======>
CRUCIBLE OF CREATIVE POTENTIAL: The Homestuck Request Meme
ACT TWO
(also known as SHITSTAIN ASSMASTER)By popular demand, a general request meme for MSPA, at long last. Have an idea you want to see drawn or written? This is the place to ask. Both romantic (of any kind, het or slash) and general prompts are accepted. Reply to those comments with art ( Read more... )
ACT TWO
(also known as SHITSTAIN ASSMASTER)By popular demand, a general request meme for MSPA, at long last. Have an idea you want to see drawn or written? This is the place to ask. Both romantic (of any kind, het or slash) and general prompts are accepted. Reply to those comments with art ( Read more... )
~~~
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.
CCG: FUCKASSES, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] responded to memo.
CAG: Oh my Gooooooood, Karkat!
CAG: I can't 8elieve you're dragging us all into this.
CCG: SHUT UP, THIS IS IMPORTANT.
CCG: JADE'S GONE CRAZY, APPARENTLY.
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] responded to memo.
CGC: WHO TOLD YOU TH4T? >:?
CCG: YOUR "34RTH HUM4N BOYFR13ND" TOLD ME SHE WAS BEING A GODDAMN PSYCHOBITCH.
CCG: SOMETHING ABOUT BEING ON HER "PERIOD," WHATEVER THAT MEANS.
CAG: Whaaaaaaaat?
CGC: WH4TS 4 P3R1OD
CCG: JEGUS, WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?
CGC: W3LL D4V3 TOLD YOU D1DNT H3? >;]
CCG: SORT OF. HE DIDN'T GO INTO DETAILS.
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] responded to memo.
CGA: This Sounds Worrisome
CCG: NO SHIT.
CGA: Is She Hurt
CCG: HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW? ASK DAVE IF YOU'RE SO CURIOUS.
CGA: Okay I Will Do That
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] has left the memo.
CCG: FUCK.
~~~
Kanaya pursed her lips, pondering the best course of action. Periods--Rose had told her that they were a part of the human reproductive cycle, occurring only in females, and that it involved blood coming from...down there. She had told Rose to stop at that point. Even as a rainbow drinker, she found that thought disgusting.
Maybe Dave would know more. It couldn't hurt to ask, could it?
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]
GA: Hello Dave
TG: oh shit its the lesbian vampire chick
TG: sup
GA: What Is A Lesbian
TG: a chick whos into other chicks
TG: what do you not have those on your bizarro planet that doesnt even exist anymore
TG: gog you guys are fucked up
GA: No I Think We Do
GA: We Just Dont Have A Word For It I Guess
GA: Anyway I Meant To Ask You Something
TG: shoot
GA: What Is A Period
TG: its that dot that goes at the end of a sentence
TG: rose is always on my ass to use them but im all fuck that shit
GA: Not That Kind Of Period The Other Kind
TG: oh those
TG: basically its when an earth human girl or whatever starts bleeding out her vag
GA: Vag
TG: vagina
TG: fuckin aliens how do they work
TG: anyway its when a girl bleeds from there and she acts like a total bitch the whole time
GA: Ahh
GA: I Can Understand Why As It Sounds Painful And Unpleasant
TG: yeah man
TG: and it lasts for like a fucking week or something
TG: every gogdamn month
TG: also dont touch a bitch on her period
TG: shes cursed
TG: and only chocolate can stop her demonic and insatiable desire for human blood
TG: or troll blood i guess
GA: Oh My
GA: This Is Most Distressing
TG: i know right
TG: girls sure are weird
GA: Human Girls You Mean
TG: sure whatever
TG: g2g egberts bugging me
GA: Okay
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]
Kanaya pondered this for a moment. Apparently human girls turned into demons every month, perhaps during the full moon or something. Clearly she would have to relay this information to the rest of the group.
"Karkat?" she called out. Karkat turned his chair towards her, a grim expression on his face.
"What did you find out, Kanaya?"
"According to Dave, human females develop an insatiable desire for blood during a roughly week-long period every...month, I guess they call them. Presumably this has to do with the blood loss they are experiencing during this time, but that is merely conjecture on my part."
"Blood loss?"
