low
on the 19th, it will be 2 months since my mom died.
i hate every day.
i really thought i was ok in the beginning. i thought i had come to terms with it and that i was alright with what happened but i guess that isn't the case.
i feel like i'm falling apart.
everything reminds me of her.
songs, smells, places, people, books, tv shows, bands, clothes, colors, flowers....everything.
i can't focus, school sucks, work is eh, i've distanced myself from everyone...
i've been planning on going to get counseling because i don't know how to deal with all this, but every time i think about talking to someone about it, i just don't feel like it's going to help. what are they gonna tell me?
"it's gonna be ok. she's in a better place now."
how the hell do you know where she is?
have you been there?
have you seen it?
who even knows what happens after you die?
definitely not me.
i think that's what's bothering me most about this whole experience...the unknown. will i ever see my mom again? i won't know until i die. and that scares me. cuz what if that's just the end? so many questions, so little convincing answers...
i'm sure if i believed in something that this whole thing would be a lot easier, but poor little agnostic girl doesn't know what she believes. can't take a stand on either side so i'm stuck in the middle wondering what's going to happen to me, or anyone.
but i'm not going to cling to some religion for the sake of being comforted by some hope that my mom is chilling in heaven.
cuz what if she was going to hell? that's not comforting at all.
even if i did believe in heaven and hell, i wouldn't know which she would go to. she was "spiritual" but not the church-going type...i guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
maybe i should try counseling anyway, i don't know.
i just needed somewhere to vent. i don't know who i'm expecting to read this or if i'm expecting any kind of response but support is always nice. if you believe in anything, pray for me. if you don't, keep me in your thoughts, i need all the help i can get. i don't care whose god it comes from.
-cara
i hate every day.
i really thought i was ok in the beginning. i thought i had come to terms with it and that i was alright with what happened but i guess that isn't the case.
i feel like i'm falling apart.
everything reminds me of her.
songs, smells, places, people, books, tv shows, bands, clothes, colors, flowers....everything.
i can't focus, school sucks, work is eh, i've distanced myself from everyone...
i've been planning on going to get counseling because i don't know how to deal with all this, but every time i think about talking to someone about it, i just don't feel like it's going to help. what are they gonna tell me?
"it's gonna be ok. she's in a better place now."
how the hell do you know where she is?
have you been there?
have you seen it?
who even knows what happens after you die?
definitely not me.
i think that's what's bothering me most about this whole experience...the unknown. will i ever see my mom again? i won't know until i die. and that scares me. cuz what if that's just the end? so many questions, so little convincing answers...
i'm sure if i believed in something that this whole thing would be a lot easier, but poor little agnostic girl doesn't know what she believes. can't take a stand on either side so i'm stuck in the middle wondering what's going to happen to me, or anyone.
but i'm not going to cling to some religion for the sake of being comforted by some hope that my mom is chilling in heaven.
cuz what if she was going to hell? that's not comforting at all.
even if i did believe in heaven and hell, i wouldn't know which she would go to. she was "spiritual" but not the church-going type...i guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
maybe i should try counseling anyway, i don't know.
i just needed somewhere to vent. i don't know who i'm expecting to read this or if i'm expecting any kind of response but support is always nice. if you believe in anything, pray for me. if you don't, keep me in your thoughts, i need all the help i can get. i don't care whose god it comes from.
-cara