Drag Me Down Ch. 17-20 (S/B)
Title: Drag Me Down
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They aren't mine; Joss is God.
Buffy is still reeling from seeing Spike and Anya together, but the Trio doesn't give her the chance to catch her breath. When the Trios' plan backfires, Buffy and Spike are catapulted back in time, and must face their own demons, and find a way to get back. Set Post Entropy and Mid-Seeing Red, Season 6.
As always beta-less drafts so the errors are all mine!!
Miss a chapter? Story starts here.
Chapter 17
“Love? Maybe that’s what you call it Slayer.”
Her courage has dissipated. He was spiteful and angry, and maybe it had registered that she’d basically just admitted that she loved him, but he was past the point where is even made sense.
“You went back in the past and had a nice shag with me because I was going to be your bed toy anymore.”
*Bed toy…that’s what he’d called himself in the past*
“It hasn’t has never been love that’s driven you to me, we both know it.” His mocking smile left cold chills in its wake. “Is that what you told him it was, bleedin’ love? Were you tryin’ to make amends by offerin’ yourself? He took it by the looks of you, and then shoved in back in your pretty face.”
He didn’t sound remorseful or surprised by the actions of his previous self. His conscious appreciation of the satisfaction the other had taken by turning her words against her cause the hair on her arms to stand up. He wasn’t infuriated because had given herself to him, his anger stemmed from her attempt to make reparation by using sex to lull him into a state of awe.
She had seen the admiration upon the other Spike’s face as he was buried in her warmth. She was so thick-headed; try as she might to make him understand, all she had succeeded in doing was showing him she could be beaten.
“He told me he could never love this version of me. Knowing from the start that I wasn’t the Buffy from his time made no difference. I think for a few moments he actually did believe I was her, and he enjoyed it; for a moment he loved me. He said he could never love a weak Buffy, and that he loved her because she was strong. She didn’t want him, would never give in which would equal giving up, and would never be pathetic enough to love him.”
There was nothing left to lose, and nothing that could make the situation any worse. She was admitting her love for a vampire who she had spent years disparaging and trying unsuccessfully to kill. The basis for her entire existence was a mockery because of the three tiny words she wanted to utter to him. She could hardly grasp it herself that this was about to happen.
Angel had been a vampire, and admitting her love for him had been difficult at first. The adjustment to her love for her enemy was lessened considering Angel had a soul; his purpose was no longer death and destruction, but peace and salvation. She never despised Angel for his past indiscretions because she had viewed him as a separate entity from Angelus.
She saw now that the division of Angelus and Angel was a weakness; his delusion that the alter-ego was not him was ignorance. Spike had no soul, and had evolved into a demon who could independently make the decision to do good. Chip or no chip he was never Angelus; his appreciation for life was evident in his truce to preserve the world with her so many years before.
“I never realized it till just now what and who you are. Not so long ago I told you that you were a monster not a man, but I was wrong, you are both. You are a man with a monster inside you all of the time, but you choose not to act upon its desires.” She shook her head, and laughed. “I always though admitting my feelings for you would make me seem weak and wrong. I just never knew you felt the same way. I know now how stupid and inconsiderate I’ve been, and it doesn’t make things right. One ‘I love you’ doesn’t change years of abuse, just like saving one life doesn’t make up for years of torture and death.”
She stood and tossed his duster to the floor; she didn’t shy away from her nakedness but flaunted it in desperation. “So here I am Spike, vulnerable and unwilling to hide anymore. It can’t get any worse. I’ve already died twice, killed one boyfriend, and pushed away two others. I’ve let my friends down, and I’ve been selfish. There is nothing left for me to hide from. If you can’t love me like this, then don’t love me at all.”
The ultimatum had been issued; freedom was at last at his fingertips. No more Slayer, no more pain and longing. He could walk away now and she would let him go, and he would have finally won. Leaving her exposed and humiliated would be his ultimate conquest. Even death was not parallel to this. She would live her life knowing he left her behind because she was inadequate, unlovable.
“I do love you strength, and it still bloody amazes me how you always bounce back. But weak Slayer? Never weak; you are greater because of this, and I was sodding brainless to ever let you think otherwise.” His steps forward were slow and deliberate; all his displeasure forgotten. “You’ve given up everything to show me who you really are, and although I’ll never bloody understand why, you love me.” The last words were uttered in disbelief. He said them, but it still didn’t sound real. The Slayer loved him.
“Buffy-“
“Spike-“
It was the paramount movie moment; they came together en masse. She could almost hear the epic soundtrack seeping into the moment as enveloped her in his arms. It was finally time; no holds barred. There was no disgrace or worry, just emotion.
Lips, tongues, skin, heat; they were no longer two people enjoying each other, they were one. The franticness always present in their intimacy was no longer an issue; they had each other, and nothing but time.
Slick with sweat they moved together, their moans of pleasure echoing throughout the crypt. The bond of their gaze never faltered; each time in plunged into the sweet warmth her eyes glowed brighter.
“Buffy…love…”
“Fill me Spike…make me whole again…”
***
The seriousness radiated throughout the room; the fear of defeat loomed over the heads of all present in the room. So much loss had already been accumulated over the years, and even though it seemed the future was doomed the air was calm.
“So here's the part where you make a choice: What if you could have that power...now? In every generation, one slayer is born... because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. This woman is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule. I say my power should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the scythe to change our destiny.”
Chapter 18
Her fingertips traced his cold pale skin. She pressed light feathery kisses to his stomach. Her tongue flicked his navel, and he shuddered. She moved lower, and laid her head on his pelvis. Parting her lips she blew a hot breath against his cock and smiled when it twitched in response.
Her tongue darted out laying soft wet marks on his hard skin. He groaned, and his finger splayed in her hair. Closing her eyes she breathed in his scent, and felt another wave of wetness build between her legs. She glanced up at Spike when he let out a mild growl; he smell her arousal, and he surveyed her with hungry eyes. The corner of her mouth lifted into a small smile, and she licked her lips provokingly.
Dipping her head down she let her hair glide across his skin, her hand slid down over his stomach and her fingers wrapped around his smooth skin. His prick jumped her hand, and she squeezed back in a silent hello. Lightly she let her hand slide up his shaft, her warm skin barely touching his, and she could feel him quiver. Her tongue traced drew a moist line from the base of his cock up to the head. Spike reached down and pushed her hair to the side, tucking it behind her ear.
“So bleedin’ beautiful,” he murmured.
Her hand slid back down to the base of his cock, and she parted her lips, taking position above his dripping head. She took one last long look at Spike’s passion filled face, and plunged forward with reckless abandonment. Letting a long stream of air out her nose, she let her mouth glide down his prick. His hardness filled her mouth, and she swallowed as his head hit the back of her throat.
The tips of her fingers aggressively squeezed the base of his cock moving up and down on the bare skin still exposed to the air. Pulling her head back up she let her teeth slide gently against his sensitive skin and she heard him draw in a quick breath.
