A fork in the running path
My running isn't really running as we have known running. My first couple of intervals are barely a jog--more of a careful shuffle some days. They are stiff and uncomfortable. (I stop if it's the crumpling kind of pain.) By the last couple, I sometimes feel like I'm running, but I'm also pretty sure (since I was chicked yesterday) that it's still really slow in reality. It just feels like running. It doesn't necessarily have the same results. So I decided "no" on races for a while. I don't want people's eyes on me. I don't want running to be about anything except me finding a way to be myself. That's complicated enough at this moment.
But then Adam, my hard-to-read keep-everything-at-arm's-length kid, who has gotten apathetic about trombone and piano and didn't make the basketball team and does fine in school but doesn't get really excited about any of it, asked if we could run the Holiday Lights 5K on Saturday. He might have been remembering back to when we did it a few years ago as a family and walked it with a few other HES families. Or maybe he wants to run. I don't know. We can't do it as a family thing because G has yet another birthday party. She is my child in high demand. (She had her first "swim meet" last night, which is another long story.) So it's me and him. Doug suggested I sign up two since the money's going to a good cause. He, of course, doesn't care if I run or walk or sit in the gym waiting for Adam, but it's made me come to an odd crossroads. Do I walk/run and say to hell with the eyes that will see me acting semi-crippled at worst and really not impressive at best? Do I see if I can actually run the whole 5K? Or do I just claim myself (to myself) a person on a lovely walk supporting her son? All of the options are fine with the rest of the world, of course, but I cannot decide how to handle it for myself.
Either way, I'm glad Adam took the initiative to see something he wanted to do, not something we or a coach or teacher told him do, and asked to do it. I miss my sweet little boy. It feels much more scary to have a preteen with his heart in his own chest where I don't have access to it.
But then Adam, my hard-to-read keep-everything-at-arm's-length kid, who has gotten apathetic about trombone and piano and didn't make the basketball team and does fine in school but doesn't get really excited about any of it, asked if we could run the Holiday Lights 5K on Saturday. He might have been remembering back to when we did it a few years ago as a family and walked it with a few other HES families. Or maybe he wants to run. I don't know. We can't do it as a family thing because G has yet another birthday party. She is my child in high demand. (She had her first "swim meet" last night, which is another long story.) So it's me and him. Doug suggested I sign up two since the money's going to a good cause. He, of course, doesn't care if I run or walk or sit in the gym waiting for Adam, but it's made me come to an odd crossroads. Do I walk/run and say to hell with the eyes that will see me acting semi-crippled at worst and really not impressive at best? Do I see if I can actually run the whole 5K? Or do I just claim myself (to myself) a person on a lovely walk supporting her son? All of the options are fine with the rest of the world, of course, but I cannot decide how to handle it for myself.
Either way, I'm glad Adam took the initiative to see something he wanted to do, not something we or a coach or teacher told him do, and asked to do it. I miss my sweet little boy. It feels much more scary to have a preteen with his heart in his own chest where I don't have access to it.