the body breaks
Virginia was what I needed. I'm so glad I went and I'm sorry to have had to return. Life just seems to move much more slowly down there, but it was such a wonderful little getaway from the hassle of living in new york. I got to see Lauren, she looks healthy and happy and her life is slowly but surely coming together. That really makes me feel good, that after everything we've been through together, one of us is going to definitely be okay. I got to meet Lauren's boyfriend John, too. He is a really great guy and treats Lauren wonderfully. I hope they remain together because I couldn't picture anyone better for Lauren. Getting to spend 4 days with an amazing couple really made me think about my own relationship and about my own future and what I want it to become. I didn't quite walk away with the gust of wind I had hoped for to propel me into motivation, and into life again, but I am fondly reassured about one of my closest friends and through her dreams and goals and successes and happiness I hope I can live vicariously, knowing that her life will be wonderful.
I still am so unsure of myself, and I still feel unmotivated and despondent. I still wish i could curl up and evaporate, but my heart is a little bit lighter now that I have gotten to see Lauren, and her mother as well. Jeanine is a great mother, she really is. I wish she were my mother. She offered to let me come live with her and she would take care of me like a real mother is supposed to. Not like a money hungry business woman who treats her daughter like some grandiose investment that needs to pull through. That's all I am to my mom which is certainly unfortunate because I would love to have the kind of relationship that Lauren and Jeanine have, it is so wonderful. Anyway, I told Jeanine that maybe one day I'd take her up on that offer. When life here gets so bothersome that I can't take it anymore.
It's weird being back in reality now, I took a plane this morning and didnt get any time to unwind. Just went straight home then straight back out to class. No time to let reality set back it, get back into the swing of dealing with shit and not just lying around eating pizza and watching scrubs and going shopping all day. I'm so incredibly tired. tired. tired.
On another note: the last day of classes is wednesday and I couldn't be more relieved for a semester to come to an end. This semester was so terrible, I really hope I can get my shit together and do better next semester. hope being the keyword there....
I still am so unsure of myself, and I still feel unmotivated and despondent. I still wish i could curl up and evaporate, but my heart is a little bit lighter now that I have gotten to see Lauren, and her mother as well. Jeanine is a great mother, she really is. I wish she were my mother. She offered to let me come live with her and she would take care of me like a real mother is supposed to. Not like a money hungry business woman who treats her daughter like some grandiose investment that needs to pull through. That's all I am to my mom which is certainly unfortunate because I would love to have the kind of relationship that Lauren and Jeanine have, it is so wonderful. Anyway, I told Jeanine that maybe one day I'd take her up on that offer. When life here gets so bothersome that I can't take it anymore.
It's weird being back in reality now, I took a plane this morning and didnt get any time to unwind. Just went straight home then straight back out to class. No time to let reality set back it, get back into the swing of dealing with shit and not just lying around eating pizza and watching scrubs and going shopping all day. I'm so incredibly tired. tired. tired.
On another note: the last day of classes is wednesday and I couldn't be more relieved for a semester to come to an end. This semester was so terrible, I really hope I can get my shit together and do better next semester. hope being the keyword there....