"Yes, out their...um...human nether regions." Kanaya blushed. This was beyond embarrassing.
"Fuck."
"Indeed."
"So how do we stop her?"
"Apparently chocolate is the one thing that can calm her."
"Do we have any?"
"Not that I am aware of. Shall we alchemize some?"
"Yeah. Anything to stop her homicidal rampage."
Reply
~~~
Aradia and Sollux were making out in the alchemy room, which was not an abnormal occurrence--no one came in there except when it was necessary to make more food or sopor slime, and the trolls were well-stocked on both. So it startled them greatly to hear someone pounding on the door.
"LET US IN. IT'S FUCKING IMPORTANT."
"Oh God," Sollux groaned, pulling away from Aradia. "What do you want, KK?"
"Wh--Sollux, what the HELL are you doing in there?!"
"None of your business."
"I'm the leader, it's totally my business!"
"Whatever. What do you want?"
"I need to alchemize some chocolate."
"...Why?"
"Because Jade is apparently some sort of bloodthirsty demon who can only be satisfied with blood or chocolate, and shockingly, I'd prefer that we use the latter. NOW OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR."
Sollux groaned and got up. He opened the door and saw Karkat, Kanaya, Vriska, and Terezi standing there, all with deeply sober looks on their faces. It was kind of disturbing to see Terezi of all people with anything other than a creepy-ass grin, but he let it slide; if Karkat was to be believed, there was a fucking demon on the loose. "Come in," he sighed.
Karkat noticed Aradia sitting on the alchemiter platform, staring at him and the others in confusion. He also noticed that Sollux had dark red lipstick smeared all over his face.
"Dammit, can't you two spend five minutes doing something that DOESN'T involve making out?"
"We're making up for lost time," Aradia said nonchalantly.
"...I hate you two so much sometimes. Now get off the alchemiter. That's an order." Aradia shrugged and stood up. "Thank you."
Aradia walked up to the others, while Karkat set to work alchemizing the chocolate. "So what exactly happened?" she asked.
"Dave has informed us that Jade is on her period."
"...Her what now?" Aradia cocked her head to the side in confusion.
Kanaya was getting sort of sick of having to explain this whole concept, so Terezi was kind enough to take over for her. "It's when a human girl bleeds out some weird hole and goes on a rampage!" she explained helpfully.
"...Wouldn't that kill her?" Sollux inquired.
"Apparently not. Humans sure are weird!" At this, Terezi began laughing hysterically. "And their blood is supposed to be RED, too! Candy red! I want to try some of--"
"Shut uuuuuuuup, Terezi!" Vriska moaned, smacking Terezi upside the head. "You're being all gross again!"
"Hehehe."
After a few minutes, Karkat returned to the group, a rather impressively-sized box full of all manner of chocolate candies in his arms. "Well," he muttered. "Time to go placate the hellbeast."
~~~
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]
GA: Nepeta
GA: Do You Have Any Information Regarding Jades Whereabouts
AC: :33 < *the furocious feline thinks very hard about it!*
AC: :33 < *then she shakes her head sadly :((*
GA: I See
GA: Do You Know Of Anyone Who Might Know Then
AC: :33 < ummmmmm
AC: :33 < john might!
GA: Thank You Nepeta
GA: I Will Ask Him For Assistance
AC: :33 < *the kitty cat wonders why ga is so curious about jade!*
GA: Im Worried She Might Go On A Killing Spree
GA: Dave Implied That She Might
AC: :33 < well john is purrobably a better purrson to ask than me!
GA: Okay
GA: Thanks Again
AC: :33 < no purroblem! :33
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
GA: John
GA: Do You Know Where Jade Is Right Now
EB: ummm...
EB: i don't know!
EB: you should go looking for her!
GA: Im Concerned Though
GA: Dave Said She Is Currently On Her Period And A Danger To Those Around Her
GA: And Cursed Apparently
EB: kanaya, i am pretty sure periods do not work that way!
GA: They Dont
EB: not from what ive read anyway.
GA: I See
GA: Thank You Very Much John
EB: hehe, no problem!
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
Kanaya swiveled her chair around to face Karkat. "It appears we have been mislead," she said.
