Greed and Asceticism
It's probably human nature to always want more, but I feel--and have felt for years--that I have this particular flaw worse than others. It may be just that no one, including me, talks about it much. I want more pizza. I want more chocolate. I want more wine. I want more popcorn. I want more summer nights. I want more pens. I want to go further and further on vacation. I don't want to turn around when I run or bike (or I wouldn't if I wasn't in lots of pain.) Even when I am most delighted and satisfied, I am still not quite satisfied.
I don't like this thing about me. I don't think the problem is that I don't appreciate what I have. I actually I think I am also better than most--and again, maybe it's just because people don't talk about their heart of hearts--at deeply enjoying the food in my mouth, the pen in my hand, the particular fog rising from the field to the trees. It's just that I enjoy it so much I want to enjoy it again. I have not mastered wabi sabi. I want the same thing back even as it is only just beginning to slip away. I want very much to be a person who can say, "Yes. This," and in the midst of that reverence allow it to be only itself and allow it to go where all good things go and trust that another good something will also emerge from wherever good things come from.
My horrible understanding of myself is this: I am better at complete denial than I am at moderation. It's easier to avoid altogether than it is to just have a little and then walk away.
I don't like this thing about me. I don't think the problem is that I don't appreciate what I have. I actually I think I am also better than most--and again, maybe it's just because people don't talk about their heart of hearts--at deeply enjoying the food in my mouth, the pen in my hand, the particular fog rising from the field to the trees. It's just that I enjoy it so much I want to enjoy it again. I have not mastered wabi sabi. I want the same thing back even as it is only just beginning to slip away. I want very much to be a person who can say, "Yes. This," and in the midst of that reverence allow it to be only itself and allow it to go where all good things go and trust that another good something will also emerge from wherever good things come from.
My horrible understanding of myself is this: I am better at complete denial than I am at moderation. It's easier to avoid altogether than it is to just have a little and then walk away.