(no subject)
there's probably a lot of things that i need to say to you.
but i'm really afraid of hurting you and pushing you away.
i've discovered i'm the most hypocritical person i've ever known.
because no matter what happens, my lack of backbone will always prevail over my feelings, and i'll never do what's right for me.
here's everything i'll never tell you.
i've never done anything purposely to hurt you, which is probably why you'll never find out about this. there's just a lot of things i haven't solved with myself. i'm still angry about things that happened six months ago because they never got fixed. there's a lot of things that i see in you that i hate in other people. but i don't know why i can't hate you for them. i feel like you are like the people i try to avoid. i want to say i hate you, because maybe that would just make hurting like this so much easier. i convinced myself that i hated you over the summer, and i hurt less. i saw everything about you that i didn't like because i was free to look at you with unbaised eyes. i need you and we both know that. i can't just let myself give up on something i worked so hard at, even if you didn't for a while. i can't forget the way you said you didn't love me anymore and how you said we weren't supposed to be together. it was you who planted these ideas in my head. and yeah, i know it was a long time ago, but my heart is still broken. you haven't taken the time to fix it. i don't know how to fix it myself. maybe that's where this whole relationship has gone wrong. do you recognize that i'm still hurt? i feel like as soon as you left me, i reverted back to being a five year old. all i want is your love, and i know you love me but you don't show me. it would be foolish of me to say, "well if you loved me, you would..." because that isn't how love works. there's so many things that you could do to show me you love me that you don't. there's so many holes in me that are just empty. and obviously, neither of us knows how to fill them. i've stopped so many things for you. i hurt myself so that i can focus on something else than the pain im feeling to help you, to make you feel better. it works until you realize i'm doing it. things just don't go away. you can't blow away problems like eyelashes on cheeks, that's not how it works. i don't forget anything, and you block everything out. i'm stuck with the burden of everything that's gotten said, every tear, every conversation we've ever had, whether it hurt us or not. i feel like maybe you should have to remember too. nothing is effective if you can't remember the consequences. we have both changed, both of us. but i can't help but feeling like i've changed a little and you've done a complete one-eighty. the person you were is completely buried under what you show the world. nothing is important to you anymore. and if i am, then why don't you know anything about me. this goes back to the conversation we had in the car. i could probably name off one hundred and one things about you, but you can say anything about me. i don't know why. how can you forget who i am. we don't talk because if there is a subject, we don't agree. you're very intolerant of other people's ideas and interests, music, opinions, anything. i feel like you just brush them aside, and that really bothers me. i don't know how to tell you any of this. you'll probably feel like you're being attacked and you'll get defensive and mean. there's a lot of you that i see and don't like. if i had the chance, i don't know if i would change it or not because then it wouldn't be you. you would be like a frankenstein, something that i created. and no, you were never what i wanted you to be, but neither is anyone else. if everyone was who someone else wanted them to be, then there would be nothing. i don't see anything more in anyone else, because i don't look at anyone else. other people are appealing because they are the complete opposite of you, and sometimes that's what i need. eric was the complete opposite of you and that's what i needed right then. i couldn't stand to be around you. you disgusted me, and i think it's because i hated what you were doing to yourself. i hated what you did, how you looked, how you acted, everything. and it was okay to hate you then. but it isn't okay to hate you now. i see you differently now. neither of us is as innocent as we used to be. we've hurt eachother. i didn't want you to know about eric because i didn't want you to look at me like that. i didn't want you to think i had moved on. i didn't want you to think that i had found something that i thought was better. but you had moved on. what i don't understand is that if you knew how much it hurts to be told to move on, then why did you do it to me? how could you sit there and just rip me apart like that? and i let you. i let you tear me down and rip me apart. i have no backbone when it comes to you, none. i couldn't stand up for myself and tell i didn't like something because you would just throw it back in my face. i can't even do it now. everything i say to you gets turned around. a lot of times i find myself talking in circles and often not saying what i really mean to say, or saying it fifty other ways and times. i hate that you smoke and drink. one thing that was nice about eric was that when he found out i didnt like it, he stopped completely. for me. there was no, "i'm trying to quit." and "i'll only do it when there is a reason." he quit right then, and didn't start again until me and you got back together. you won't do that for me though. i don't think you would've stopped smoking pot if you hadn't been forced to. i never wish you were someone else, i just hope that one day, somethings about you will be different. i love you for who you are, and you know that. but we aren't the same anymore. we have almost nothing in common. i don't know what that means just now, but it will probably have a big impact when we get out of high school. i don't think i want to stay here for college. i want to go to a university, but im scared that you are going to go off and find someone else. and that is almost motivation enough for me to throw away what i want to do. im not going to leave you, why would i do that to myself again? i dont know how to fix this, and maybe i never will. it's up to you, even if you don't want to do it.