Drawing her mouth open wider she slammed back down on him, ignoring the impulsion to gag. Her mouth sucked against his hardness as it moved up and down with vigorous thrusts. If she could have smiled, she would have at the sound of the breathless gasps escaping his lips. Not needing to breath didn’t stop him from letting her know how much pleasure she was giving him.
She felt his body tense between his touch, and she knew he was trying to hold back. In one long motion she slid her mouth up his cock and sat straight up, licking her lips. A low rumbled sound from his lips and he dragged her up his body settling her poised above his shaft. Her thighs spread; she hovered centimeters above his pulsing cock. He squeezed her hips, and she smiled seductively at him. Drawing hand down between her breasts she let it dip down below her stomach. Her fingers slid through her curls, and pressed into her soaked lips. He snarled and pulled her down penetrating her with one thrust.
Her eyes flew open and she moaned. She began to grind against him, squeezing every inch of his throbbing cock. She sat up wrapping his arms around her waist pulling her down harder, and him in deeper. His lips inched their way down her neck, leaving a moist trail on her skin. She clasped his shoulders and hauled him closer.
“Bite me,” she breathed into his ear, and he stilled.
“No.”
She continued to move against his prick, but drew back and met his intense stare.
“Bite me Spike.”
“No luv won’t do that,” she heard the anguish in his voice and knew how much of a struggle it was for him to refuse her offer.
“I trust you.”
He faltered; and she saw specks of gold flicker through his eyes.
“I love you Spike.”
His features slid into his game face, and she smiled. Taking one hand from his shoulder she laid her hand on one side of his face. His eyes told her he was still unsure, and she leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his bumpy forehead.
She closed her eyes and beared-down on his cock, and he let out another growl. She felt the cool skin of his face against her neck as he nuzzled her. Tilting her head to the side she moved against him, emitting small whimpers of pleasure. He began pressing light kisses to her neck, and she bit her lip as she battled not to tense up.
She was terrified; although Dracula’s bite hadn’t been completely unpleasant she knew it was because of the thrall. But Angel…Angel had not been gentle as he had sucked the life from her. She remembered the pain, and the fear as her body had slowly begun to die.
She believed fully that Spike would not hurt her, that this could be an act of pleasure and not just pain. But the Slayer inside her was screaming how wrong it was. In one quick motion Spike thrust up into her, and his fangs sank into her neck.
Her orgasm was instantaneous; the pain melted into pleasure and her body jerked as licked the blood from her neck. He drank softly, and she moaned. Spike lifted his head from her neck and let out a roar as his seed shot into her body. Wrapping her arms around his neck she drew him to her. He laid his head on her shoulder, and licked the wound on her soft skin clean.
He rubbed the back of her head gently as he could feel her entire body shaking. Pulling his head up he glanced worriedly down at her head which was pressed into his shoulder.
“Buffy, luv I’m sorry.” She felt the pain in his voice and lifted her head. Although her eyes were full of tears a bright smiled graced her face.
“That was beautiful,” she whispered.
“Oh luv…” he murmured and kissed her softly. He rolled suddenly, pinning her beneath him.
“Tell me you love me.” His voice was raw with emotion as he stared down at her flushed face.
“I love you.”
“Tell me you want me.”
“I always want you, silly vampire.”
He grinned at her, and raised an eyebrow. “Don’t get cheeky.”
Her laugh echoed throughout the crypt and she squirmed beneath him.
“My legs are falling asleep.”
“Can’t have that now can we?” He rolled to the side, and she sat up and looked down at him, his head resting on his hand.
“Do you think we’re home?”
He sighed. “’S’ probably better if we don’t assume that; bloody Rupert and the witch buggered it up before.”
“Where did you get sent?”
His mouth lifted in a smile, and his tongue peaked out from between his teeth. “Got to see the look on Captain Cardboard’s face when you told him you were getting married to me.”
Her mouth opened in a small O, and he laughed at her face.
“S’ too bad he didn’t know who I was then, would have been all the more fun. What about you pet?”
Her face fell. “Somewhere not so nice.”
“I was there, couldn’t have been too bad.”
She avoided his curious eyes. “I don’t know want to talk about it; it was bad enough the first two times I had to live through it.”
“Come on now Slayer, fairs fair; I told you.”
“Last year, when you showed me how you killed the other Slayers.”
His face tightened, and she scooted away from him and began to put her clothes back on. “I was…I didn’t know…” she was babbling, and doing her best not to look at him.
She felt his presence behind her, and his arms slid around her waist.
“That’s why it’s the past luv, over and done with. Not meant to go back and relive it.”
She whipped around. “You never deserved that; was I really that terrible? God…and you are still here after what I said.”
He smoothed her hair back. “Don’t pet, I’m the ‘Big Bad’ remember? Don’t get that name from being all soft.”
He felt her body relax. “We should go and figure out where the bloody hell we are luv.”
“OK.” Her voice was soft, and he could tell she was still thinking about what had happened in the past. He let her go, and began putting his clothes on.
“It’ll be fine pet,” and she knew he meant more than just their chaotic trip through time.
***
“Where is everyone,” Buffy had her faced pressed against the window and was peering into the foray.
“Looks like everyone’s asleep pet.”
“Yeah, well we’re going in.”
“Slayer…”
“Oh shut up Spike, if we’re home then it won’t matter, and if we’re in the wrong time…I’ll just make something up, pretend I’m the other Buffy.”
He shrugged. “Whatever you say.”
They slipped through the front door, and Buffy froze. There were girls in sleeping bags scattered all over the living room.
“This isn’t right,” she looked at him with worried eyes.
They reached the top of the stairs, and paused outside Willow and Tara’s room. They could hear the moans, and Buffy blushed.
“Seems like everything’s normal in there,” Spike snorted.
Buffy slapped him playfully on the arm, and moved to her room. She cracked the door open and stifled a gasp.
“Faith,” she whispered her eyes going wide. “Spike…I don’t like this.”
He peered in the door and raised an eyebrow. “If their shagging in your bed, where are you?’
She shook her head vehemently. “We shouldn’t be here…shouldn’t be seeing this.”
Spike had the same suspicion as Buffy, but wasn’t ready to voice it yet. The padded quietly down the stairs. “Where else is there left to look luv?”
Buffy turned, and stopped in front of the door leading to the basement.
The basement was dark, and quiet. Buffy almost breathed a sigh of relief when Spike stopped suddenly on the stairs, and she ran into him.
“What?” she hissed.
He didn’t respond.
Buffy ducked her head, and peered under the slant of the ceiling from the steps.
“Oh.”
It was them.
Chapter 19
They were caught.
Unable to tear their gazes away from the living picture of themselves snuggled together on the small cot, they stood and stared. They continued to stare, until the step that Buffy was standing on let out a creak which echoed throughout the dim basement. The other Spike’s eyes snapped open and sought them out. Buffy watched as his grip on the other Buffy tightened, and then her eyes flew open as well.
No one moved.
