Failure By Design
So it's close to the last day of the year 2005, and I feel more obligated to update out of sentimentality rather than an actual need. I'd have to say its been a life changing year all things considered. I definitly learned a lot, what i learned however, seems to untangible at the moment. But i think i have defintly been productive this year. Wow january seems like so long ago. Well I've only grown mentally im still relatively the same size, myabe a little stronger. more toned. I've aged too i think. I learned some calculous and a little physics but i dont have it to show for anything. I did a shit job on my ap test for history and defintely figured out that confidence is the only one real mind killer. I went to junior olympics, were i say i did pretty horribly, and there was the fiasco with the tainted sprit and corban's knee. I guess when you are a stupid mormon you shouldnt try to keep up with a recovered alcholic, I almost got arrested, i did have a girlfriend, sorta, it was along distance thing. I stayed realatively lame all things considered with the women. I got an argued 3rd or 4th in the splash in dash cause county is stupid. I coached my own swim team. I was a good role model for Calvin. I switched to CCHS, which was probally one of my best decisions ever. Im really enjoying myself this year. I feel i am lacking friends though. I kind of regret switching schools, but this really is for the better. I need to stop slacking off though. i should be getting better grades. Some times it is hard to try when there is no one to try for. I came a long way in my swimming. Just to think that i didn't even know what q's was till a couple of months ago and i just barely missed qualifying for it. That was definitly a slap in the face, i cant believe i missed it by .38 seconds so harsh. But i still have that relay and i'll be damned if i miss it again. :55 baby :55. I feel isolated from my friends that im not really getting a chance to enjoy my life, maybe its cause not everyone is as crazy as i am. hmmmm, i think i plan to much, and then ill go with the flow too much i gotta find that nice flow one of these days. Tomorrow is New Years eve and im out of a date, i don't even have an idea for a date. I'd love to hang out with melissa but she has her softball thing and then i don't think a lets get drunk party would be a good thing for her to go to. since she doesnt drink. All the cool girls seem to be already taken. I just need to get out more. thats all. And i feel like such a crappy friend while karl is here. But i mean shayla is cool and all but i dont want to just sit and play video games at her trailer/house thing while you make out with her. Thats no fun for me. Which i dont think is that weird for me to feel that way. I figured things would be diffrent when he left. but thats how it always is. Everyone leaves and they change, or maybe i change? i dont know, im not that worried about it. I hope this entry is long enough no one reads it. cause lucy doesn't get the this is my journal i dont want people reading thing. but in a way i like to think there is some random person reading it. Its an odd thought but it makes me feel important. It makes me wonder if i just drove of.....wait getting way too emo. I had the weirdest conversation with my mom, she asked me if a drank, i told her no. She's like really? i told her i had a beer once but it tasted bad and then all the hard kind of liquor burns to much. and we had a conversation about how stupid it is to just get drunk to pass out and throwup everywhere. And then she asked me if a smoke weed ever, and i told her no and that i've never wanted to try it and that it just doesnt appeal to me. ughhhhh i need to get some sleep practice tomorrow at 7:30 oh yea, thats dedication, i have almost 100 precent attendence. i wish they would change my freakin sceduhle though. i put in to work mornings for a f'n reason. i dont know if i should make this private friends or public. i think im gonna make it public cause i might as well. I get pissed off when i stay home at night but im so tired after swim practice i jsut dont want to do anything. ughhh im a shitty friend.