but i'm really afraid of hurting you and pushing you away.
i've discovered i'm the most hypocritical person i've ever known.
because no matter what happens, my lack of backbone will always prevail over my feelings, and i'll never do what's right for me.
here's everything i'll never tell you.
i've never done anything purposely to hurt you, which is probably why you'll never find out about this. there's just a lot of things i haven't solved with myself. i'm still angry about things that happened six months ago because they never got fixed. there's a lot of things that i see in you that i hate in other people. but i don't know why i can't hate you for them. i feel like you are like the people i try to avoid. i want to say i hate you, because maybe that would just make hurting like this so much easier. i convinced myself that i hated you over the summer, and i hurt less. i saw everything about you that i didn't like because i was free to look at you with unbaised eyes. i need you and we both know that. i can't just let myself give up on something i worked so hard at, even if you didn't for a while. i can't forget the way you said you didn't love me anymore and how you said we weren't supposed to be together. it was you who planted these ideas in my head. and yeah, i know it was a long time ago, but my heart is still broken. you haven't taken the time to fix it. i don't know how to fix it myself. maybe that's where this whole relationship has gone wrong. do you recognize that i'm still hurt? i feel like as soon as you left me, i reverted back to being a five year old. all i want is your love, and i know you love me but you don't show me. it would be foolish of me to say, "well if you loved me, you would..." because that isn't how love works. there's so many things that you could do to show me you love me that you don't. there's so many holes in me that are just empty. and obviously, neither of us knows how to fill them. i've stopped so many things for you. i hurt myself so that i can focus on something else than the pain im feeling to help you, to make you feel better. it works until you realize i'm doing it. things just don't go away. you can't blow away problems like eyelashes on cheeks, that's not how it works. i don't forget anything, and you block everything out. i'm stuck with the burden of everything that's gotten said, every tear, every conversation we've ever had, whether it hurt us or not. i feel like maybe you should have to remember too. nothing is effective if you can't remember the consequences. we have both changed, both of us. but i can't help but feeling like i've changed a little and you've done a complete one-eighty. the person you were is completely buried under what you show the world. nothing is important to you anymore. and if i am, then why don't you know anything about me. this goes back to the conversation we had in the car. i could probably name off one hundred and one things about you, but you can say anything about me. i don't know why. how can you forget who i am. we don't talk because if there is a subject, we don't agree. you're very intolerant of other people's ideas and interests, music, opinions, anything. i feel like you just brush them aside, and that really bothers me. i don't know how to tell you any of this. you'll probably feel like you're being attacked and you'll get defensive and mean. there's a lot of you that i see and don't like. if i had the chance, i don't know if i would change it or not because then it wouldn't be you. you would be like a frankenstein, something that i created. and no, you were never what i wanted you to be, but neither is anyone else. if everyone was who someone else wanted them to be, then there would be nothing. i don't see anything more in anyone else, because i don't look at anyone else. other people are appealing because they are the complete opposite of you, and sometimes that's what i need. eric was the complete opposite of you and that's what i needed right then. i couldn't stand to be around you. you disgusted me, and i think it's because i hated what you were doing to yourself. i hated what you did, how you looked, how you acted, everything. and it was okay to hate you then. but it isn't okay to hate you now. i see you differently now. neither of us is as innocent as we used to be. we've hurt eachother. i didn't want you to know about eric because i didn't want you to look at me like that. i didn't want you to think i had moved on. i didn't want you to think that i had found something that i thought was better. but you had moved on. what i don't understand is that if you knew how much it hurts to be told to move on, then why did you do it to me? how could you sit there and just rip me apart like that? and i let you. i let you tear me down and rip me apart. i have no backbone when it comes to you, none. i couldn't stand up for myself and tell i didn't like something because you would just throw it back in my face. i can't even do it now. everything i say to you gets turned around. a lot of times i find myself talking in circles and often not saying what i really mean to say, or saying it fifty other ways and times. i hate that you smoke and drink. one thing that was nice about eric was that when he found out i didnt like it, he stopped completely. for me. there was no, "i'm trying to quit." and "i'll only do it when there is a reason." he quit right then, and didn't start again until me and you got back together. you won't do that for me though. i don't think you would've stopped smoking pot if you hadn't been forced to. i never wish you were someone else, i just hope that one day, somethings about you will be different. i love you for who you are, and you know that. but we aren't the same anymore. we have almost nothing in common. i don't know what that means just now, but it will probably have a big impact when we get out of high school. i don't think i want to stay here for college. i want to go to a university, but im scared that you are going to go off and find someone else. and that is almost motivation enough for me to throw away what i want to do. im not going to leave you, why would i do that to myself again? i dont know how to fix this, and maybe i never will. it's up to you, even if you don't want to do it.