Single sentence fic: 12.03 coda
This is wildly AU but it got stuck in my head and wouldn't go away. Spoilery for 12.03.
She comes back and she tries, no one can accuse her of not trying, but it's not enough, it's never enough, these two grown men are not the babies she left behind, are broken in ways she cannot mend, and she herself is broken, ripped in two, half of her feeling she must stay here, she owes it to them, and the other half desperately straining toward her Sammy, her Dean, her John, and if she examines her own heart closely enough she might say the more and more dangerous hunts are almost deliberate, because when it finally happens, when she's clawed open and bleeding out, she's mostly just relieved it's over, because this isn't her life and she can't bear to live it any more, so when Sam finds her and starts the familiar litany of it's okay, we'll get help, you'll be okay, she grasps his hand weakly and says please, no and he understands, she watches some dark memory flash across his face and he understands, and he wraps his arms around her and kisses her forehead and says I know, it's okay, I love you and it's okay, and her last thought is someone raised you well and I'm sorry it wasn't me, but she has other boys who she does get to raise, and they're waiting for her.
She comes back and she tries, no one can accuse her of not trying, but it's not enough, it's never enough, these two grown men are not the babies she left behind, are broken in ways she cannot mend, and she herself is broken, ripped in two, half of her feeling she must stay here, she owes it to them, and the other half desperately straining toward her Sammy, her Dean, her John, and if she examines her own heart closely enough she might say the more and more dangerous hunts are almost deliberate, because when it finally happens, when she's clawed open and bleeding out, she's mostly just relieved it's over, because this isn't her life and she can't bear to live it any more, so when Sam finds her and starts the familiar litany of it's okay, we'll get help, you'll be okay, she grasps his hand weakly and says please, no and he understands, she watches some dark memory flash across his face and he understands, and he wraps his arms around her and kisses her forehead and says I know, it's okay, I love you and it's okay, and her last thought is someone raised you well and I'm sorry it wasn't me, but she has other boys who she does get to raise, and they're waiting for her.