i'm lying in the ocean (singing your song) (sehun/lay)
title: i'm lying in the ocean (singing your song)
pairing: sehun/lay, broken!sehun/kai (sehun/yixing, broken!sehun/jongin)
rating: pg-13
genre: au, angst
warnings: character death
word count: 2077 words
summary: sehun's heart is shattered, ripped apart, torn to pieces and set to flames. (theme two/ thirty: cuddling somewhere)
a/n: i actually wrote an alternative ending to this, so i'll put the link to that one here soon if you have a weak heart ;;
sehun's sight is blurry as he walks out of jongin's apartment. the latter had pleaded him not to go out, to stay over and leave in the morning, but sehun needed to get out. out and far away from jongin.
they had just finished watching a movie and were lounging on the couch when jongin hesitantly told sehun, "i need to tell you something."
it wasn't completely unexpected, sehun had been waiting for it since he noticed how jongin would tense up whenever he touched him intimately, how he didn't kiss sehun back as fiery and impatient as he usually would have. jongin was pure fire and passion, sehun loved that side of him, so it was obvious when suddenly jongin's fire died down.
"there's someone else,"
he had started, and sehun closed his eyes for a moment, knowning what was coming,
"and i..."
sehun looked up at him for a second, and he knew jongin, he had learned to read his eyes as if he was reading his mind; he could see the guilt and pain under his sincerity and honesty. those were other reasons why he loved jongin as much as he did. he was always honest, straight-forward; no lying, no beating around the bush. that was his jongin.
"i think i'm in love with him, sehun-ah," jongin's eyes were glistening from the build-up tears and his voice was shaky and soft, "i'm so sorry, sehunnie--"
and it was still jongin. just not his anymore.
"i," sehun started, "i get it. it's okay. i'll just... leave now." his heart was pounding painfully in his chest, eyes filled up to the brim with tears. he got up, stumbling over the pillows and the floor and gathered his belongings as he walked over to the doorway of the living room. he needed to get away before he gave in to the urge to cling onto jongin tightly and beg him not to do this, that he loved him and he knew jongin loved him as well.
"sehun-ah," jongin called his name carefully, stopping the other in his tracks, "it's late, you don't need to leave now, you can stay," jongin had gotten up too, "please?"
"no, jongin," sehun spoke with a shaky voice, "i can't." a short silence took over until sehun spoke again, "just... how long?" the question came out softer than intended.
"i've known him a long time... but i only realized recently what i feel for him," jongin's tone was hesitant as he faced sehun's back, "we haven't done anything, though, if you think that. you know i would never cheat on you."
"i know," sehun sighed deeply and closed his eyes briefly, "i know, jongin."
he didn't turn back to look at jongin again after that and walked out. tears had started rolling down his cheeks and he wiped them away with his sleeve as he made his way to the bus station. he guessed it was around 2am, so there were no regular busses anymore.
the night bus that arrives a little later would take him home, but due to the route it would take longer than usual. not that it mattered, he wasn't in a hurry anyway.
he pulls his beanie over his head before stepping in, avoiding eye contact with the bus driver in an attempt to hide his tear-stained face. he plugs his earphones into his ears to block out the outerworld as he falls back into an empty seat, not even bothering to turn on any music. he breathes into his fist as he sees jongin's building passing by and he feels tears once again streaming down his cheeks.
sehun wants to scream his lungs out, run back to jongin's place and punch his pretty face for the pain he's making him feel; then drop to knees and ask for forgiveness, hold him in his arms and tell him he loves him the most in the world, that they are meant for each other and jongin must be confused, mistaken.
but he knows it would be a wrong thing to do. jongin loves him, he truly does and sehun knows, because he saw it in jongin's eyes, because if he didn't he wouldn't have bothered to find the cleanest way to break up. he loves someone else more now.
it isn't sehun and jongin anymore. he wonders who jongin's heart goes out to now; what the other guy has that sehun doesn't, and he cries.
at the sound of a familiar street name being called in the bus sehun gets up and steps out. the few people who were on the bus had been glancing pityfully at him and it got on his nerves, the last thing he needs right now is pity.
he strolls down the road in the darkness, letting his feet lead him, rubbing his eyes and trying to steady his breathing as he walks into the neighbourhood where he knows his way around as if he lives there himself.
he takes out his phone as he stands outside a tall gray flat. he looks up at the window on the third floor as he dials the only number he could think of dialling at 3am in morning.
a groggy, accented voice reaches his ear and sehun feels guilt rumble in the pit of his stomach, but it's too late to turn back now.
