(no subject)
So it was all going good until this past monday.
I think I was just coming to the point where I NEEDED to know what was going on. And if i even had a possibility of something else. I know that at one point he meant the things he said, and that what he shared with me was authentic, but it's really egoistic of his part to believe to think that only he understands ... or that nobody else would understand some of the things he has gone through. Goodness, ... I wouldn't be able to shut myself off that way. I know i know... people go through their shit in different ways, all I wanted him to know was that I was there, and that yes.. he was taking me for granted. I know I'm not that great or whatever, but I know that I can be there if anything else. I will always want the best for him, even if it isn't me in the end, shit, i know it probably wouldn't even be that at all.
I loved him, it's true, but come Tuesday it hit me like a rock that I can only be one thing to him and that i have to set my feelings aside not only for me but for him as well. If he wants me as his friend then so be it. I won't put myself on the line anymore, because it seems that every time I do that someone just pushes it away and says .. "not now alma, i'm busy"
I also came into terms that I can't stand waiting forever, no matter how much I would want to. I have to move forward as well. I can't be that 'stingy' with myself. No puedo dejar de vivir mi vida. I have to move forward too, I can't stay in one time period, it would be fair to myself. I have to live... cause I know I would regret it if I stay.... I know I would then blame people... when I know it was my own fault to begin with. I shouldn't have put myself in this predicament. But at least I am understanding it.... going through with it ... is hard, but it has to be done.
I cried with my mom yesterday, but I also prayed with her, that things will turn out better, that he could possibly help me find myself .. because at this point I think I need something other than the people here... than the material aspects of life... I need faith.
I think I was just coming to the point where I NEEDED to know what was going on. And if i even had a possibility of something else. I know that at one point he meant the things he said, and that what he shared with me was authentic, but it's really egoistic of his part to believe to think that only he understands ... or that nobody else would understand some of the things he has gone through. Goodness, ... I wouldn't be able to shut myself off that way. I know i know... people go through their shit in different ways, all I wanted him to know was that I was there, and that yes.. he was taking me for granted. I know I'm not that great or whatever, but I know that I can be there if anything else. I will always want the best for him, even if it isn't me in the end, shit, i know it probably wouldn't even be that at all.
I loved him, it's true, but come Tuesday it hit me like a rock that I can only be one thing to him and that i have to set my feelings aside not only for me but for him as well. If he wants me as his friend then so be it. I won't put myself on the line anymore, because it seems that every time I do that someone just pushes it away and says .. "not now alma, i'm busy"
I also came into terms that I can't stand waiting forever, no matter how much I would want to. I have to move forward as well. I can't be that 'stingy' with myself. No puedo dejar de vivir mi vida. I have to move forward too, I can't stay in one time period, it would be fair to myself. I have to live... cause I know I would regret it if I stay.... I know I would then blame people... when I know it was my own fault to begin with. I shouldn't have put myself in this predicament. But at least I am understanding it.... going through with it ... is hard, but it has to be done.
I cried with my mom yesterday, but I also prayed with her, that things will turn out better, that he could possibly help me find myself .. because at this point I think I need something other than the people here... than the material aspects of life... I need faith.