The uncomfortable silence stretched for what seemed like hours. Then Buffy shifted, and the stair creaked again breaking the moment. The pair on the cot jumped to their feet to stare at each other. Something was spoken neither Buffy nor Spike could make it out, and the other Spike’s laugh filled the room. Buffy’s mouth dropped open as her counterpart launched herself into her Spike’s arms. Buffy blushed and turned her head away as they kissed, and she felt Spike’s hand on her arm as he grinned down at her.
“Come on luv,” he whispered and they made their way down the stairs. Buffy and Spike faced their replicas and a group examination began.
The appearance of her other disturbed her; she was thin, much thinner than herself. Dark shadows graced her pale skin; obviously things were tough in this time, and Buffy wasn’t sure she wanted to know what. There was a gleam in the other Buffy’s eyes that gave her hope. Despite the obvious stress that consumer her, the green eyes shown with happiness.
She let her eyes wander over to the other Spike. He looked good, very content and almost…peaceful. There was something…she couldn’t quite place what is was, that was different about him. It was evident not only in his eyes but in his stance.
“I…” Buffy started.
“Spike-“
“I’ll go wake Rupert.”
The other Buffy smiled comfortingly at the pair as the other Spike bounded up the stairs. “Where are you from?” she asked gently, but Buffy’s curiosity was piqued by the amusement in her double’s eyes.
Buffy explained quickly their ordeal, and the other Buffy was still smiling when she finished.
“Where are we?” Spike asked.
The other smiled. “It’s probably better if you don’t know; God knows we don’t want to mess anything up. Giles is going to have a fit as it is.” The Buffy’s grinned unexpectedly at each other in a knowing way.
Buffy felt Spike’s fingers slide through hers, and he squeezed her hand. She squeezed back, and the other Buffy’s smile grew.
“Let’s go upstairs.”
***
There was only a small group of them gathered around the kitchen table; Giles, Willow, the other Buffy and Spike, and them. A few small candles were lit, but for the most part everything was shrouded in darkness.
Buffy almost giggled, as Giles cleaned his glasses. Obviously something things never changed.
“I honestly am at a loss for words; I thought we had put this time travel mess behind us.” He sighed.
“I don’t want to state the obvious, but I’m guessing we’re in the future. Which is probably why we don’t remember any of this? So, we have to make it back to our time right? Because otherwise we wouldn’t exist in this time, we’d still be floating around in the past?” Buffy made her statement a question and glanced around for someone to answer.
“Better be the last bloody time Rupert,” Spike mumbled.
The other Buffy and Spike burst out laughing, and everyone stared at them curiously.
“Nothing, inside joke,” she mumbled, but their eyes met again and they both smiled.
“So you can send us back right? You kept the spell from the last time right?” Buffy was anxious. Being in this time made her nervous; there was something not right with the whole situation. The air was heavy with tension despite the light mood of the couple in front of her. Something big was about to happen, even if she was from the past she could feel it.
“Willow?” the other Buffy’s eyes prodded the witch gently, and Willow nodded in response. “We’ve got everything here.”
“Right then, and how is this going to be different from the last two sodding times?”
“I think that we made an error assuming the spell could be done from anywhere.” Willow paused at the confused expressions. “I mean, we did it, and we weren’t with you. I did the spell the first two times, and you two were somewhere else…right?” She looked at Giles for conformation.
He nodded. “I think perhaps the closer proximity you are to the origin of the spell, the better chance you will return to your own time.”
“Right then, lets go this show on the road ducks,” Spike directed his comment to Willow.
Giles and Willow left the room, but paused in the hallway.
“They need to forget Willow.”
Her eyes widened. “Wait, forget everything? But Giles…”
“They can’t know the future Willow.” He voice was solid and tough.
“But who knows what they went through in the past? I don’t think its fair…”
“We don’t have another option Willow; we need to set this straight once and for all.”
Willow’s eyes gleamed as Giles walked away.
*Oh, but maybe there is another way*
Behind the edge of the doorframe Buffy frowned.
***
They were back in the basement. Spike and Buffy stood side by side in the middle of a chalk drawn circle on the floor. Spike raised an eyebrow at Willow.
She caught his look. “It’s just for protection, wasn’t part of the original spell.”
Buffy hadn’t let go of Spike’s had, and was squeezing it painfully hard now.
“Ease up Slayer, M’ not going anywhere.” He grinned down at her.
“Spike, just in case…”
He silenced her with a kiss, and broke away from her when someone coughed. “We’ll be alright luv, we’ll be back together and everything will be alright.”
She leaned close and whispered hurriedly in his ear as Willow began to chant. “No matter what they do, I won’t forget Spike, I promise, I won’t forget that I love you.”
His eyes widened in understanding, and he dragged her body to his.
“Qui futurus in a regnum incompertus sibimet,
Tribuo lemma pacis of mens quod permissum lemma reverto,
Unus somes , unus mens una vices
Permissum monumentum exsisto tamen somnium
dea tribuo lemma templum.”
Willow’s eyes went dark and the ground began to shake. Buffy closed her eyes and pressed her head into Spike’s chest. “I love you, I love you, I love you…” she whispered over and over again.
She had heard Giles and Willow talking about making them forget, and she couldn’t believe they would do that. She was terrified she’d go back to being in denial, and treating Spike like garbage. She had learned so much about herself during the time spent in the past, and the possibility of not remembering the moments they had shared, it scared her.
She continued to repeat words in hopes she would still be repeating them in her own time.
“I love you-“ she exhaled and the bright light consumed them both, and then she saw only darkness. Her last conscious action was to flinch as the loud “BANG” echoed through her mind.
Chapter 20
Once a dream did weave a shade
O’er my Angel-guarded bed,
That an emmet lost its way
Where on grass methought I lay.
Troubled, ‘wilder’d, and forlorn,
Dark, benighted, travel-worn,
Over many a tangled spray,
All heart-broke I heard her say:
‘O, my children! Do they cry?
Do they hear their father sigh?
Now they look abroad to see:
Now return to weep for me.’
Pitying, I dropp’d a tear;
But I saw a glow-worm near,
Who replied: ‘What wailing wight
Calls the watchman of the night?
‘I am set to light the ground,
While the beetle goes his round:
Follow now the beetle’s hum;
Little wandered, hie thee home.’
-William Blake-A Dream
*Oh God, they’ve teleported us to a dimension where nothing exists*
She was too frightened to move; darkness surrounded her, and threatened to suffocate her. She couldn’t tell if her eyes were open, or still closed. Then abruptly as the fear had come it vanished; she was lying on a bed. She sat up and clutched her head, swallowing back a wave of dizziness. She fumbled in the darkness, and then suddenly, light flooded the room. She sighed and slouched back onto the bed staring at the lamp beside her bed.
She slowly got to her feet, and her body began to quake uncontrollably. She clutched her head again and keeled over as the floor beneath her became unsteady. She fell to her knees and began to cry.
