Thoughts about Sam and Dean and responsibility and forgiveness and heartbroken little faces
stir_of_echoes was kind enough to make GIFs for part of Sympathy for the Devil (5.01) for me. ( Go. Look. It is awesome and heartbreaking.) And it turns out I have a lot of thoughts about this. To me, it is one of the saddest scenes in the entire series. And that’s saying a lot.
First… damn. Look at Sam’s face (I borrowed one GIF but really, you need to go view the entire gifset, not just this one, and then tell her thanks for BREAKING YOUR DAMN HEART). Look at him mustering up the courage to tell Bobby what he did. Look at him admitting responsibility. (Dean, this is how you apologize.) And then watch him crumble, watch his heart crack into pieces (how amazing is Jared?) when Bobby rejects him. I saw this comment on Tumblr and it just hurts: Look at this face, knowing this is 27-year-old Sam Winchester, hearing an old family friend/father figure tell him to lose his number because he started the Apocalypse. Now, imagine 17-year-old Sam Winchester’s face, hearing his actual father tell him to never come back if he leaves to accept his free ride to Stanford. SHIT. (Actually, I think 17-year-old Sam would have been angry before he was sad. BUT STILL. AT SOME POINT HE LOOKED THIS CRUSHED, BUT 10 YEARS YOUNGER.)
Excuse me for a minute. I have to compose myself.
Second… How does Sam respond to Bobby’s rejection? He doesn’t argue. He doesn’t lash out. He just accepts it. Watch his little nod there at the end. He knows he fucked up, he hasn’t forgiven himself, and as much as it hurts, he doesn’t expect Bobby to forgive him either.
Third… Looking back, once you get past Sam’s face (sob), the worst part to me is how Dean reacts. He does nothing. Not when Bobby makes his pronouncement, not when Sam leaves, not later when he’s alone with Demon!Bobby, who says more horrible things about Sam (he may possibly start to defend Sam, but it sounds weak at best, and he’s distracted by his realization about the storage place). Not even at the end of the episode, when we’re reminded that those words were spoken by a demon, not by Bobby. Is it because Dean agrees Sam has done something that can’t be forgiven (and if so, has it occurred to him he’s agreeing with a demon, and isn’t that a little ironic considering he’s so angry at Sam because he listened to a demon instead of Dean)? Or is he just so thoroughly molded into the good soldier that he's unable to disagree with any fatherly authority figure? Or both? What do you think Dean looked like when John gave his ultimatum? I imagine it was a lot like what we saw here. Dean, feeling hurt and betrayed by Sam, not daring and/or wanting to disagree with John.
Lest this be considered Dean-bashing, let me point out again that I love Dean. I really do. It’s just not the put-him-on-a-pedestal type of love that says “Saint Dean has sacrificed his whole life for Sam and others and has never done anything wrong and they’re all so meeeeeaaaaaan to him, especially Sam.” Because it’s not true, and because that Dean would be pretty boring, honestly.
No, I love flawed, human Dean. The Dean who is heroic and brave and self-sacrificing but is also selfish and vindictive and petty. The Dean who accepts blame for things that couldn’t possibly be his fault, but shrugs off responsibility for things he actually did. The Dean who sets impossible expectations for himself and others, and is disappointed when they are not met. The Dean who literally dies for others and then resents them for not being worthy of that level of sacrifice. The Dean who loves his little brother desperately, but is occasionally cruel to him, because that’s how people are.
But this? This is why I'm 55% Samgirl.
First… damn. Look at Sam’s face (I borrowed one GIF but really, you need to go view the entire gifset, not just this one, and then tell her thanks for BREAKING YOUR DAMN HEART). Look at him mustering up the courage to tell Bobby what he did. Look at him admitting responsibility. (Dean, this is how you apologize.) And then watch him crumble, watch his heart crack into pieces (how amazing is Jared?) when Bobby rejects him. I saw this comment on Tumblr and it just hurts: Look at this face, knowing this is 27-year-old Sam Winchester, hearing an old family friend/father figure tell him to lose his number because he started the Apocalypse. Now, imagine 17-year-old Sam Winchester’s face, hearing his actual father tell him to never come back if he leaves to accept his free ride to Stanford. SHIT. (Actually, I think 17-year-old Sam would have been angry before he was sad. BUT STILL. AT SOME POINT HE LOOKED THIS CRUSHED, BUT 10 YEARS YOUNGER.)
Excuse me for a minute. I have to compose myself.
Second… How does Sam respond to Bobby’s rejection? He doesn’t argue. He doesn’t lash out. He just accepts it. Watch his little nod there at the end. He knows he fucked up, he hasn’t forgiven himself, and as much as it hurts, he doesn’t expect Bobby to forgive him either.
Third… Looking back, once you get past Sam’s face (sob), the worst part to me is how Dean reacts. He does nothing. Not when Bobby makes his pronouncement, not when Sam leaves, not later when he’s alone with Demon!Bobby, who says more horrible things about Sam (he may possibly start to defend Sam, but it sounds weak at best, and he’s distracted by his realization about the storage place). Not even at the end of the episode, when we’re reminded that those words were spoken by a demon, not by Bobby. Is it because Dean agrees Sam has done something that can’t be forgiven (and if so, has it occurred to him he’s agreeing with a demon, and isn’t that a little ironic considering he’s so angry at Sam because he listened to a demon instead of Dean)? Or is he just so thoroughly molded into the good soldier that he's unable to disagree with any fatherly authority figure? Or both? What do you think Dean looked like when John gave his ultimatum? I imagine it was a lot like what we saw here. Dean, feeling hurt and betrayed by Sam, not daring and/or wanting to disagree with John.
Lest this be considered Dean-bashing, let me point out again that I love Dean. I really do. It’s just not the put-him-on-a-pedestal type of love that says “Saint Dean has sacrificed his whole life for Sam and others and has never done anything wrong and they’re all so meeeeeaaaaaan to him, especially Sam.” Because it’s not true, and because that Dean would be pretty boring, honestly.
No, I love flawed, human Dean. The Dean who is heroic and brave and self-sacrificing but is also selfish and vindictive and petty. The Dean who accepts blame for things that couldn’t possibly be his fault, but shrugs off responsibility for things he actually did. The Dean who sets impossible expectations for himself and others, and is disappointed when they are not met. The Dean who literally dies for others and then resents them for not being worthy of that level of sacrifice. The Dean who loves his little brother desperately, but is occasionally cruel to him, because that’s how people are.
But this? This is why I'm 55% Samgirl.