Captain Will's Review of Twilight
Ladies and gentlemen, I haven't done a movie review in quite some time, but most of you know that my reviews always turn into a huge rant filled with curses that would make a sailor blush.
I will not deny you that now.
However, I want to take a moment to remind you all of something that is important to me. Some of you may remember an animated show from the early 90's called The Critic. It starred Jay Sherman, voiced by John Lovitz, a movie critic that would constantly belch out "It stinks!" whenever he screened a film (usually a spoof of a current blockbuster). Well it is not secret to some of you that this is one of my favorite shows of all time, I own the complete series, and watch it all the way through at least once a year. Jay Sherman was, and still is, one of my heroes, especially when it comes to movies.
In one particular episode entitled Eyes on the Prize, Jay gave a speech that I thought was quite profound when I first heard it, and now that I am older, I see even more truth in it. Sadly, I tried to find a clip of this speech, but the best I could do was the last third of the particular episode. However, I did find a transcript, and I want you to take a moment to read it:
"I am a movie critic by trade and until recently, I got paid to tell you people which movies merely stink and which ones you shouldn’t screen near an open flame. Well, I’m putting the burden of lousy movie back on you. It’s very simple: if you stop going to bad movies, they’ll stop making bad movies. If the movie used to be a TV show, just don’t go. After Roman numeral II, give it a rest. If the movie is a remake of a classic, rent the classic. Tell them you want stories about people, not a hundred million dollars of stunts and explosives. People, it’s up to you. If the movie stinks, just don’t go."
How simple is that, yet how true? If we stop going to bad movies, bad movies will not be made.
Well tonight I was subjected to a horrible film. Truly horrible!
While Twilight was not the worst film I've ever had to sit through, it's still pretty damn bad. And yes, folks, I did laugh. I even got caught, but I'll get to that in a moment.
I'm not going to give you a plot summary here, that's what Wikipedia is fore. However I will give you a blow by blow account of every awful aspect of this movie. When I finally blow my stack, you'll know it.
The film opens with Bella, or Emorella, who's going to go live with her dad to give her mom and stepdad some time to travel. When she arrives at her new home in Washington State, reality immediately falls apart on her first day of school. Whoever wrote this damn screenplay has obviously never, ever, ever had to move to a new school in their entire lives. Everyone likes her immediately! She becomes popular the first day! Everyone is helpful! As a former Army Brat, I knew by this time that this was going to be a long two hours
Not only is everyone nice, she's going to Children of the Corn High School, where everyone is just like everyone else, save the "vampires," and there are only two personality dynamics at play: people are either extremely friendly or extremely reserved. I know horseshit when I smell it, and I was starting to get a whiff or two by this point.
Oh! I almost forgot! The "vampires" have formed a little family that hates Indians! No, I'm not kidding, they hate Indians, and Indians hate them too. I don't know what the fuck is up with that, but I'll tell you one thing, you can find that one out for yourself because I'm done. Anyway, this "vampire" family is like the Brady Bunch from Hell. None of them are really related, they're all dying patients of Dr. Weaselface, head of the household, who he gave the "vampire venom" to save their lives. Now they live in this nice house in the woods with no beds in which they all get along and support the love interest, Edward (or Cave Boy, and I call him, more later), and his pursuit of Bella. They don't care if she knows, their just too happy to make her dinner in a kitchen they've never used because they're "vegetarian vampires" who only drink the blood of animals. I'm not kidding, folks, I half expected Dr. Weaselface to say, "Put on your Sunday best, kids! We're going to Sears!", or at least a chorus or two of "It's a Sunshine Day."
And do you know what this Perdition Partridge Family does for fun? They play baseball during a thunderstorm. You know what, this part of the movie actually amazed me. It wasn't the tired visual effects (more later), and it wasn't them running super fast or hitting the ball super long. I was amazed because I didn't think it was actually possible to make baseball look gay. I bet a gay baseball league wouldn't make the game look half as gay as this movie did. I mean, the pitches from one of the "vampire" girls started with a Rockettes-style high kick... every single fucking time! Leg straight out at chest level! Those cock gobblers!
