(no subject)
Colin has his own life. I don't attend his Buddhist things because I usually have homework. He goes out drinking with his friends most nights while I stay at home (again, school). For the brief times we've been awake together over the last few days, he's in the kitchen cooking, so I can't really talk to him then.
I get so jealous I feel violent. It's irrational, I know, but that doesn't make the pain any less real. I'm always invited. And when he's cooking, he's cooking for me. He sleeps here almost every night (except when he's out too late). I should be thankful.
But I'm not. And there's only an extent to which I can hide my resentment. So I'm the bad guy. I'm the bitch. And I am! I know! But it's not something I'm proud of. I live in a perpetual state of having my feelings hurt, and when I get mad, I hate myself for letting myself get mad.
Maybe I'm just dreading this move. We won't sleep next to each other every night anymore. Maybe I'm afraid that's the strongest part of us, and I fear what will happen when that disappears.
Gah. I hate being a girl sometimes. I swear to God none of this has even occurred to him. He, in his masculine ignorance/wisdom knows that we love each other madly, and somehow that's enough.
I get so jealous I feel violent. It's irrational, I know, but that doesn't make the pain any less real. I'm always invited. And when he's cooking, he's cooking for me. He sleeps here almost every night (except when he's out too late). I should be thankful.
But I'm not. And there's only an extent to which I can hide my resentment. So I'm the bad guy. I'm the bitch. And I am! I know! But it's not something I'm proud of. I live in a perpetual state of having my feelings hurt, and when I get mad, I hate myself for letting myself get mad.
Maybe I'm just dreading this move. We won't sleep next to each other every night anymore. Maybe I'm afraid that's the strongest part of us, and I fear what will happen when that disappears.
Gah. I hate being a girl sometimes. I swear to God none of this has even occurred to him. He, in his masculine ignorance/wisdom knows that we love each other madly, and somehow that's enough.