(no subject)
i really like when the leaves change. it shows me something is still on track. no matter how hard everything else is falling, it doesn't affect the seasons. the leaves are falling like crazy. i come home&my pool is a leaf pit. sometimes daddy gets irritated at it. but it's nature, what can you do? i like how there is red on top of orange on top of yellow on top of green. it reminds me of how people evolve. the instant you stop evolving is the moment you stop existing. i've beome stagnant. i don't feel like i'm making any progress. everything is spinning in a circle, and there's no break. there's no break in these walls. the green is who i am. the green is what will always be there. it's the foundation. the yellow is the changes that happened a while ago, just the basic ones. the orange&red, that's different though. it's so contrasted with the foundation that it's almost ridiculous and unfathomable to think that this is who i am. the most extreme. the most recent. the deepest.
it's hard not to think. it's hard to sleep&to eat. i don't feel healthy anymore. i don't feel okay. the trust i had is completely crashing around me. i can't look anyone in the eye. i don't know what i'm going to see. i can only find the monsters in people. like stacey's concentration for art. i want to run. just run. i feel like this would all fall away, if i just ran as hard as i could. sometimes i feel like it would run right next me. maybe a little ahead, maybe a little behind.
i feel like getting drunk. i feel like forgetting everything for a little while, and just being fucking reckless. i want to hurt someone. i want to live without a conscience, just like everyone else does. i want the colors to bleed again. i want my speech slurred, i want my limbs heavy. god damn, i just want out. but i don't want this to be my only way out. our generation is a group of drunk, fucked up, lonely people. sometimes i get scared that we are all going to end up as the ones who go to bars, sit and talk to the bartender about how much our life sucks, or what dreams we had when we were young. bartending is good money, but i would go crazy listening to everyone. if you aren't a little bit sad, then you aren't paying close enough attention.
you are gravity.
i feel very unstable. someone took the rug out from under me. loosening the nails holding the boards that i walk on. something has failed completely. i think it's me.
i just don't know anymore.
it's hard not to think. it's hard to sleep&to eat. i don't feel healthy anymore. i don't feel okay. the trust i had is completely crashing around me. i can't look anyone in the eye. i don't know what i'm going to see. i can only find the monsters in people. like stacey's concentration for art. i want to run. just run. i feel like this would all fall away, if i just ran as hard as i could. sometimes i feel like it would run right next me. maybe a little ahead, maybe a little behind.
i feel like getting drunk. i feel like forgetting everything for a little while, and just being fucking reckless. i want to hurt someone. i want to live without a conscience, just like everyone else does. i want the colors to bleed again. i want my speech slurred, i want my limbs heavy. god damn, i just want out. but i don't want this to be my only way out. our generation is a group of drunk, fucked up, lonely people. sometimes i get scared that we are all going to end up as the ones who go to bars, sit and talk to the bartender about how much our life sucks, or what dreams we had when we were young. bartending is good money, but i would go crazy listening to everyone. if you aren't a little bit sad, then you aren't paying close enough attention.
you are gravity.
i feel very unstable. someone took the rug out from under me. loosening the nails holding the boards that i walk on. something has failed completely. i think it's me.
i just don't know anymore.