up, up and away
I stopped counting before, but today, I realized there's seventeen days left till I see him again. And I wondered what it'll be like the moment I see him. I've never been really good with that; mostly, it's been awkward -- the first visual moment. It's like I don't know what to do with myself even though I know what's expected, given the situation (but at the same time, I'm not one for public face-sucking. And this time round, a public make-out, as much as I'd want it, with my family there will just be disturbingly weird). It's cheesy but I want it to be like the movies -- the running and jumping into the arms and the long kiss that makes the audience either go "awww" or sickened to the pits of their stomachs. [perhaps it's watching and re-watching Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams recreate their incredibly hot Best Kiss at the MTV Movie Awards that makes me feel this way at this exact moment, but really, I've always secretly wanted a hot airport kiss. P/S: Ryan Gosling a la Breaker High was just unattractively dorky, but Ryan Gosling a la facial hair, a Darfur shirt and a sexy swagger is just hot... I think it's that time of the month, when I get disgustingly horny. I think I need to stop replaying that clip.]
And now the panic has set in. What's it going to be like after being apart for almost two months? I worry now that it'll be like having to get reacquainted, in almost distanced fashion where it'd only be appropriate to shake hands before sharing a bed, let alone fuck like rabbits. Mostly, I worry that all things are going to be different; we've been talking almost everyday but it's been about what we do during the day, and moving and apartment-hunting... hardly anything of emotional substance. I don't think we've actually talked talked in the past five weeks. So we talked tonight. He thinks we now know everything we have to know about each other and it's not about wanting to know more but about spending a lifetime together. Meanwhile, I can't imagine not having to know any more about him. I just think that there should still be some mystery about a person, regardless of how well you know him or her. Maybe I have that condition (I forget what it's called) where all I enjoy is the freshness and mystery of a new relationship and comfort makes me bored -- that would explain my jumping from guy to guy in first year, but not my three-and-a-half-year-old-we'll-get-married-after-having-a-bunch-of-kids relationship. Anyway, to get back on topic, I think my fear is that the time and distance apart and the ensuing busyness will make everything different in a bad way, emotionally (and at points, physically) distancing us. I think my usual [unhealthy] paranoia is kicking in again. This is what happens when I get stressed and I don't know it.