You want to talk about cliches? Let's talk about fucking cliches! This shitty movie used cliches THAT WERE OUTDATED AND REDUNDANT BY THE INVENTION OF THE FUCKING TALKIE!!! I'm talking clunky ass dialogue, recycled shots, worn out "I love you" lines, and my favorite, they stole the Anakin/Padme rolling in the grass scene from Star Wars: Episode II, Attack of the Clones. The only fucking difference was that Cave Boy was sparkling! Fuck me in the ass with a harpoon, that alone was enough to give me cancer!
Oh but there's still the kicker, friends and neighbors. I haven't gotten to the acting yet. Oh ho, where to begin! Our lead boy, Cave Boy, shows only two facial expressions in the entire movie: severe nausea and extreme constipation. Those were the only two extremes the boy's face went through in the entire movie! I'm not kidding! Deep in thought- constipation. In love- gonna puke. Angry- constipation. Worried- gonna puke. Happy- constipation with nausea.
You think I'm over-reacting? Try me! The first kissing scene he had with Emorella, Count Gagula looked like he was about to pull a Stan Marsh and puke into the girl's mouth!
Yet it gets even worse! The rest of these shitty actors were using a time-honored soap opera acting technique commonly called "Smell-the-Fart Acting." Through the whole movie! Dad's concerned- smells a fart. Dr. Weazleface is pissed- smells a fart.
Bad "vampire" guy is tracking his prey- smells a fart. Bella's intrigued- smells a fucking fart! The whole damn movie!
And you want to talk about dialogue? This movie is easily quotable, because every other sentence starts with "Um" or "Uh" or a stammer. It seriously looks like Children of the Corn High School needs a damn good speech teacher for these fuckers! Seriously, if you took out all the "Ums" and "Uhs", and the several unnecessary and lengthy pauses between them and the actual lines, the movie would probably be only about an hour and fifteen minutes! And the stammering, my sweet dick the stammering! When Emorella is in her hospital bed, she stammers so much she looks like she's having a fucking seizure! Everyone in this damn town has a fucking horrible speach impediment! Either these actors need to learn their fucking lines better, or this dolphin fucking douche of a director needs to learn how to edit a fucking roll of film!
For all of you out there wondering, yes, I did it. When Count Douche was about to walk into the light, I leaned over to Mom and said in my best gay lisp "Oh no! He's gonna sparkle!" And yes, it was just loud enough for the people next to and behind my mother to hear. I believe you owe me a bar, Piper my friend.
Now we get to, in my opinion, the best part of the whole movie. You see, folks, though I did survive, I still got in trouble. Want the story? I know you do!
It's at the beginning of the film, Emorella is having lunch, there's a pathetic buildup, and in walks Edward the Cave Boy.
All around me, girls start to squeal with delight. Middle aged women start to cheer. There wasn't a seat in the house, and everyone except those of us with masculine attitudes, and ladies who are mature enough to know it's a fucking movie, was squealing in extacy. And in this cacophony, there arose a single sound, one that somehow climbed above the cheers and swoons, and traveled just far enough to get me in trouble...
It was the sound of my laughter.
All of this buildup, all of the posters, all of the television trailers had not prepared me fully for what this douche looked like on the big screen. He looked constipated, with ridiculously puckered lips, and a cro-magnon brow upon which apparently two very dark and angry caterpillars were doing battle for control of his forehead.
I laughed my ass off.
Mom is sitting to my port, and Nona to my starboard. Mom is trying not to laugh, because she's where I get my sick sense of humor from. Nona is glaring at me. And on the other side of Nona is her friend from work, who I will give the alias of Lisa. I suddenly hear the following, to my horror:
Lisa-- Is he laughing at my Edward?
Nona-- Yes!
Lisa-- He's really laughing at my Edward!?