She remembered the cemetery, the trio and the flashy light thingy, but instead vivid memories of her and Spike’s trip through time she recalled herself beating the crap out of the trio, ending with Andrew and Jonathan in jail and Warren on the loose. She had come home and gone straight to bed.
She cried harder.
The incident, with Spike…it had all been a dream. The past situations, the turmoil and grief and even the glimpse into the future were fading. She had told him she loved him, and that wasn’t real either.
It was a sharp blow to the pit of her stomach; bitter disappointment weighed her down.
*None of it had been real*
The thought continued to echo her mind. She didn’t understand, they’d been gone weeks, there was no way it was just a dream. At the same time she knew, without a doubt it had been a dream. The details of their adventure were beginning to blur, and although she could recall most of the major events, the smaller things were beginning to evaporate.
She wanted to crawl back between her sheets and try to capture and strands still left of the dream. All that time wishing they were back home, and now all she wanted to do was submerge herself back into that world.
Hugging her knees she tried to calm her tears, but thinking about Spike…just made her cry harder. All the ground they’d covered, wiped away. She had dreamed about saying those words to him, and she had even dreamed treating him like crap. It was almost funny, but not quite.
She pushed back against the bed propping herself up, and then settling on the edge. How could she face him now? What would she say?
*Do I still love him?*
That was a good question.
***
He was drunk; no he was more than drunk he was…
“Bloody hell!”
There was a shattering as he threw the empty bottle of whiskey against the wall.
His dreams were plaguing him; couldn’t get the sodding bitch out of his head, even when he was fast asleep. So he did what he always did, he drank the memories away.
This dream had hit him hard; though he always dreamed about her, this one had been different. His usual dreams put to shame most of the porn making its way across the Internet; always about her, always about sex. He just always assumed he only dreamed about fucking her because he knew that’s all it would ever be between them; he was always thankful they were that way. It was easier waking up from a night of raunchy shagging than to the bitter reality that those heart-warming fantasies were just that, fantasies.
This dream…bloody hell. He shivered, and unscrewed the cap to a full bottle of Jack Daniels and took a deep swallow.
She had been so warm, so…so different from any resemblance of the Buffy he knew. This was the dream he had always dreaded having; the one that gave him hope, and shattered his will completely upon awakening.
He wiped tears from his eyes that had begun to build and swore.
*Wanker*
The real world wasn’t sugar-coated. Buffy despised him, and wanted basically nothing to do with him, not anymore. He stood and began pacing, and a thought hit him.
*Maybe this is what you needed mate, a wakeup call*
He knew nothing would ever change between him and Buffy; at their best moments, the pair were still terrible to each other. Maybe getting past the denial was the first step, and the second would be to leave, for good.
***
Leaning over the tub Buffy sighed. She was so tired; her body was weary and her mind… Just the thought of seeing Spike again made her heart leap, but at the same time made her want to curl up in a ball and cry. He would be the same, cruel and spiteful vampire he had been a few hours earlier.
The water began to spurt out and she let one hand test the temperature before letting out another long sigh.
“You hurt? You're not moving so well.”
She stiffened instantly.
*Oh God, what was he doing here now, in her bathroom?*
Straightening she adjusted her expression, shifting into one of calm indifference and turned to face him.
“Get out.”
*God, be more of a bitch why don’t you?*
Spike ignored her and stepped in the small room, closing the door behind him.
“We have to talk.”
Buffy’s shield of disdain almost crumbled as she stared at him, almost. She swallowed back the desire and longing and looked away. “I really don’t.”
“Well, this isn't just about you...as much you'd like it to be.” His tone was condescending.
She leaned back over the tub squeezing her eyes shut try to push the tears back. It was so hard, looking at him, and knowing he wasn’t the same man from her dream. She wanted to run to him, apologize, and just make everything ok. But this was the real world, and that, would never happen.
“You spoke. I listened. Now leave.” She couldn’t take it; his presence tickled her senses, and she was anything but calm. She hadn’t been ready to face him so soon.
*Face him? It was a DREAM you idiot*
“I'm sorry. Not that it matters any more, but I needed you to know that.”
*Sorry for sleeping with Anya, sorry for not telling you everyday how perfect you are, sorry for pushing you away, sorry for not being able to be the man you deserve.*
The remnants of his dream lingered in the back of his mind as he watched her. When he had entered the bathroom, and she hadn’t physically thrown him out there was a spark of hope. Maybe…just maybe it had been real; maybe…maybe she did love him. But this girl in front of him was cold and angry; this was no dream, this was life.
“Why?” Her voice was soft, and she tried to conceal the desperation in it.
“Because I care about you.”
“Then you might want to try the not sleeping with my friends.” She mentally slapped herself as soon as the words came out; the strands of bitterness from his betrayal still lingered in her mind. She hadn’t wanted it to be like this, she still had the opportunity to fix things. The realization that “they” needed some serious work hadn’t changed; it was just the direction of their relationship she was unclear about.
“I didn't go to Anya for that. I was looking for a spell.”
Her temper flared. “You were going to use a spell on me?”
Then his demeanor changed; a frantic look flashed across his face. “It wasn't for you! I wanted something. Anything to make these feelings stop, I just wanted it to stop!”
The pain in his voice ripped her apart. He looked so hurt and vulnerable. A flashback to her dream hit her; him kneeling on the sidewalk in tears, clutching blood money between his fingers. She had done it again, broken him.
“You should have let him kill me.”
She shook her head. “I couldn’t do that.”
“Why?”
“You know why.” She avoided his intense stare.
*You do, oh you do know Spike; just believe it.*
“Because you love me.” He said his confidently, and the words echoed throughout the small space.
She hesitated, this was her chance. Her chance to redeem herself and to make that dream a reality.
*You’ve already said it twice, say it again…say it again*
“I have feelings for you, I do…”
*Chicken*
Her mind was screaming at her; Spike couldn’t see the inner turmoil that was rampaging through her. How she wanted to tell him, but…
“…but it’s not love.”
He rolled his eyes and laughed wickedly moving closer.
“Great love is wild ... and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes.”
“Until there’s nothing left; love like that doesn’t last.” She whispered. Everything she’d been through had taught her that; there was almost pain, grief, and eventually lonliness. She knew it all too well.
He was getting frantic, pacing the room almost dangerously. “I know you feel like I do. You don't have to hide it anymore.” He was raging inside, the dream was clashing with reality, and the lines were blurred. He wanted so much for to admit she cared, admit she loved him. Nothing mattered at this point, he would make her say it, and he would show her how much she really did love him.
A tiny feeling of caution flittered through her brain. Something wasn’t right, and she was started to get a little worried where this conversation would lead them.
“Spike, please stop this.” She whispered.
He stepped forward and grasped her hard by the waist. “Let yourself feel it.”
He was raging inside, the dream was clashing with reality, and the lines were blurred. He wanted so much for to admit she cared, admit she loved him. Nothing mattered at this point, he would make her say it, and he would show her how much she really did love him, no matter what the cost.
