(no subject)
Well, it's all over. I graduated college last Friday...it was a really nice day all around, and it made me feel really good about the past four years of my life and what I've done with them. Now, I'm back at home and I've been working at the financial aid office for the past few days. It's been really nice, I love my co-workers...all of them...not just the C.O.W.S. but everyone in that office is wonderful. I'm trying to sort of get a life together for myself. Desperately trying to find a job...which hasn't happened yet...a huge part of my life has ended and now I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I'm returning to my old life, my pre-college life, I'm back it my house, I go to work all day, I come home...but in high school I had homework I could do...I had friends who I actually felt close to that I could call. Nothing fits anymore, my pre-college self is dead, she doesn't exist, and I don't want her to exist ever again, but my college self can't exist anymore. I just don't belong here anymore. I hate being home in my house, I feel like I live with strangers who either don't understand or don't appreciate me (as evidenced by my father's behavior at my graduation). I have a few friends who are here now who I actually feel close to, but after the summer a lot of them are going to go to college again...and then where will I be? Who will be my family? My real family hasn't been doing a very good job of it for the past 5 or 6 years...
I miss school, I miss feeling like I have a purpose; feeling like I'm wanted. No one wants me here, no one seems happy that I'm home again, there's nothing left for me here. I can't go back in time and do college again, I know that, but I can't do this anymore either...I can't just resume my home life where I left it four years ago. I don't know what's going to happen, I have nothing to look forward to right now, it kills me. I hate coming home from work and just sitting in my room because there's noone around. It's so lonely. I don't feel like I'm ever home, I don't have a home...at least I don't have a place that feels like home, in fact work feels more like home than home does and that's going to be taken away from me in a little over a month. I hate it here, I don't belong here...I don't belong anywhere anymore. I need something to change...I need something new to start.
I miss school, I miss feeling like I have a purpose; feeling like I'm wanted. No one wants me here, no one seems happy that I'm home again, there's nothing left for me here. I can't go back in time and do college again, I know that, but I can't do this anymore either...I can't just resume my home life where I left it four years ago. I don't know what's going to happen, I have nothing to look forward to right now, it kills me. I hate coming home from work and just sitting in my room because there's noone around. It's so lonely. I don't feel like I'm ever home, I don't have a home...at least I don't have a place that feels like home, in fact work feels more like home than home does and that's going to be taken away from me in a little over a month. I hate it here, I don't belong here...I don't belong anywhere anymore. I need something to change...I need something new to start.