Nona-- He sure is!
Lisa (to me)-- Don't laugh at him!
That's right, I might have gotten away with it, it was a crowded theater, but Nona fucking snitched on me! She ratted me out! My own girlfriend, whom I love dearly, is a stooley! Because of her, I'm a dead man, and we're only 20 minutes into this shitfest!
And, naturally, this only makes me laugh more. But can you blame me? The whole thing was absurd to begin with!
So the rest of this testicle-wrenching feat of cinematic date-rape unfolds, I'm trying to chuckle quietly while Mom is trying not to join me, and failing miserably. Finally, after passing at least five logical ending points for the movie, the credits roll, the lights come up, and Lisa leans in front of Nona to look me in the eye.
Lisa-- I can not (note the two words, hers, not mine) believe you were laughing at Edward!
Me-- I'm sorry, madam, but that was just funny.
Lisa-- It wasn't funny! He's my boyfriend!
Me-- (snicker) I'm so terribly sorry.
Lisa (while flogging my leg)-- You're just jealous because you know he's the perfect man, and you want to be like him!
Me (laughing by now)-- You just keep telling yourself that, madam!
Now let me point out the, I don't know if irony is the word but I'm gonna use it anyway, irony of her argument. Lisa is a mother in her 40's. Cave Boy, though technically over 100 years old, was transformed when he was 17. This makes him perpetually 17 for the rest of eternity. So Lisa is lusting after, for all intents and purposes, a minor, which the law calls being a pedophile.
So I get up, walk out of the theater, use the head, and am heading outside to smoke, when Nona catches me, the fucking stool pigeon... and she's with her other friend... ah hell, I'll just call her Brooke because this isn't incriminating.
Nona-- Thank you so much for coming to the movie with me.
Me-- Yeah, yeah.
Nona-- I'll give you some later!
Me-- OH NO! No no no! Not after that shitfest! Not only are you not getting any, I just may take some back!
Brooke-- (explodes with laughter)
Twilight, how can I best sum it up? Ah hell, I know one who can do it much better than I can.
Take us out, Jay!
I will not deny you that now.
However, I want to take a moment to remind you all of something that is important to me. Some of you may remember an animated show from the early 90's called The Critic. It starred Jay Sherman, voiced by John Lovitz, a movie critic that would constantly belch out "It stinks!" whenever he screened a film (usually a spoof of a current blockbuster). Well it is not secret to some of you that this is one of my favorite shows of all time, I own the complete series, and watch it all the way through at least once a year. Jay Sherman was, and still is, one of my heroes, especially when it comes to movies.
In one particular episode entitled Eyes on the Prize, Jay gave a speech that I thought was quite profound when I first heard it, and now that I am older, I see even more truth in it. Sadly, I tried to find a clip of this speech, but the best I could do was the last third of the particular episode. However, I did find a transcript, and I want you to take a moment to read it:
"I am a movie critic by trade and until recently, I got paid to tell you people which movies merely stink and which ones you shouldn’t screen near an open flame. Well, I’m putting the burden of lousy movie back on you. It’s very simple: if you stop going to bad movies, they’ll stop making bad movies. If the movie used to be a TV show, just don’t go. After Roman numeral II, give it a rest. If the movie is a remake of a classic, rent the classic. Tell them you want stories about people, not a hundred million dollars of stunts and explosives. People, it’s up to you. If the movie stinks, just don’t go."
How simple is that, yet how true? If we stop going to bad movies, bad movies will not be made.
Well tonight I was subjected to a horrible film. Truly horrible!
While Twilight was not the worst film I've ever had to sit through, it's still pretty damn bad. And yes, folks, I did laugh. I even got caught, but I'll get to that in a moment.
I'm not going to give you a plot summary here, that's what Wikipedia is fore. However I will give you a blow by blow account of every awful aspect of this movie. When I finally blow my stack, you'll know it.