A/N: Dialogue taken from S7 "Chosen" and S6 "Seeing Red"
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They aren't mine; Joss is God.
Buffy is still reeling from seeing Spike and Anya together, but the Trio doesn't give her the chance to catch her breath. When the Trios' plan backfires, Buffy and Spike are catapulted back in time, and must face their own demons, and find a way to get back. Set Post Entropy and Mid-Seeing Red, Season 6.
As always beta-less drafts so the errors are all mine!!
Miss a chapter? Story starts here.
Chapter 17
“Love? Maybe that’s what you call it Slayer.”
Her courage has dissipated. He was spiteful and angry, and maybe it had registered that she’d basically just admitted that she loved him, but he was past the point where is even made sense.
“You went back in the past and had a nice shag with me because I was going to be your bed toy anymore.”
*Bed toy…that’s what he’d called himself in the past*
“It hasn’t has never been love that’s driven you to me, we both know it.” His mocking smile left cold chills in its wake. “Is that what you told him it was, bleedin’ love? Were you tryin’ to make amends by offerin’ yourself? He took it by the looks of you, and then shoved in back in your pretty face.”
He didn’t sound remorseful or surprised by the actions of his previous self. His conscious appreciation of the satisfaction the other had taken by turning her words against her cause the hair on her arms to stand up. He wasn’t infuriated because had given herself to him, his anger stemmed from her attempt to make reparation by using sex to lull him into a state of awe.
She had seen the admiration upon the other Spike’s face as he was buried in her warmth. She was so thick-headed; try as she might to make him understand, all she had succeeded in doing was showing him she could be beaten.
“He told me he could never love this version of me. Knowing from the start that I wasn’t the Buffy from his time made no difference. I think for a few moments he actually did believe I was her, and he enjoyed it; for a moment he loved me. He said he could never love a weak Buffy, and that he loved her because she was strong. She didn’t want him, would never give in which would equal giving up, and would never be pathetic enough to love him.”
There was nothing left to lose, and nothing that could make the situation any worse. She was admitting her love for a vampire who she had spent years disparaging and trying unsuccessfully to kill. The basis for her entire existence was a mockery because of the three tiny words she wanted to utter to him. She could hardly grasp it herself that this was about to happen.
Angel had been a vampire, and admitting her love for him had been difficult at first. The adjustment to her love for her enemy was lessened considering Angel had a soul; his purpose was no longer death and destruction, but peace and salvation. She never despised Angel for his past indiscretions because she had viewed him as a separate entity from Angelus.
She saw now that the division of Angelus and Angel was a weakness; his delusion that the alter-ego was not him was ignorance. Spike had no soul, and had evolved into a demon who could independently make the decision to do good. Chip or no chip he was never Angelus; his appreciation for life was evident in his truce to preserve the world with her so many years before.
“I never realized it till just now what and who you are. Not so long ago I told you that you were a monster not a man, but I was wrong, you are both. You are a man with a monster inside you all of the time, but you choose not to act upon its desires.” She shook her head, and laughed. “I always though admitting my feelings for you would make me seem weak and wrong. I just never knew you felt the same way. I know now how stupid and inconsiderate I’ve been, and it doesn’t make things right. One ‘I love you’ doesn’t change years of abuse, just like saving one life doesn’t make up for years of torture and death.”
She stood and tossed his duster to the floor; she didn’t shy away from her nakedness but flaunted it in desperation. “So here I am Spike, vulnerable and unwilling to hide anymore. It can’t get any worse. I’ve already died twice, killed one boyfriend, and pushed away two others. I’ve let my friends down, and I’ve been selfish. There is nothing left for me to hide from. If you can’t love me like this, then don’t love me at all.”
The ultimatum had been issued; freedom was at last at his fingertips. No more Slayer, no more pain and longing. He could walk away now and she would let him go, and he would have finally won. Leaving her exposed and humiliated would be his ultimate conquest. Even death was not parallel to this. She would live her life knowing he left her behind because she was inadequate, unlovable.
“I do love you strength, and it still bloody amazes me how you always bounce back. But weak Slayer? Never weak; you are greater because of this, and I was sodding brainless to ever let you think otherwise.” His steps forward were slow and deliberate; all his displeasure forgotten. “You’ve given up everything to show me who you really are, and although I’ll never bloody understand why, you love me.” The last words were uttered in disbelief. He said them, but it still didn’t sound real. The Slayer loved him.
“Buffy-“
“Spike-“
It was the paramount movie moment; they came together en masse. She could almost hear the epic soundtrack seeping into the moment as enveloped her in his arms. It was finally time; no holds barred. There was no disgrace or worry, just emotion.
Lips, tongues, skin, heat; they were no longer two people enjoying each other, they were one. The franticness always present in their intimacy was no longer an issue; they had each other, and nothing but time.
Slick with sweat they moved together, their moans of pleasure echoing throughout the crypt. The bond of their gaze never faltered; each time in plunged into the sweet warmth her eyes glowed brighter.
“Buffy…love…”
“Fill me Spike…make me whole again…”
***
The seriousness radiated throughout the room; the fear of defeat loomed over the heads of all present in the room. So much loss had already been accumulated over the years, and even though it seemed the future was doomed the air was calm.
“So here's the part where you make a choice: What if you could have that power...now? In every generation, one slayer is born... because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. This woman is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule. I say my power should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the scythe to change our destiny.”
Chapter 18
Her fingertips traced his cold pale skin. She pressed light feathery kisses to his stomach. Her tongue flicked his navel, and he shuddered. She moved lower, and laid her head on his pelvis. Parting her lips she blew a hot breath against his cock and smiled when it twitched in response.
Her tongue darted out laying soft wet marks on his hard skin. He groaned, and his finger splayed in her hair. Closing her eyes she breathed in his scent, and felt another wave of wetness build between her legs. She glanced up at Spike when he let out a mild growl; he smell her arousal, and he surveyed her with hungry eyes. The corner of her mouth lifted into a small smile, and she licked her lips provokingly.
Dipping her head down she let her hair glide across his skin, her hand slid down over his stomach and her fingers wrapped around his smooth skin. His prick jumped her hand, and she squeezed back in a silent hello. Lightly she let her hand slide up his shaft, her warm skin barely touching his, and she could feel him quiver. Her tongue traced drew a moist line from the base of his cock up to the head. Spike reached down and pushed her hair to the side, tucking it behind her ear.
“So bleedin’ beautiful,” he murmured.
Her hand slid back down to the base of his cock, and she parted her lips, taking position above his dripping head. She took one last long look at Spike’s passion filled face, and plunged forward with reckless abandonment. Letting a long stream of air out her nose, she let her mouth glide down his prick. His hardness filled her mouth, and she swallowed as his head hit the back of her throat.
The tips of her fingers aggressively squeezed the base of his cock moving up and down on the bare skin still exposed to the air. Pulling her head back up she let her teeth slide gently against his sensitive skin and she heard him draw in a quick breath.
