"Jesus come fill me again"

[caravsangel]

Life is so hard sometimes. I just don't know how to handle some aspects of my life. I hate being 18. You don't even know how much it sucks for me right now. Why! WHY! Why couldn't I have been born a few years earlier. I'm just about to give up on it all... not like what I used to mean when I said giving up on it all... not suicide... not falling into depression... but giving up on life as it is... just living each day without thought... no thinking... no contemplation... just live in the second... not even in the moment.. but in each second. I've always told people... my worst bad habit is thinking too much. It just causes trouble. But damn... how can I keep it from happening... there are times when, like, I see a picture of an old friends, and all these thoughts flood my brain. How do I deal? I am so just rambling. Main issue bugging me right now, honestly, I suppose is I think I'm jealous. I am jealous and I feel unworthy.... of Christian! I feel inferior... I'm such a little girl... how can this be? He's been through it all.. and me... I'm just starting out. for god's sake... I'm still not out of puberty!!! My boobs aren't even fully developed! I know, most of you won't get that, but trust me... it has significant meaning in my head as to how mature I am. (Thank god a happy song just came on... I needed one.) Why do I deserve this? What have I done that makes me worthy of him. As much of a woman as I am... I still have so many things to me... so many emotions and thought processes and shit that teens deal with.

I guess I'm still in shock. How long will it take for this shock to wear off, I wonder?

Wow. these are all small things to work out in my head... none of what I just said really matters. I'm so in love... and that's all that matters. *hugs and kisses to the best boyfriend in the world*

Cara