Elektra... One kinky girl... One bad movie...
If you are into the Elektra comics, don't see the movie. If you're into weaponry, don't see the movie. If you're into Japanese culture, don't see the movie. If you're a lonely, depressed, virgin highschool idiot, who thinks his life would be complete if he saw two girls kissing, then by all means, go see the movie... then shoot yourself.
I'm not going to embarass everyone with the stupid back story about how there are waring factions in life and in the soul between good and evil. Talk about a black and white point of view. Anyway, there is something called kimagure which allows some people to control time and bring back the dead. If you know anything about the japanese language, then by this point of the movie you're already laughing. The mispronounce kimagure, and kimagure just means "whim" or "fickle", it isn't anything to do with time or space or anything mystical at all. Moving on, Elektra we learn from a 2 second flashback, has had her mother killed, has died and was revived, studied martial arts under a white guy named stick, and she mispronounced sensei. Back to present. She's an assassin for hire who uses bastardized sai (a Japanese and Chinese weapon, with a long round spike, and two side guards to catch a blade, that origionally was used for poking holes in the soil to plant crops and dig up radishes from the ground. It was then used by law enforcement ro catch a blade and then snap it leaving the attacker without weapon. The only way to use it for offense was to stab with it, but the tip was so dull, that was useless). Her sai don't have a round center spike, but rather a blade which is REALLY stupid because now, not only can she not break blades with it, she also can't stab someone to the hilt with it because of the two prong hand guards. Just get a frickin dagger if you're looking for a blade. My favorite line is when she says to a girl that a sai is a "purely offensive weapon". I couldn't stop laughing. Back to the movie. She is then given orders to kill some girl and her father who she begrudgingly befriended just the day before. She then saves the two, and gets them protection from a blind an named Stick (the white guy mentioned earlier). We then find out that the bad guys are a guy with the kanji for empty on the back of his jacket (he's also the only one who pronounces any japanese correctly, and all he has to say is gaijin), Tattoo, who can make his tattoos come to life and do his bidding (however, he remains prone and helpless while doing this... kinda pointless really), Kinko, who has no power other than to balance a yen coin on his finger for a few seconds of the shooting of the film, and finally Typhoid (a rip on Typhoid Mary), who has the awesome ability to make plants wilt and make people uncomfortable... and maybe kill them if she keeps it up... for about an hour. Elektra then has to save the girl from these four idiots again. We find out the girl has some powers when she kills Kinko. She can make any necklace glow and be used as a mini whip, which you too can do with just a can of glowin the dark paint, and a little practice. We then come to the infamous scene where Typhoid kisses Elektra... oh wait it's not infamous... that title goes to the girls in "Cruel Intentions". This was just a long drawn out kiss for the overly horny teenagers in the audience who like to believe that all lesbians are supermodels and will make out for their amusement. Get real. Stick then comes in and saves everyone. More boring stuff until, finally, we come to the showdown at Elektra's old house. Elektra kills Tattoo, then in an overly drawn out fight scene she realizes the guy with the Kanji on his jacket is the one who killed her mother, and in a big anti-climatic burst, kills bad guy. Then as Typhoid is aiming a kiss on the little girl, Elektra throws her bastard sai through the walls of the hedge maze, and kills Typhoid. Elektra then resurrects the girl, and leaves. I started crying... I couldn't believe that I wasted 6 bucks on that film. Ah well...
This installment is drawing to a close, so I would like to say, "WHY THE HELL WON'T HOLLYWOOD MAKE ANY GOOD MOVIES?!?"
Stay tuned for you're next movie rant from the angry critic.
I'm not going to embarass everyone with the stupid back story about how there are waring factions in life and in the soul between good and evil. Talk about a black and white point of view. Anyway, there is something called kimagure which allows some people to control time and bring back the dead. If you know anything about the japanese language, then by this point of the movie you're already laughing. The mispronounce kimagure, and kimagure just means "whim" or "fickle", it isn't anything to do with time or space or anything mystical at all. Moving on, Elektra we learn from a 2 second flashback, has had her mother killed, has died and was revived, studied martial arts under a white guy named stick, and she mispronounced sensei. Back to present. She's an assassin for hire who uses bastardized sai (a Japanese and Chinese weapon, with a long round spike, and two side guards to catch a blade, that origionally was used for poking holes in the soil to plant crops and dig up radishes from the ground. It was then used by law enforcement ro catch a blade and then snap it leaving the attacker without weapon. The only way to use it for offense was to stab with it, but the tip was so dull, that was useless). Her sai don't have a round center spike, but rather a blade which is REALLY stupid because now, not only can she not break blades with it, she also can't stab someone to the hilt with it because of the two prong hand guards. Just get a frickin dagger if you're looking for a blade. My favorite line is when she says to a girl that a sai is a "purely offensive weapon". I couldn't stop laughing. Back to the movie. She is then given orders to kill some girl and her father who she begrudgingly befriended just the day before. She then saves the two, and gets them protection from a blind an named Stick (the white guy mentioned earlier). We then find out that the bad guys are a guy with the kanji for empty on the back of his jacket (he's also the only one who pronounces any japanese correctly, and all he has to say is gaijin), Tattoo, who can make his tattoos come to life and do his bidding (however, he remains prone and helpless while doing this... kinda pointless really), Kinko, who has no power other than to balance a yen coin on his finger for a few seconds of the shooting of the film, and finally Typhoid (a rip on Typhoid Mary), who has the awesome ability to make plants wilt and make people uncomfortable... and maybe kill them if she keeps it up... for about an hour. Elektra then has to save the girl from these four idiots again. We find out the girl has some powers when she kills Kinko. She can make any necklace glow and be used as a mini whip, which you too can do with just a can of glowin the dark paint, and a little practice. We then come to the infamous scene where Typhoid kisses Elektra... oh wait it's not infamous... that title goes to the girls in "Cruel Intentions". This was just a long drawn out kiss for the overly horny teenagers in the audience who like to believe that all lesbians are supermodels and will make out for their amusement. Get real. Stick then comes in and saves everyone. More boring stuff until, finally, we come to the showdown at Elektra's old house. Elektra kills Tattoo, then in an overly drawn out fight scene she realizes the guy with the Kanji on his jacket is the one who killed her mother, and in a big anti-climatic burst, kills bad guy. Then as Typhoid is aiming a kiss on the little girl, Elektra throws her bastard sai through the walls of the hedge maze, and kills Typhoid. Elektra then resurrects the girl, and leaves. I started crying... I couldn't believe that I wasted 6 bucks on that film. Ah well...
This installment is drawing to a close, so I would like to say, "WHY THE HELL WON'T HOLLYWOOD MAKE ANY GOOD MOVIES?!?"
Stay tuned for you're next movie rant from the angry critic.