Drawing her mouth open wider she slammed back down on him, ignoring the impulsion to gag. Her mouth sucked against his hardness as it moved up and down with vigorous thrusts. If she could have smiled, she would have at the sound of the breathless gasps escaping his lips. Not needing to breath didn’t stop him from letting her know how much pleasure she was giving him.
She felt his body tense between his touch, and she knew he was trying to hold back. In one long motion she slid her mouth up his cock and sat straight up, licking her lips. A low rumbled sound from his lips and he dragged her up his body settling her poised above his shaft. Her thighs spread; she hovered centimeters above his pulsing cock. He squeezed her hips, and she smiled seductively at him. Drawing hand down between her breasts she let it dip down below her stomach. Her fingers slid through her curls, and pressed into her soaked lips. He snarled and pulled her down penetrating her with one thrust.
Her eyes flew open and she moaned. She began to grind against him, squeezing every inch of his throbbing cock. She sat up wrapping his arms around her waist pulling her down harder, and him in deeper. His lips inched their way down her neck, leaving a moist trail on her skin. She clasped his shoulders and hauled him closer.
“Bite me,” she breathed into his ear, and he stilled.
“No.”
She continued to move against his prick, but drew back and met his intense stare.
“Bite me Spike.”
“No luv won’t do that,” she heard the anguish in his voice and knew how much of a struggle it was for him to refuse her offer.
“I trust you.”
He faltered; and she saw specks of gold flicker through his eyes.
“I love you Spike.”
His features slid into his game face, and she smiled. Taking one hand from his shoulder she laid her hand on one side of his face. His eyes told her he was still unsure, and she leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his bumpy forehead.
She closed her eyes and beared-down on his cock, and he let out another growl. She felt the cool skin of his face against her neck as he nuzzled her. Tilting her head to the side she moved against him, emitting small whimpers of pleasure. He began pressing light kisses to her neck, and she bit her lip as she battled not to tense up.
She was terrified; although Dracula’s bite hadn’t been completely unpleasant she knew it was because of the thrall. But Angel…Angel had not been gentle as he had sucked the life from her. She remembered the pain, and the fear as her body had slowly begun to die.
She believed fully that Spike would not hurt her, that this could be an act of pleasure and not just pain. But the Slayer inside her was screaming how wrong it was. In one quick motion Spike thrust up into her, and his fangs sank into her neck.
Her orgasm was instantaneous; the pain melted into pleasure and her body jerked as licked the blood from her neck. He drank softly, and she moaned. Spike lifted his head from her neck and let out a roar as his seed shot into her body. Wrapping her arms around his neck she drew him to her. He laid his head on her shoulder, and licked the wound on her soft skin clean.
He rubbed the back of her head gently as he could feel her entire body shaking. Pulling his head up he glanced worriedly down at her head which was pressed into his shoulder.
“Buffy, luv I’m sorry.” She felt the pain in his voice and lifted her head. Although her eyes were full of tears a bright smiled graced her face.
“That was beautiful,” she whispered.
“Oh luv…” he murmured and kissed her softly. He rolled suddenly, pinning her beneath him.
“Tell me you love me.” His voice was raw with emotion as he stared down at her flushed face.
“I love you.”
“Tell me you want me.”
“I always want you, silly vampire.”
He grinned at her, and raised an eyebrow. “Don’t get cheeky.”
Her laugh echoed throughout the crypt and she squirmed beneath him.
“My legs are falling asleep.”
“Can’t have that now can we?” He rolled to the side, and she sat up and looked down at him, his head resting on his hand.
“Do you think we’re home?”
He sighed. “’S’ probably better if we don’t assume that; bloody Rupert and the witch buggered it up before.”
“Where did you get sent?”
His mouth lifted in a smile, and his tongue peaked out from between his teeth. “Got to see the look on Captain Cardboard’s face when you told him you were getting married to me.”
Her mouth opened in a small O, and he laughed at her face.
“S’ too bad he didn’t know who I was then, would have been all the more fun. What about you pet?”
Her face fell. “Somewhere not so nice.”
“I was there, couldn’t have been too bad.”
She avoided his curious eyes. “I don’t know want to talk about it; it was bad enough the first two times I had to live through it.”
“Come on now Slayer, fairs fair; I told you.”
“Last year, when you showed me how you killed the other Slayers.”
His face tightened, and she scooted away from him and began to put her clothes back on. “I was…I didn’t know…” she was babbling, and doing her best not to look at him.
She felt his presence behind her, and his arms slid around her waist.
“That’s why it’s the past luv, over and done with. Not meant to go back and relive it.”
She whipped around. “You never deserved that; was I really that terrible? God…and you are still here after what I said.”
He smoothed her hair back. “Don’t pet, I’m the ‘Big Bad’ remember? Don’t get that name from being all soft.”
He felt her body relax. “We should go and figure out where the bloody hell we are luv.”
“OK.” Her voice was soft, and he could tell she was still thinking about what had happened in the past. He let her go, and began putting his clothes on.
“It’ll be fine pet,” and she knew he meant more than just their chaotic trip through time.
***
“Where is everyone,” Buffy had her faced pressed against the window and was peering into the foray.
“Looks like everyone’s asleep pet.”
“Yeah, well we’re going in.”
“Slayer…”
“Oh shut up Spike, if we’re home then it won’t matter, and if we’re in the wrong time…I’ll just make something up, pretend I’m the other Buffy.”
He shrugged. “Whatever you say.”
They slipped through the front door, and Buffy froze. There were girls in sleeping bags scattered all over the living room.
“This isn’t right,” she looked at him with worried eyes.
They reached the top of the stairs, and paused outside Willow and Tara’s room. They could hear the moans, and Buffy blushed.
“Seems like everything’s normal in there,” Spike snorted.
Buffy slapped him playfully on the arm, and moved to her room. She cracked the door open and stifled a gasp.
“Faith,” she whispered her eyes going wide. “Spike…I don’t like this.”
He peered in the door and raised an eyebrow. “If their shagging in your bed, where are you?’
She shook her head vehemently. “We shouldn’t be here…shouldn’t be seeing this.”
Spike had the same suspicion as Buffy, but wasn’t ready to voice it yet. The padded quietly down the stairs. “Where else is there left to look luv?”
Buffy turned, and stopped in front of the door leading to the basement.
The basement was dark, and quiet. Buffy almost breathed a sigh of relief when Spike stopped suddenly on the stairs, and she ran into him.
“What?” she hissed.
He didn’t respond.
Buffy ducked her head, and peered under the slant of the ceiling from the steps.
“Oh.”
It was them.
Chapter 19
They were caught.
Unable to tear their gazes away from the living picture of themselves snuggled together on the small cot, they stood and stared. They continued to stare, until the step that Buffy was standing on let out a creak which echoed throughout the dim basement. The other Spike’s eyes snapped open and sought them out. Buffy watched as his grip on the other Buffy tightened, and then her eyes flew open as well.
No one moved.