"hyung?" sehun calls him softly, he sounds broken, he realizes, "i'm outside."
a few seconds pass before the other answers with a firm "i'm coming," and ends the call. sehun sees the lights being turned on and he hears a loud buzzing indicating he can go in.
the door to the appartment is already opened and when sehun steps inside and yixing rushes over to him, he lets himself fall back against the door, trembling, "hyung..."
"sehunnie," yixing holds his face and sees the seemingly endless tears roll down his cheeks; he's quick to wipe them away with his thumbs, "what's wrong, what happened, baby?"
sehun breaks down when he hears the nickname and burries his face into yixing's chest, clutching onto his shirt and he nearly drops through his knees if it's not for yixing holding him up.
he somehow manages to walk them over to his bedroom, where he lets sehun sit on his bed and he goes onto his knees to pull off the younger one's shoes. sehun sobs harder when he realizes what yixing is doing for him, because, fuck, he was so selfish to wake up him up in the middle of the night and the other still treats him like a prince.
"is it jongin?" yixing asks carefully as he climbs back onto his bed, brushing away sehun's hair from his face, wiping away more tears with his hands. when sehun nods and hugs his legs, trying to muffle his sobs with his pants, yixing rubs circles on his back in an attempt to calm him.
"do you want to talk about it?"
sehun shakes his head, not now, he thinks, and he turns to face the older one. he looks tired, he sees, but his eyes show his concern, his honest care, as they always have towards him.
"hyung," sehun speaks with a shaky voice, "can i.." he crawls over to yixing and the other is quick to understand what he wants while he barely manages to get out as a whisper, "can you just hold me?" it doesn't come out as much as a question as he wants to, but it doesn't matter because yixing's arms are wide open, so he crawls under the blankets, wraps his arms around the older one's torso and drops his head onto his chest.
a hand brushes through his hair softly as he feels yixing breathing into his hair and an arm is wrapped around sehun's rolled up body. sehun lets himself cry, and yixing holds him tighter, not planning on letting go any time soon.
"thank you, hyung," sehun speaks softly when he feels his tears have dried up, "i didn't know where else to go, i didn't want to go home."
yixing pulls the blanket up higher to cover sehun and himself, and he strokes sehun's cheek with a little smile on his lips, "you know you can always come to me, sehunnie,"
and sehun nods because he knows, he knows yixing cares and always has for as long as he has known him. yixing has always taken care of him, cleaned up his wounds whenever he hurt himself, taken blame on himself whenever sehun got in trouble, but most of the time tried to keep the younger one out of trouble.
"someone could've been lying here in my place and i would've come crying here, bothering you," sehun mutters, "i'm so selfish, hyung, how do you put up with me?"
"you know there's no one, sehun-ah," yixing replies, that place is for you, yixing writes into sehun's back with his finger, "i 'put up' with you because i love you, okay?"
sehun hugs yixing tighter, because yixing always told him that he loved him, he loved him, he loved him, he loved him and sehun would never know if he was allowed to read too much into things, but to be safe, he always decided not to,
"i love you too, hyung, i truly do."
