From the Jardin dans l'Hotel des Invalides
Well, here I sit, in the gardens just in the lea of the Hotel des Invalides, where the Army museum lies and Napoleon's tomb looms over me, leaving me in the shadows of the glorious dead master, Napoleon and his militaristic achievements. It's about 60 degrees, overcast with intermittent sun spots, and it's around 20 minutes before 2 in the afternoon.
Yet despite all this grandeur, this scene that would make others, (and hell, MYSELF, as of 4 months ago) incredibly jealous, for all the glory that it holds, I have to say--- I'm not ecstatic to be here. I mean, I'm not utterly miserable (though my mother might say different) and by no means would my being here be a mistake, but if I'm honest with myself and with everyone around me, I'm just not that enamored with this lifestyle. Maybe I'm burnt out, because I haven't been home in over two months. Maybe I'm just sick of Paris and need a new place to be in. Maybe it's because all of my friends and classmates that I know have left me alone for two weeks. Maybe it's the fact that I'm a stranger in a strange land, and while I speak the language (what I consider) fluently, I just don't seem to fit in correctly. Or maybe it has to do with me being ridiculously young and inexperienced, living on my own, in a completely foreign country very far from home. I mean honestly, I'm only 18. Do I really have the pre-frontal cortex needed to make myself okay with this voyage of forever? Maybe, maybe not.
And really, it's just these next two weeks that are going to be like this, because it's only the next two weeks in which I'm completely alone here in Paris. After that I'm on a train to Lyon, to hopefully share an apartment with two other classmates and go to classes with 30 other people I know and my beloved professor. And after Lyon, i'm off to England, the place where i REALLY want to be, and while I'll be spending a bunch of time by myself there as well, I'll also be spending time with a friend, having someone to talk to and lead me around. Not only that, but I'll be in a country where things aren't quite so.... different.
Don't get me wrong, i'm not incapable of having a good time. Just last night, I went out to this amazing Jazz bar in Montmartre, a really old and 'independently local' district, and had a delicious non-alcoholic drink with two complete strangers whom I just met in the lobby of my Hostel. And last night, I was feeling really good about my stay here, thinking that I'll be able to tackle on the world of France, and come out on top.
However, I seem to be affected by what the Japanese call the "Paris Affect," in which you have incredibly high highs, and just and incredulous low lows. (OMG, I LOVE FRANCE, I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE, EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL! and the following, Why am I here, why did I decide to leave for so long? Who actually likes all this food? Why can't I get a decent meal around, I miss the consumer culture...)
It's actually a documented disorder according to the Japanese medical system. Now they mention heavy symptoms are delusions and the like. I can't actually say I've had any delusions, but I can say that I have this roller coaster system of love/hate relationship to Paris, and am physically incapable of sleeping well. I haven't had a decent nights sleep since I left the States. Of course, that may have a lot to do with my general 'debbie downer' attitude.
I'm also premenstrual this week, which only serves to make things worse, as well as financial worries- how much can I spend on food, if I have to pay this much later for a train? How much will it cost for me to find a bed, if I decide I don't need to shower for two weeks, etc. All stressants that only serve to make things more complicated.
Really, it's all in the attitude, and I know this well. Sometimes I manage to pull off either an "I can do this" attitude, or at the least, an "It'll be okay, if you're just apathetic enough" attitude. But that too is exhausting.
Needless to say, I'm incredibly homesick, lonely, and tired. But for god's sake, iI'm in PARIS. What the hell is wrong with me?
Alright, had my rant. I'm off to see about finding some food and maybe a plug in for the laptop. Wish me luck. If you're a praying person, I'd appreciate a prayer. I may not believe in them myself, but if you do, then it certainly can't hurt or harm. Hopefully my ridiculous Monty Python music and newly bought TruBlood series will help.
Yet despite all this grandeur, this scene that would make others, (and hell, MYSELF, as of 4 months ago) incredibly jealous, for all the glory that it holds, I have to say--- I'm not ecstatic to be here. I mean, I'm not utterly miserable (though my mother might say different) and by no means would my being here be a mistake, but if I'm honest with myself and with everyone around me, I'm just not that enamored with this lifestyle. Maybe I'm burnt out, because I haven't been home in over two months. Maybe I'm just sick of Paris and need a new place to be in. Maybe it's because all of my friends and classmates that I know have left me alone for two weeks. Maybe it's the fact that I'm a stranger in a strange land, and while I speak the language (what I consider) fluently, I just don't seem to fit in correctly. Or maybe it has to do with me being ridiculously young and inexperienced, living on my own, in a completely foreign country very far from home. I mean honestly, I'm only 18. Do I really have the pre-frontal cortex needed to make myself okay with this voyage of forever? Maybe, maybe not.
And really, it's just these next two weeks that are going to be like this, because it's only the next two weeks in which I'm completely alone here in Paris. After that I'm on a train to Lyon, to hopefully share an apartment with two other classmates and go to classes with 30 other people I know and my beloved professor. And after Lyon, i'm off to England, the place where i REALLY want to be, and while I'll be spending a bunch of time by myself there as well, I'll also be spending time with a friend, having someone to talk to and lead me around. Not only that, but I'll be in a country where things aren't quite so.... different.
Don't get me wrong, i'm not incapable of having a good time. Just last night, I went out to this amazing Jazz bar in Montmartre, a really old and 'independently local' district, and had a delicious non-alcoholic drink with two complete strangers whom I just met in the lobby of my Hostel. And last night, I was feeling really good about my stay here, thinking that I'll be able to tackle on the world of France, and come out on top.
However, I seem to be affected by what the Japanese call the "Paris Affect," in which you have incredibly high highs, and just and incredulous low lows. (OMG, I LOVE FRANCE, I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE, EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL! and the following, Why am I here, why did I decide to leave for so long? Who actually likes all this food? Why can't I get a decent meal around, I miss the consumer culture...)
It's actually a documented disorder according to the Japanese medical system. Now they mention heavy symptoms are delusions and the like. I can't actually say I've had any delusions, but I can say that I have this roller coaster system of love/hate relationship to Paris, and am physically incapable of sleeping well. I haven't had a decent nights sleep since I left the States. Of course, that may have a lot to do with my general 'debbie downer' attitude.
I'm also premenstrual this week, which only serves to make things worse, as well as financial worries- how much can I spend on food, if I have to pay this much later for a train? How much will it cost for me to find a bed, if I decide I don't need to shower for two weeks, etc. All stressants that only serve to make things more complicated.
Really, it's all in the attitude, and I know this well. Sometimes I manage to pull off either an "I can do this" attitude, or at the least, an "It'll be okay, if you're just apathetic enough" attitude. But that too is exhausting.
Needless to say, I'm incredibly homesick, lonely, and tired. But for god's sake, iI'm in PARIS. What the hell is wrong with me?
Alright, had my rant. I'm off to see about finding some food and maybe a plug in for the laptop. Wish me luck. If you're a praying person, I'd appreciate a prayer. I may not believe in them myself, but if you do, then it certainly can't hurt or harm. Hopefully my ridiculous Monty Python music and newly bought TruBlood series will help.