The uncomfortable silence stretched for what seemed like hours. Then Buffy shifted, and the stair creaked again breaking the moment. The pair on the cot jumped to their feet to stare at each other. Something was spoken neither Buffy nor Spike could make it out, and the other Spike’s laugh filled the room. Buffy’s mouth dropped open as her counterpart launched herself into her Spike’s arms. Buffy blushed and turned her head away as they kissed, and she felt Spike’s hand on her arm as he grinned down at her.
“Come on luv,” he whispered and they made their way down the stairs. Buffy and Spike faced their replicas and a group examination began.
The appearance of her other disturbed her; she was thin, much thinner than herself. Dark shadows graced her pale skin; obviously things were tough in this time, and Buffy wasn’t sure she wanted to know what. There was a gleam in the other Buffy’s eyes that gave her hope. Despite the obvious stress that consumer her, the green eyes shown with happiness.
She let her eyes wander over to the other Spike. He looked good, very content and almost…peaceful. There was something…she couldn’t quite place what is was, that was different about him. It was evident not only in his eyes but in his stance.
“I…” Buffy started.
“Spike-“
“I’ll go wake Rupert.”
The other Buffy smiled comfortingly at the pair as the other Spike bounded up the stairs. “Where are you from?” she asked gently, but Buffy’s curiosity was piqued by the amusement in her double’s eyes.
Buffy explained quickly their ordeal, and the other Buffy was still smiling when she finished.
“Where are we?” Spike asked.
The other smiled. “It’s probably better if you don’t know; God knows we don’t want to mess anything up. Giles is going to have a fit as it is.” The Buffy’s grinned unexpectedly at each other in a knowing way.
Buffy felt Spike’s fingers slide through hers, and he squeezed her hand. She squeezed back, and the other Buffy’s smile grew.
“Let’s go upstairs.”
***
There was only a small group of them gathered around the kitchen table; Giles, Willow, the other Buffy and Spike, and them. A few small candles were lit, but for the most part everything was shrouded in darkness.
Buffy almost giggled, as Giles cleaned his glasses. Obviously something things never changed.
“I honestly am at a loss for words; I thought we had put this time travel mess behind us.” He sighed.
“I don’t want to state the obvious, but I’m guessing we’re in the future. Which is probably why we don’t remember any of this? So, we have to make it back to our time right? Because otherwise we wouldn’t exist in this time, we’d still be floating around in the past?” Buffy made her statement a question and glanced around for someone to answer.
“Better be the last bloody time Rupert,” Spike mumbled.
The other Buffy and Spike burst out laughing, and everyone stared at them curiously.
“Nothing, inside joke,” she mumbled, but their eyes met again and they both smiled.
“So you can send us back right? You kept the spell from the last time right?” Buffy was anxious. Being in this time made her nervous; there was something not right with the whole situation. The air was heavy with tension despite the light mood of the couple in front of her. Something big was about to happen, even if she was from the past she could feel it.
“Willow?” the other Buffy’s eyes prodded the witch gently, and Willow nodded in response. “We’ve got everything here.”
“Right then, and how is this going to be different from the last two sodding times?”
“I think that we made an error assuming the spell could be done from anywhere.” Willow paused at the confused expressions. “I mean, we did it, and we weren’t with you. I did the spell the first two times, and you two were somewhere else…right?” She looked at Giles for conformation.
He nodded. “I think perhaps the closer proximity you are to the origin of the spell, the better chance you will return to your own time.”
“Right then, lets go this show on the road ducks,” Spike directed his comment to Willow.
Giles and Willow left the room, but paused in the hallway.
“They need to forget Willow.”
Her eyes widened. “Wait, forget everything? But Giles…”
“They can’t know the future Willow.” He voice was solid and tough.
“But who knows what they went through in the past? I don’t think its fair…”
“We don’t have another option Willow; we need to set this straight once and for all.”
Willow’s eyes gleamed as Giles walked away.
*Oh, but maybe there is another way*
Behind the edge of the doorframe Buffy frowned.
***
They were back in the basement. Spike and Buffy stood side by side in the middle of a chalk drawn circle on the floor. Spike raised an eyebrow at Willow.
She caught his look. “It’s just for protection, wasn’t part of the original spell.”
Buffy hadn’t let go of Spike’s had, and was squeezing it painfully hard now.
“Ease up Slayer, M’ not going anywhere.” He grinned down at her.
“Spike, just in case…”
He silenced her with a kiss, and broke away from her when someone coughed. “We’ll be alright luv, we’ll be back together and everything will be alright.”
She leaned close and whispered hurriedly in his ear as Willow began to chant. “No matter what they do, I won’t forget Spike, I promise, I won’t forget that I love you.”
His eyes widened in understanding, and he dragged her body to his.
“Qui futurus in a regnum incompertus sibimet,
Tribuo lemma pacis of mens quod permissum lemma reverto,
Unus somes , unus mens una vices
Permissum monumentum exsisto tamen somnium
dea tribuo lemma templum.”
Willow’s eyes went dark and the ground began to shake. Buffy closed her eyes and pressed her head into Spike’s chest. “I love you, I love you, I love you…” she whispered over and over again.
She had heard Giles and Willow talking about making them forget, and she couldn’t believe they would do that. She was terrified she’d go back to being in denial, and treating Spike like garbage. She had learned so much about herself during the time spent in the past, and the possibility of not remembering the moments they had shared, it scared her.
She continued to repeat words in hopes she would still be repeating them in her own time.
“I love you-“ she exhaled and the bright light consumed them both, and then she saw only darkness. Her last conscious action was to flinch as the loud “BANG” echoed through her mind.
Chapter 20
Once a dream did weave a shade
O’er my Angel-guarded bed,
That an emmet lost its way
Where on grass methought I lay.
Troubled, ‘wilder’d, and forlorn,
Dark, benighted, travel-worn,
Over many a tangled spray,
All heart-broke I heard her say:
‘O, my children! Do they cry?
Do they hear their father sigh?
Now they look abroad to see:
Now return to weep for me.’
Pitying, I dropp’d a tear;
But I saw a glow-worm near,
Who replied: ‘What wailing wight
Calls the watchman of the night?
‘I am set to light the ground,
While the beetle goes his round:
Follow now the beetle’s hum;
Little wandered, hie thee home.’
-William Blake-A Dream
*Oh God, they’ve teleported us to a dimension where nothing exists*
She was too frightened to move; darkness surrounded her, and threatened to suffocate her. She couldn’t tell if her eyes were open, or still closed. Then abruptly as the fear had come it vanished; she was lying on a bed. She sat up and clutched her head, swallowing back a wave of dizziness. She fumbled in the darkness, and then suddenly, light flooded the room. She sighed and slouched back onto the bed staring at the lamp beside her bed.
She slowly got to her feet, and her body began to quake uncontrollably. She clutched her head again and keeled over as the floor beneath her became unsteady. She fell to her knees and began to cry.