"i know," yixing leans down to kiss his temple and he ruffles the younger's hair, eventually you'll come to me, yixing writes again into his skin, this time on sehun's arm, as sehun looks up into his eyes once more, "now sleep, okay? i'll still be here when you wake up,"
sehun's eyes fluttered close, sighing contently at yixing's words; the older one always knew exactly what he needed to hear,
"i'll always be here."
sehun pulls the blanket over his head and clutches on the bed sheets tighter, he feels his heart throbbing painfully in his chest as he is reminded that this side of the bed is still empty and will always be.
every single time he felt like the world would once again collapse on him he would find his way back to yixing's abandoned apartment. he would climb into yixing's bed in the hope that, maybe today, he could feel his warmth again and relish in his love, but everything would be but an illusion, a dream, a hallucination. the cold sheets that no longer held his scent as a reminder that yixing was gone.
he would think of the things he would do to turn back time, to go back and love yixing the right way, the way he deserved to be loved, now that he knew that he meant the world and more to the other. sehun eventually realized it too, that yixing was the one he should have been waking up to in the morning, but by then it was too late.
the angels took him and sehun cried for months, years maybe.
as time passed he started healing, and he met jongin, a man with a heart almost as beautiful as yixing's, but he could never compare. nonetheless he loved him, still loves him, but love is not a one-way street and sehun find himself to be back at square one.
his heart is shattered, ripped apart, torn to pieces and set to flames. his desire to love again is but ashes now. never again, sehun thinks, he's done.
"yixing," sehun breathes his name painfully, "please," he pleads, "god, please, give me yixing back,"
and he continues mumbling please, please, please, until his tongue can't beg and plead no more, until all he can do is sob until sleep finally wins him over.
--
jongin finds him in yixing's bed, cheeks stained and fast asleep, and he drops himself onto the floor as he finally lets himself breathe. when he received a phone call from sehun's brother asking for him, he panicked and ran out of his apartment, knowing exactly where would find him. he feels bad for imagining the worst case scenarios, but he can't help himself, not when he is aware of the other's past and fragility.
watching sehun's chest rise and fall puts his heart at ease, and he sends sehun's brother a text before leaving the apartment, knowing that his face was the last one sehun would want to see first thing in the morning. and it hurts, it hurts so much, but jongin knows this way was the only right one. in the end everyone would suffer.
and he thinks, isn't it funny, how a person's heart works; how one can easily abandon the ones in front of them, fall in love with someone completely different and forget that, once, another person was their world.
while on the other hand, no matter how much further the world is, the dead is loved forever.
////
pairing: sehun/lay, broken!sehun/kai (sehun/yixing, broken!sehun/jongin)
rating: pg-13
genre: au, angst
warnings: character death
word count: 2077 words
summary: sehun's heart is shattered, ripped apart, torn to pieces and set to flames. (theme two/ thirty: cuddling somewhere)
a/n: i actually wrote an alternative ending to this, so i'll put the link to that one here soon if you have a weak heart ;;
sehun's sight is blurry as he walks out of jongin's apartment. the latter had pleaded him not to go out, to stay over and leave in the morning, but sehun needed to get out. out and far away from jongin.
they had just finished watching a movie and were lounging on the couch when jongin hesitantly told sehun, "i need to tell you something."
it wasn't completely unexpected, sehun had been waiting for it since he noticed how jongin would tense up whenever he touched him intimately, how he didn't kiss sehun back as fiery and impatient as he usually would have. jongin was pure fire and passion, sehun loved that side of him, so it was obvious when suddenly jongin's fire died down.
"there's someone else,"
he had started, and sehun closed his eyes for a moment, knowning what was coming,
"and i..."
sehun looked up at him for a second, and he knew jongin, he had learned to read his eyes as if he was reading his mind; he could see the guilt and pain under his sincerity and honesty. those were other reasons why he loved jongin as much as he did. he was always honest, straight-forward; no lying, no beating around the bush. that was his jongin.
"i think i'm in love with him, sehun-ah," jongin's eyes were glistening from the build-up tears and his voice was shaky and soft, "i'm so sorry, sehunnie--"
and it was still jongin. just not his anymore.
"i," sehun started, "i get it. it's okay. i'll just... leave now." his heart was pounding painfully in his chest, eyes filled up to the brim with tears. he got up, stumbling over the pillows and the floor and gathered his belongings as he walked over to the doorway of the living room. he needed to get away before he gave in to the urge to cling onto jongin tightly and beg him not to do this, that he loved him and he knew jongin loved him as well.
