hard road back to normalcy, but I'm more than willing to fight. I just hope when He reads this He can understand what's going on in this fucked up head of mine. And we learn as we age. We've learned nothing and my body still aches... and I will lie awake... as you fall for every empty word I say... Ah, yes, Brand New, the "soundtrack of our life," as He would say. It's amazing how He dictates my thoughts and rules in my head. Where were you on Saturday, the day I needed you most? Napping I suppose... Oh well, can't change that now, now can we? Well, that's enough of my ramblings. I'm sure I'll have more to say if I don't quit now, and I know I must be boring you to death. I T-boned the love of my life with my car. One hundred miles per hour can turn anyone into red pieces on the pavement of the interstate known as LIFE. I just hope I can put the pieces back together. If duct tape c'ain't fix it, it c'ain't be fixed. Well, I sure hope duct tape works.
Sincerely,
Angela Ann (O'Reilyfitz)Fogg(-Gerald-Luis)
...Love is a risk, to always get hit out of nowhere by a wave and end up alone... --Brand New