The film opens with Bella, or Emorella, who's going to go live with her dad to give her mom and stepdad some time to travel. When she arrives at her new home in Washington State, reality immediately falls apart on her first day of school. Whoever wrote this damn screenplay has obviously never, ever, ever had to move to a new school in their entire lives. Everyone likes her immediately! She becomes popular the first day! Everyone is helpful! As a former Army Brat, I knew by this time that this was going to be a long two hours
Not only is everyone nice, she's going to Children of the Corn High School, where everyone is just like everyone else, save the "vampires," and there are only two personality dynamics at play: people are either extremely friendly or extremely reserved. I know horseshit when I smell it, and I was starting to get a whiff or two by this point.
Oh! I almost forgot! The "vampires" have formed a little family that hates Indians! No, I'm not kidding, they hate Indians, and Indians hate them too. I don't know what the fuck is up with that, but I'll tell you one thing, you can find that one out for yourself because I'm done. Anyway, this "vampire" family is like the Brady Bunch from Hell. None of them are really related, they're all dying patients of Dr. Weaselface, head of the household, who he gave the "vampire venom" to save their lives. Now they live in this nice house in the woods with no beds in which they all get along and support the love interest, Edward (or Cave Boy, and I call him, more later), and his pursuit of Bella. They don't care if she knows, their just too happy to make her dinner in a kitchen they've never used because they're "vegetarian vampires" who only drink the blood of animals. I'm not kidding, folks, I half expected Dr. Weaselface to say, "Put on your Sunday best, kids! We're going to Sears!", or at least a chorus or two of "It's a Sunshine Day."
And do you know what this Perdition Partridge Family does for fun? They play baseball during a thunderstorm. You know what, this part of the movie actually amazed me. It wasn't the tired visual effects (more later), and it wasn't them running super fast or hitting the ball super long. I was amazed because I didn't think it was actually possible to make baseball look gay. I bet a gay baseball league wouldn't make the game look half as gay as this movie did. I mean, the pitches from one of the "vampire" girls started with a Rockettes-style high kick... every single fucking time! Leg straight out at chest level! Those cock gobblers!
You want to talk about cliches? Let's talk about fucking cliches! This shitty movie used cliches THAT WERE OUTDATED AND REDUNDANT BY THE INVENTION OF THE FUCKING TALKIE!!! I'm talking clunky ass dialogue, recycled shots, worn out "I love you" lines, and my favorite, they stole the Anakin/Padme rolling in the grass scene from Star Wars: Episode II, Attack of the Clones. The only fucking difference was that Cave Boy was sparkling! Fuck me in the ass with a harpoon, that alone was enough to give me cancer!
Oh but there's still the kicker, friends and neighbors. I haven't gotten to the acting yet. Oh ho, where to begin! Our lead boy, Cave Boy, shows only two facial expressions in the entire movie: severe nausea and extreme constipation. Those were the only two extremes the boy's face went through in the entire movie! I'm not kidding! Deep in thought- constipation. In love- gonna puke. Angry- constipation. Worried- gonna puke. Happy- constipation with nausea.
You think I'm over-reacting? Try me! The first kissing scene he had with Emorella, Count Gagula looked like he was about to pull a Stan Marsh and puke into the girl's mouth!
Yet it gets even worse! The rest of these shitty actors were using a time-honored soap opera acting technique commonly called "Smell-the-Fart Acting." Through the whole movie! Dad's concerned- smells a fart. Dr. Weazleface is pissed- smells a fart.
Bad "vampire" guy is tracking his prey- smells a fart. Bella's intrigued- smells a fucking fart! The whole damn movie!
And you want to talk about dialogue? This movie is easily quotable, because every other sentence starts with "Um" or "Uh" or a stammer. It seriously looks like Children of the Corn High School needs a damn good speech teacher for these fuckers! Seriously, if you took out all the "Ums" and "Uhs", and the several unnecessary and lengthy pauses between them and the actual lines, the movie would probably be only about an hour and fifteen minutes! And the stammering, my sweet dick the stammering! When Emorella is in her hospital bed, she stammers so much she looks like she's having a fucking seizure! Everyone in this damn town has a fucking horrible speach impediment! Either these actors need to learn their fucking lines better, or this dolphin fucking douche of a director needs to learn how to edit a fucking roll of film!