"sehun-ah," jongin called his name carefully, stopping the other in his tracks, "it's late, you don't need to leave now, you can stay," jongin had gotten up too, "please?"
"no, jongin," sehun spoke with a shaky voice, "i can't." a short silence took over until sehun spoke again, "just... how long?" the question came out softer than intended.
"i've known him a long time... but i only realized recently what i feel for him," jongin's tone was hesitant as he faced sehun's back, "we haven't done anything, though, if you think that. you know i would never cheat on you."
"i know," sehun sighed deeply and closed his eyes briefly, "i know, jongin."
he didn't turn back to look at jongin again after that and walked out. tears had started rolling down his cheeks and he wiped them away with his sleeve as he made his way to the bus station. he guessed it was around 2am, so there were no regular busses anymore.
the night bus that arrives a little later would take him home, but due to the route it would take longer than usual. not that it mattered, he wasn't in a hurry anyway.
he pulls his beanie over his head before stepping in, avoiding eye contact with the bus driver in an attempt to hide his tear-stained face. he plugs his earphones into his ears to block out the outerworld as he falls back into an empty seat, not even bothering to turn on any music. he breathes into his fist as he sees jongin's building passing by and he feels tears once again streaming down his cheeks.
sehun wants to scream his lungs out, run back to jongin's place and punch his pretty face for the pain he's making him feel; then drop to knees and ask for forgiveness, hold him in his arms and tell him he loves him the most in the world, that they are meant for each other and jongin must be confused, mistaken.
but he knows it would be a wrong thing to do. jongin loves him, he truly does and sehun knows, because he saw it in jongin's eyes, because if he didn't he wouldn't have bothered to find the cleanest way to break up. he loves someone else more now.
it isn't sehun and jongin anymore. he wonders who jongin's heart goes out to now; what the other guy has that sehun doesn't, and he cries.
at the sound of a familiar street name being called in the bus sehun gets up and steps out. the few people who were on the bus had been glancing pityfully at him and it got on his nerves, the last thing he needs right now is pity.
he strolls down the road in the darkness, letting his feet lead him, rubbing his eyes and trying to steady his breathing as he walks into the neighbourhood where he knows his way around as if he lives there himself.
he takes out his phone as he stands outside a tall gray flat. he looks up at the window on the third floor as he dials the only number he could think of dialling at 3am in morning.
a groggy, accented voice reaches his ear and sehun feels guilt rumble in the pit of his stomach, but it's too late to turn back now.
"hyung?" sehun calls him softly, he sounds broken, he realizes, "i'm outside."
a few seconds pass before the other answers with a firm "i'm coming," and ends the call. sehun sees the lights being turned on and he hears a loud buzzing indicating he can go in.
the door to the appartment is already opened and when sehun steps inside and yixing rushes over to him, he lets himself fall back against the door, trembling, "hyung..."
"sehunnie," yixing holds his face and sees the seemingly endless tears roll down his cheeks; he's quick to wipe them away with his thumbs, "what's wrong, what happened, baby?"
sehun breaks down when he hears the nickname and burries his face into yixing's chest, clutching onto his shirt and he nearly drops through his knees if it's not for yixing holding him up.
he somehow manages to walk them over to his bedroom, where he lets sehun sit on his bed and he goes onto his knees to pull off the younger one's shoes. sehun sobs harder when he realizes what yixing is doing for him, because, fuck, he was so selfish to wake up him up in the middle of the night and the other still treats him like a prince.
"is it jongin?" yixing asks carefully as he climbs back onto his bed, brushing away sehun's hair from his face, wiping away more tears with his hands. when sehun nods and hugs his legs, trying to muffle his sobs with his pants, yixing rubs circles on his back in an attempt to calm him.
"do you want to talk about it?"
sehun shakes his head, not now, he thinks, and he turns to face the older one. he looks tired, he sees, but his eyes show his concern, his honest care, as they always have towards him.
