My eyes are gonna look soo pretty noone's gonna know i cried
hey everyone......
yea idk there is soooo much goign on in my head right now i can't even describe!!!!!!!! in a way i feel like a bitch right now and in a way im confused depressed and hurt i guess.......i don't realyl know was goign on like today in softball i wasn't really my "vibrant" self and like i wasn't all there like i was looking and listenin to everything but like i wasnt there i am just so mixed up liek i was throwen w. y partner and like i couldn't like throw at all and like i wouild be throwen not notcien what i was doig while staren off into space the same thing w/ my catheneven walking the halls there is soo much goign on in my head and i cant liek do nething im kinda like a zombie....can't sleep and wlakin around in a daze and what not idk like my rents are kinda "comming donw hard": liek their goign psycho on me and like interrigaten me every two secs like i was eating icing off of a knife and then like i threw them away up starrs ( two of them) and liek my mom was liek whay are there jknifes there and i knws liek i was eting icen and she was liek WERE U CUTTING UR WRISTS?! and i was liek NO! and she was liek are u sure nd was liek YEA i thinki would know! and leik all that shyt and liek every twos sec UR EATING TOO MUCH SURGAR if u dun stop like ur gonan get grounded ir w/e liek wtf they are liek finding reason to yell at me and like things at skool w/ ppl aren't goign soo good either everythign there is kinda deteriarating..the only person i have like 100% is mckeon and shyt idk and like things aren't goign good on the relationship wise either and like i don't know what to do and liek i fdon't know what it is tht is maken things go wrogn and why i am acten like i am.....maybe....idk maybe i am closn up agen and that whole defesive attitude is comming bak instead of being more relaxed...like i am ALWAYS on the defence ready to fight! liek i am ever starten w/ teachers and like i was neva liek that! idk......idk was wrong w/ me right now and liek it is fucken up our relationship and like i hate it b/c i love him so much and like honestly i don't knwo what i would do w/out him at my side and like he knows that and like for some reason l8ly i can NEVA be happy no matter what!!!! i dun get it liek usually no matter what is botherin me liek certain ppl or classes or liek shyt liek that will ALWAYS bring me up but not l8ly liek i dun get it i really really really dun and like i dread waken up in the morning and like i dread goign to skool and goign through the day and then liek i dread going to practice and haveing to interact w/ ppl i am liek dreadin that like crazy everyday i dread goign home and eating dinner and goign to bed and everything like right now i am at and ultimate low and i honestly don't know why and what i can or should do about it and like it is effecting soooo many good things liek me and marc! and i hate it b/c if things get bad enough i may loss him and like that is the last thing in the whole world i would wanna do i love him way to much and he is to big of an important part of me and an impotant factor in my life i would die if i lost him i really would but like i fell liek i am maken him miserable and shyt and i hate that soo much and i would rather see him happy then down even if that did mean being w/ me or not....there are soo many things right now i guess i regret and like am dreading and dun understand! why? why? why? why? why? that is all for now i guess idk im soo lost and dazed someone please help me!