For all of you out there wondering, yes, I did it. When Count Douche was about to walk into the light, I leaned over to Mom and said in my best gay lisp "Oh no! He's gonna sparkle!" And yes, it was just loud enough for the people next to and behind my mother to hear. I believe you owe me a bar, Piper my friend.
Now we get to, in my opinion, the best part of the whole movie. You see, folks, though I did survive, I still got in trouble. Want the story? I know you do!
It's at the beginning of the film, Emorella is having lunch, there's a pathetic buildup, and in walks Edward the Cave Boy.
All around me, girls start to squeal with delight. Middle aged women start to cheer. There wasn't a seat in the house, and everyone except those of us with masculine attitudes, and ladies who are mature enough to know it's a fucking movie, was squealing in extacy. And in this cacophony, there arose a single sound, one that somehow climbed above the cheers and swoons, and traveled just far enough to get me in trouble...
It was the sound of my laughter.
All of this buildup, all of the posters, all of the television trailers had not prepared me fully for what this douche looked like on the big screen. He looked constipated, with ridiculously puckered lips, and a cro-magnon brow upon which apparently two very dark and angry caterpillars were doing battle for control of his forehead.
I laughed my ass off.
Mom is sitting to my port, and Nona to my starboard. Mom is trying not to laugh, because she's where I get my sick sense of humor from. Nona is glaring at me. And on the other side of Nona is her friend from work, who I will give the alias of Lisa. I suddenly hear the following, to my horror:
Lisa-- Is he laughing at my Edward?
Nona-- Yes!
Lisa-- He's really laughing at my Edward!?
Nona-- He sure is!
Lisa (to me)-- Don't laugh at him!
That's right, I might have gotten away with it, it was a crowded theater, but Nona fucking snitched on me! She ratted me out! My own girlfriend, whom I love dearly, is a stooley! Because of her, I'm a dead man, and we're only 20 minutes into this shitfest!
And, naturally, this only makes me laugh more. But can you blame me? The whole thing was absurd to begin with!
So the rest of this testicle-wrenching feat of cinematic date-rape unfolds, I'm trying to chuckle quietly while Mom is trying not to join me, and failing miserably. Finally, after passing at least five logical ending points for the movie, the credits roll, the lights come up, and Lisa leans in front of Nona to look me in the eye.
Lisa-- I can not (note the two words, hers, not mine) believe you were laughing at Edward!
Me-- I'm sorry, madam, but that was just funny.
Lisa-- It wasn't funny! He's my boyfriend!
Me-- (snicker) I'm so terribly sorry.
Lisa (while flogging my leg)-- You're just jealous because you know he's the perfect man, and you want to be like him!
Me (laughing by now)-- You just keep telling yourself that, madam!
Now let me point out the, I don't know if irony is the word but I'm gonna use it anyway, irony of her argument. Lisa is a mother in her 40's. Cave Boy, though technically over 100 years old, was transformed when he was 17. This makes him perpetually 17 for the rest of eternity. So Lisa is lusting after, for all intents and purposes, a minor, which the law calls being a pedophile.
So I get up, walk out of the theater, use the head, and am heading outside to smoke, when Nona catches me, the fucking stool pigeon... and she's with her other friend... ah hell, I'll just call her Brooke because this isn't incriminating.
Nona-- Thank you so much for coming to the movie with me.
Me-- Yeah, yeah.
Nona-- I'll give you some later!
Me-- OH NO! No no no! Not after that shitfest! Not only are you not getting any, I just may take some back!
Brooke-- (explodes with laughter)
Twilight, how can I best sum it up? Ah hell, I know one who can do it much better than I can.
Take us out, Jay!
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