"hyung," sehun speaks with a shaky voice, "can i.." he crawls over to yixing and the other is quick to understand what he wants while he barely manages to get out as a whisper, "can you just hold me?" it doesn't come out as much as a question as he wants to, but it doesn't matter because yixing's arms are wide open, so he crawls under the blankets, wraps his arms around the older one's torso and drops his head onto his chest.
a hand brushes through his hair softly as he feels yixing breathing into his hair and an arm is wrapped around sehun's rolled up body. sehun lets himself cry, and yixing holds him tighter, not planning on letting go any time soon.
"thank you, hyung," sehun speaks softly when he feels his tears have dried up, "i didn't know where else to go, i didn't want to go home."
yixing pulls the blanket up higher to cover sehun and himself, and he strokes sehun's cheek with a little smile on his lips, "you know you can always come to me, sehunnie,"
and sehun nods because he knows, he knows yixing cares and always has for as long as he has known him. yixing has always taken care of him, cleaned up his wounds whenever he hurt himself, taken blame on himself whenever sehun got in trouble, but most of the time tried to keep the younger one out of trouble.
"someone could've been lying here in my place and i would've come crying here, bothering you," sehun mutters, "i'm so selfish, hyung, how do you put up with me?"
"you know there's no one, sehun-ah," yixing replies, that place is for you, yixing writes into sehun's back with his finger, "i 'put up' with you because i love you, okay?"
sehun hugs yixing tighter, because yixing always told him that he loved him, he loved him, he loved him, he loved him and sehun would never know if he was allowed to read too much into things, but to be safe, he always decided not to,
"i love you too, hyung, i truly do."
"i know," yixing leans down to kiss his temple and he ruffles the younger's hair, eventually you'll come to me, yixing writes again into his skin, this time on sehun's arm, as sehun looks up into his eyes once more, "now sleep, okay? i'll still be here when you wake up,"
sehun's eyes fluttered close, sighing contently at yixing's words; the older one always knew exactly what he needed to hear,
"i'll always be here."
sehun pulls the blanket over his head and clutches on the bed sheets tighter, he feels his heart throbbing painfully in his chest as he is reminded that this side of the bed is still empty and will always be.
every single time he felt like the world would once again collapse on him he would find his way back to yixing's abandoned apartment. he would climb into yixing's bed in the hope that, maybe today, he could feel his warmth again and relish in his love, but everything would be but an illusion, a dream, a hallucination. the cold sheets that no longer held his scent as a reminder that yixing was gone.
he would think of the things he would do to turn back time, to go back and love yixing the right way, the way he deserved to be loved, now that he knew that he meant the world and more to the other. sehun eventually realized it too, that yixing was the one he should have been waking up to in the morning, but by then it was too late.
the angels took him and sehun cried for months, years maybe.
as time passed he started healing, and he met jongin, a man with a heart almost as beautiful as yixing's, but he could never compare. nonetheless he loved him, still loves him, but love is not a one-way street and sehun find himself to be back at square one.
his heart is shattered, ripped apart, torn to pieces and set to flames. his desire to love again is but ashes now. never again, sehun thinks, he's done.
"yixing," sehun breathes his name painfully, "please," he pleads, "god, please, give me yixing back,"
and he continues mumbling please, please, please, until his tongue can't beg and plead no more, until all he can do is sob until sleep finally wins him over.
--
jongin finds him in yixing's bed, cheeks stained and fast asleep, and he drops himself onto the floor as he finally lets himself breathe. when he received a phone call from sehun's brother asking for him, he panicked and ran out of his apartment, knowing exactly where would find him. he feels bad for imagining the worst case scenarios, but he can't help himself, not when he is aware of the other's past and fragility.
watching sehun's chest rise and fall puts his heart at ease, and he sends sehun's brother a text before leaving the apartment, knowing that his face was the last one sehun would want to see first thing in the morning. and it hurts, it hurts so much, but jongin knows this way was the only right one. in the end everyone would suffer.
and he thinks, isn't it funny, how a person's heart works; how one can easily abandon the ones in front of them, fall in love with someone completely different and forget that, once, another person was their world.
while on the other hand, no matter how much further the world is, the dead is loved forever.
////