disappointment and hope
This month, I was disappointed when I started bleeding out my vagina. I just had a feeling, which was probably more of a simple hope. I know better, that we're not quite ready, financially, especially. But I always have this hope because I know that we would go through with it and make it work if it did actually happen. Ironically, before returning to Hamilton, we were in a better financial state to have a kid than now. When I was younger, my mom used to wonder out-loud about people who seemed to have found their true love -- what about the insides? Would they work just fine, allowing them to build a happy family? Or would they get frustrated from years of trying fruitlessly? That's become one of my biggest fears. That when we're ready to have kids, it won't be that easy and ten years after a shitload of trying, we wouldn't have gotten very far. I know conceiving isn't easy but some people make it look so easy, what with their "accidents" on a mere night of passion. I long for that to be me. Not the accident part but the ease. I've heard that it's most likely to happen in a flurry of passion, when you least expect it. It's just what I hear, I really don't know any better. We talked about this fear of mine this morning, and we talked about adopting if nothing happens. I do want to adopt even when/if we do have kids. A little African boy with large, curious eyes and an irresistable grin.