On further review: 13.22, “Exodus”
Episode 13.22, "Exodus," was on last night. I watched it, because duh, I'm only human. I mean, yes, there's some ridiculous unnecessary shit in this episode (AU Cas, I'm looking at you, looking RIGHT AT YOU and doing the thing where I point to my eyes and then your eyes to make sure you know I'm LOOKING AT YOU) but it also has one of my favorite scenes of the season. Maybe one of my favorite scenes of the entire series.
I've watched this scene many, many times since it first aired, but on my phone, not on the big screen. The Husband and The Kid were gone last night, so I was able to watch it as many times as I wanted. (How many times was that? I lost count. But I can tell you that it takes 8 taps of the jump back button to get from the end back to the beginning.)
Amazing things about this scene:
The gorgeous desaturation.
Sam's dirty hands and long legs.
Sam's voice. Dean's voice. They're both so soft and gentle, like they're not only feeling their own trauma, but feeling how the other was traumatized and trying to be so careful.
Dean's black jacket.
Sam apologizes to Dean.
The way Dean seems kind of stunned at the whole thing, and barely approaches Sam until he hears that he's "good."
The hug.
"Thought I lost you, man."
The way Sam sniffles and twitches his nose (his precious, precious nose) a few times, like he's about to cry.
The way Sam closes his eyes during the hug and looks relieved, like he was afraid Dean would be angry.
The way Dean looks away and slips into a neutral expression before he exposes his face to Sam after the hug.
Dean's wordless "you sure?" when Sam says he'll handle Lucifer.
Sam insisting that he will handle him with enough vulnerability that you know he's scared shitless but he's going to do it anyway.
The way Dean doesn't look away from Sam, doesn't move his head, doesn't do anything except softly say "okay."
Sam looking away at the end.
Goddammit, y'all, I just love this scene. There are other magnificent scenes in this episode - Dean's reaction to Mary saying she knows what they went through to get to her, Sam pushing Lucifer away from the rift, Sam and Rowena drinking whiskey in the bunker, but this one, guys. This one. It does me in.
And let's talk about Sam apologizing.
Dean's not stupid. He's not really afraid of his brother committing suicide, but he does know that Sam isn't afraid of death, that he welcomes it to some extent, that if the Devil had given him any real choice in the matter, Sam would have gone gentle into that good night and Dean never would have known there'd been any other option. Dean knows that as much as Sam wants to be here for Jack and Mary (and himself), having that bestowed on him by Lucifer is, in many ways, the worst thing that could happen to him, because Lucifer never gives with one hand without taking away with the other. But Dean also finds it hard to care as much as he should about the worst thing happening to Sam, because Dean just lived through the worst thing that could happen to him, and Sam? Sam can deal.
And Dean feels guilty, maybe, because he prayed for this. He prayed to Chuck and Amara, prayed and begged, please, he deserves better, please, I can't do this, please, and when Sam walked into the camp his first thought was that maybe they'd actually listened, maybe one of them had brought him back, and even now he wonders.
The Lord works in mysterious ways, after all.
(Dean will always wonder, but he’ll never regret.)
And now Sam's standing here, blood-splattered, reeking of shame and remorse, but alive, Christ, and Dean can't imagine what he's apologizing for. For bringing Lucifer to the camp? As if he wouldn't have found it on his own? For dying? For allowing Lucifer to resurrect him? It's incomprehensible. Dean doesn't have to go dig his little brother's cold ravaged corpse out of a vampire den, he doesn't have to carry him home and burn him, he doesn't have to go on with the rest of his life knowing how badly he failed him once again. Yes, he should care about how awful this is for Sam, but he can't, because Sam's alive and God forgive him (Sam forgive him) because he doesn't care how or why. Just doesn't fucking care.
So when Sam says I'm alive he says then you got nothing to apologize for, because nothing else matters.
I've watched this scene many, many times since it first aired, but on my phone, not on the big screen. The Husband and The Kid were gone last night, so I was able to watch it as many times as I wanted. (How many times was that? I lost count. But I can tell you that it takes 8 taps of the jump back button to get from the end back to the beginning.)
Amazing things about this scene:
The gorgeous desaturation.
Sam's dirty hands and long legs.
Sam's voice. Dean's voice. They're both so soft and gentle, like they're not only feeling their own trauma, but feeling how the other was traumatized and trying to be so careful.
Dean's black jacket.
Sam apologizes to Dean.
The way Dean seems kind of stunned at the whole thing, and barely approaches Sam until he hears that he's "good."
The hug.
"Thought I lost you, man."
The way Sam sniffles and twitches his nose (his precious, precious nose) a few times, like he's about to cry.
The way Sam closes his eyes during the hug and looks relieved, like he was afraid Dean would be angry.
The way Dean looks away and slips into a neutral expression before he exposes his face to Sam after the hug.
Dean's wordless "you sure?" when Sam says he'll handle Lucifer.
Sam insisting that he will handle him with enough vulnerability that you know he's scared shitless but he's going to do it anyway.
The way Dean doesn't look away from Sam, doesn't move his head, doesn't do anything except softly say "okay."
Sam looking away at the end.
Goddammit, y'all, I just love this scene. There are other magnificent scenes in this episode - Dean's reaction to Mary saying she knows what they went through to get to her, Sam pushing Lucifer away from the rift, Sam and Rowena drinking whiskey in the bunker, but this one, guys. This one. It does me in.
And let's talk about Sam apologizing.
Dean's not stupid. He's not really afraid of his brother committing suicide, but he does know that Sam isn't afraid of death, that he welcomes it to some extent, that if the Devil had given him any real choice in the matter, Sam would have gone gentle into that good night and Dean never would have known there'd been any other option. Dean knows that as much as Sam wants to be here for Jack and Mary (and himself), having that bestowed on him by Lucifer is, in many ways, the worst thing that could happen to him, because Lucifer never gives with one hand without taking away with the other. But Dean also finds it hard to care as much as he should about the worst thing happening to Sam, because Dean just lived through the worst thing that could happen to him, and Sam? Sam can deal.
And Dean feels guilty, maybe, because he prayed for this. He prayed to Chuck and Amara, prayed and begged, please, he deserves better, please, I can't do this, please, and when Sam walked into the camp his first thought was that maybe they'd actually listened, maybe one of them had brought him back, and even now he wonders.
The Lord works in mysterious ways, after all.
(Dean will always wonder, but he’ll never regret.)
And now Sam's standing here, blood-splattered, reeking of shame and remorse, but alive, Christ, and Dean can't imagine what he's apologizing for. For bringing Lucifer to the camp? As if he wouldn't have found it on his own? For dying? For allowing Lucifer to resurrect him? It's incomprehensible. Dean doesn't have to go dig his little brother's cold ravaged corpse out of a vampire den, he doesn't have to carry him home and burn him, he doesn't have to go on with the rest of his life knowing how badly he failed him once again. Yes, he should care about how awful this is for Sam, but he can't, because Sam's alive and God forgive him (Sam forgive him) because he doesn't care how or why. Just doesn't fucking care.
So when Sam says I'm alive he says then you got nothing to apologize for, because nothing else matters.