all a daze
Everything's so surreal. I want to be, well... not here. I opened my eyes yesterday to white rooftops -- whatthehell, it's early September and this is beyond shocking for someone who just spent time in thirty-two degree weather. And this eye-rubbing experience comes after spending half the night not sleeping 'cause of an unenjoyable girly infection I've got. I'm scheduled to be back at work next Thursday and since finding out about that two days ago, I've been in utter reluctance -- I've been trying to find a better, perhaps more enjoyable job... something that won't numb me into a mundane cycle. To no avail so far, though.
Actually, I think I've been in utter reluctance about my whole life. A few nights ago, Lucas and I had an uber-long talk that sprang out of nothing. For the first time for as long as I can remember, I was brutally and tearfully honest. And I realized a lot about my situation and about myself. I'm still in a huge dilemma as to what to do. But it feels a bit more straight-forward now, perhaps 'cause I learned some things about me (such as the fact that realistically, I can't do anything decent with my lame BSc and I'd need at least grad school to get somewhere I'd want to be or that I don't think I've found something I really, really like yet). And of course, my brain does stupid things like talk too much and I do stupid things like think too much about things like this, so in combination, I stress myself out a LOT. Tres uncool, especially when you can't get back to sleep at four o'clock in the morning.