"300" was gay and not worth it (or "What I didn't love about this movie.")
Grrr, I was in the process of writing a review on "300" when something weird happened to my browser and all I had typed was lost. I'm to much of a lazy-ass and am too tired to start on it again..
Oh shoot, I'll just type a compressed version of my previous post...
"300" was the gay-est movie I've ever seen. Sweaty, pumpled-up, half-naked men running around just doesn't do it for me...
Very beautiful, visually, but fake as Pamela Anderson's boobs - about 90% of the movie was computer graphics. Nothing wrong with that, I guess, if you're the kinda person that pays attention to fancy graphics and completely ignores the plot and dialogue of movies. This is obviously not me.
If you know little or nothing of the Battle of Thermopylae and happen to be among the above described type of viewer when it comes to special effects and plot, you will most certainly love this movie. I have been fortunate (or unfortunate?!) enough to be the son of a history freak, so as a child I've heard and read more about the Battle of Thermopylae than most people have. As a result, I can't help but be annoyed with a movie based on actual events that is THIS made-up and omits some real important facts..
Firstly, wayyyyy too much emphasis on how Spartans were brought up and how tough and hard core they were. Who needs all that, really? I think even Conan the Barbarian would agree about their toughness by just seeing them cut down the enemy Persians all sweaty and wearing only their underwear!
They were so amazingly tough, some of them defied gravity in the same way warriors did in "House of the Flying Dagger" and "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" or whatever it was called... Yup, tough bastards.
Secondly, one of the main reasons the Spartans were so successful in fending off the Persians at the Thermopylae, was because of their superior battle training, tacticts and better body armor. In this movie you will see much skillful killing, but almost no tactics, and absolutely no body armor, as I already pointed out above.
Thirdly, contrary to what you'll see in this movie Leonidas' army was not comprised of only about 30 Spartans. There were about 1,000 more soldiers from different Greek states at his command.. they were not shown or even mentioned in this movie, save for the vague number of Thespian volunteers who only appear twice in the whole movie, and the second time they appear is when they're actually leaving the Spartans to defend the strait themselves.
Furthermore, the director Zack Snyder (same guy that did the remake of Romero's "Dawn of the Dead" a couple of years ago) did a lousy job portraying the hopelessness of the battle. Indeed, he made the 300 Spartans apper like 30, at least I couldn't count more than 30 of them at any given time, but no real emphasis on the size of the Persian army.. and there was only one real massive attack. -- Xerxes, the evil Persian "god king" commandeered an army of over 200,000 men. Which takes me to my next point...
The Persian army was made up of disfigured, degenerate monster freaks!! Wha??
There was this monster-dude that had huge blades instead of arms.. What the fuck?? I wish I had seen a picture of that somewhere, I would've never gone to this movie!
And not only that, but they made Xerxes, for reasons that elude me, look like a fucking 8-foot-tall transvestite! Why?!
It would also have been interesting, in my opinion, if they made mention of Xerxes' brothers, two of which died in this battle.. but no.
The story shows Greece divided and unwilling to back Leonidas in his quest to stop the Persian invasion because some naked teenage 'oracle'
whom a bunch of leprosy-infested elders picked for her beauty, said the battle was unwinnable..
Not quite true.. In reality, the oracle's vague prediction stated that either Greece would fall or that a great kind will be lost defending it. And the reason so few soldiers went to fend the Thermopylae was because this was supposed to be just a stalemate battle designed to give the Greeks time to gather an army, which was taking a while, since they were having their Olympic Games at that time. Haha.
Leonidas and the Spartans were betrayed by a disfigured Spartan soldier wannabe because he was offended by the king's rejection. Sure... why not. Smeagol, anyone??
As with the monster-freaks, there were some weird elephants and other animals as well, sorta a-la-"Lord of the Rings" kinda thing, but just easier to kill and rather retarded looking...
I'm not sure if the Persians really used animals to attack the Spartans in this battle, but it seems irrational and impractical, considering the strait was not wider than 10-12 feet or so...
The grand ending seriously pissed me off. I'm sick of the "heroes die last" Hollywood crap.. In reality, Leonidas was slayed a whole day before the arrow shower which killed the last Spartans, whereas in this movie he was the last one standing. How heroic.
Also, after Leonidas' death, the evil Xerxes mutilated his body (behadead and cricified him - pretty unusual behavior for Persians), because he had serious anger issues. In the movie, however, as I already mentioned, Xerxes is portrayed as a gigantic transvestite with reeeeeal deep voice and no personality. At times he actually looked like he wanted to suck Leonidas off, rather than order his dispatch.
Again, a very beautiful movie, both color and effect-wise.. the excess of fake computer-generated blood made me drool, but was not enough to affect my overall opinion of this movie, which is: Great visuals but other than that, a load of bollocks and waste of money!
5 out of 10