She remembered the cemetery, the trio and the flashy light thingy, but instead vivid memories of her and Spike’s trip through time she recalled herself beating the crap out of the trio, ending with Andrew and Jonathan in jail and Warren on the loose. She had come home and gone straight to bed.
She cried harder.
The incident, with Spike…it had all been a dream. The past situations, the turmoil and grief and even the glimpse into the future were fading. She had told him she loved him, and that wasn’t real either.
It was a sharp blow to the pit of her stomach; bitter disappointment weighed her down.
*None of it had been real*
The thought continued to echo her mind. She didn’t understand, they’d been gone weeks, there was no way it was just a dream. At the same time she knew, without a doubt it had been a dream. The details of their adventure were beginning to blur, and although she could recall most of the major events, the smaller things were beginning to evaporate.
She wanted to crawl back between her sheets and try to capture and strands still left of the dream. All that time wishing they were back home, and now all she wanted to do was submerge herself back into that world.
Hugging her knees she tried to calm her tears, but thinking about Spike…just made her cry harder. All the ground they’d covered, wiped away. She had dreamed about saying those words to him, and she had even dreamed treating him like crap. It was almost funny, but not quite.
She pushed back against the bed propping herself up, and then settling on the edge. How could she face him now? What would she say?
*Do I still love him?*
That was a good question.
***
He was drunk; no he was more than drunk he was…
“Bloody hell!”
There was a shattering as he threw the empty bottle of whiskey against the wall.
His dreams were plaguing him; couldn’t get the sodding bitch out of his head, even when he was fast asleep. So he did what he always did, he drank the memories away.
This dream had hit him hard; though he always dreamed about her, this one had been different. His usual dreams put to shame most of the porn making its way across the Internet; always about her, always about sex. He just always assumed he only dreamed about fucking her because he knew that’s all it would ever be between them; he was always thankful they were that way. It was easier waking up from a night of raunchy shagging than to the bitter reality that those heart-warming fantasies were just that, fantasies.
This dream…bloody hell. He shivered, and unscrewed the cap to a full bottle of Jack Daniels and took a deep swallow.
She had been so warm, so…so different from any resemblance of the Buffy he knew. This was the dream he had always dreaded having; the one that gave him hope, and shattered his will completely upon awakening.
He wiped tears from his eyes that had begun to build and swore.
*Wanker*
The real world wasn’t sugar-coated. Buffy despised him, and wanted basically nothing to do with him, not anymore. He stood and began pacing, and a thought hit him.
*Maybe this is what you needed mate, a wakeup call*
He knew nothing would ever change between him and Buffy; at their best moments, the pair were still terrible to each other. Maybe getting past the denial was the first step, and the second would be to leave, for good.
***
Leaning over the tub Buffy sighed. She was so tired; her body was weary and her mind… Just the thought of seeing Spike again made her heart leap, but at the same time made her want to curl up in a ball and cry. He would be the same, cruel and spiteful vampire he had been a few hours earlier.
The water began to spurt out and she let one hand test the temperature before letting out another long sigh.
“You hurt? You're not moving so well.”
She stiffened instantly.
*Oh God, what was he doing here now, in her bathroom?*
Straightening she adjusted her expression, shifting into one of calm indifference and turned to face him.
“Get out.”
*God, be more of a bitch why don’t you?*
Spike ignored her and stepped in the small room, closing the door behind him.
“We have to talk.”
Buffy’s shield of disdain almost crumbled as she stared at him, almost. She swallowed back the desire and longing and looked away. “I really don’t.”
“Well, this isn't just about you...as much you'd like it to be.” His tone was condescending.
She leaned back over the tub squeezing her eyes shut try to push the tears back. It was so hard, looking at him, and knowing he wasn’t the same man from her dream. She wanted to run to him, apologize, and just make everything ok. But this was the real world, and that, would never happen.
“You spoke. I listened. Now leave.” She couldn’t take it; his presence tickled her senses, and she was anything but calm. She hadn’t been ready to face him so soon.
*Face him? It was a DREAM you idiot*
“I'm sorry. Not that it matters any more, but I needed you to know that.”
*Sorry for sleeping with Anya, sorry for not telling you everyday how perfect you are, sorry for pushing you away, sorry for not being able to be the man you deserve.*
The remnants of his dream lingered in the back of his mind as he watched her. When he had entered the bathroom, and she hadn’t physically thrown him out there was a spark of hope. Maybe…just maybe it had been real; maybe…maybe she did love him. But this girl in front of him was cold and angry; this was no dream, this was life.
“Why?” Her voice was soft, and she tried to conceal the desperation in it.
“Because I care about you.”
“Then you might want to try the not sleeping with my friends.” She mentally slapped herself as soon as the words came out; the strands of bitterness from his betrayal still lingered in her mind. She hadn’t wanted it to be like this, she still had the opportunity to fix things. The realization that “they” needed some serious work hadn’t changed; it was just the direction of their relationship she was unclear about.
“I didn't go to Anya for that. I was looking for a spell.”
Her temper flared. “You were going to use a spell on me?”
Then his demeanor changed; a frantic look flashed across his face. “It wasn't for you! I wanted something. Anything to make these feelings stop, I just wanted it to stop!”
The pain in his voice ripped her apart. He looked so hurt and vulnerable. A flashback to her dream hit her; him kneeling on the sidewalk in tears, clutching blood money between his fingers. She had done it again, broken him.
“You should have let him kill me.”
She shook her head. “I couldn’t do that.”
“Why?”
“You know why.” She avoided his intense stare.
*You do, oh you do know Spike; just believe it.*
“Because you love me.” He said his confidently, and the words echoed throughout the small space.
She hesitated, this was her chance. Her chance to redeem herself and to make that dream a reality.
*You’ve already said it twice, say it again…say it again*
“I have feelings for you, I do…”
*Chicken*
Her mind was screaming at her; Spike couldn’t see the inner turmoil that was rampaging through her. How she wanted to tell him, but…
“…but it’s not love.”
He rolled his eyes and laughed wickedly moving closer.
“Great love is wild ... and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes.”
“Until there’s nothing left; love like that doesn’t last.” She whispered. Everything she’d been through had taught her that; there was almost pain, grief, and eventually lonliness. She knew it all too well.
He was getting frantic, pacing the room almost dangerously. “I know you feel like I do. You don't have to hide it anymore.” He was raging inside, the dream was clashing with reality, and the lines were blurred. He wanted so much for to admit she cared, admit she loved him. Nothing mattered at this point, he would make her say it, and he would show her how much she really did love him.
A tiny feeling of caution flittered through her brain. Something wasn’t right, and she was started to get a little worried where this conversation would lead them.
“Spike, please stop this.” She whispered.
He stepped forward and grasped her hard by the waist. “Let yourself feel it.”
He was raging inside, the dream was clashing with reality, and the lines were blurred. He wanted so much for to admit she cared, admit she loved him. Nothing mattered at this point, he would make her say it, and he would show her how much she really did love him, no matter what the cost.
A/N: Dialogue taken from S7 "Chosen" and S6 "Seeing Red"