"What do you mean?"
"I am not entirely sure what constitutes a period; according to John, Dave isn't either, despite his own humanity."
"Goddammit! I'll break that fucker's nose!"
"Can I lick the blood off his face?"
"Shut up, Terezi."
Reply
~~~
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
GA: Dave Is It True That You Have Misled Us Regarding The Nature Of A Human Females Period
TG: nah man
GA: Are You Certain
GA: John Said And I Quote
GA: "Periods Do Not Work That Way"
TG: okay clearly john has never met a woman before
GA: Is That Actually Possible
TG: idk
GA: What
TG: i dont know
GA: Oh
GA: In Any Case
GA: We Have Alchemized Some Chocolate
TG: k good
TG: youre gonna need it when jade comes storming in all angry and shit
TG: wanting to spill your weird rainbow blood everywhere
TG: and probably lick it all up like a fucking dog
TG: shits gross man
GA: Terezi Actually Expressed An Interest In Tasting Your Human Blood If That Counts For Anything
TG: nope
GA: Okay
TG: christ i thought you were the vampire here
GA: Rainbow Drinker
TG: sure whatever
GA: If You Must Know I Am Subsisting On Animal Blood And Doing Quite Well
TG: youre not one of those bullshit twilight vampires are you
GA: Whats Twilight
TG: its an earth human book about some bitch who fucks a vampire or something
TG: and she has to decide between him and a werewolf
GA: That Sounds Intriguing But Whats A Werewolf
TG: a person who turns into a wolf during the full moon
GA: So One Of Your Human Woofbeasts
TG: basically
GA: I See
GA: Anyway I Am Unsure Of What To Believe At This Juncture
GA: As You Honestly Do Not Seem To Be The Most Trustworthy Individual
TG: what the fuck im the most trustworthy person on this whole fucking meteor
TG: i mean just ask rose shell back me up
TG: shes my sister after all
TG: oh wait trolls dont have those
TG: gog you guys are so fucked up
TG: HOW HIGH do you have to BE.............
TG: anyway bye
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]
GA: Rose
GA: You Are A Human Female Correct
TT: Why do you even need to ask?
TT: But yes, I am.
GA: Okay Just Checking
GA: I Feel You Are Thus Qualified To Inform Me As To What Exactly A Period Is
GA: Dave Was Helpful But I Am Unsure About The Veracity Of His Information
TT: Oh God.
TT: Okay. I'll explain, if you promise not to block me this time.
GA: I Promise
TT: Good.
Rose proceeded to go into detail about the whole thing. Kanaya had a number of questions, but Rose was willing to answer, and by the end of their chat Kanaya was fairly sure she knew what was going on with Jade.
TT: So do you understand now?
GA: Yes
GA: Thank You So Much Rose I Was Really Starting To Worry
TT: Don't. It's perfectly normal.
TT: Well, for humans, at least.
GA: It Sounds Rather Unpleasant And Uncomfortable
TT: For some, yes.
TT: But like I said, it's normal.
GA: Wow
GA: Human Reproduction Sure Is Weird
TT: I suppose so, looking at it from a non-human perspective.
GA: Yes
GA: Okay I Will Relay This Information To The Other Trolls
TT: Okay, good.
TT: And Kanaya?
TT: Don't worry about Jade.
GA: Okay I Wont
TT: Good.
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]
Reply
"As I said earlier, yes." Kanaya paused. "From Jade, at least."
"Good to know. Thanks, Kanaya."
"You're welcome. I must say, Rose seems rather knowledgeable about these matters of human sexuality and reproduction. Wise beyond her years, and--"
Vriska glared at her. "Gooooooood, Kanaaaaaaaaya! Shut up about your fucking girl-crush already!"
"It's paler red than that, Vriska."
"Psh. Yeah riiiiiiiight!"
It was at this point that Kanaya smacked Vriska upside the head. Vriska promptly shut up--she was fairly sure Kanaya had just cracked her jaw.
Stupid sexy rainbow drinkers.
~~~
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]
GA: Rose I Have A Favor To Ask Of You
TT: Oh?
TT: What would that be, Kanaya?
GA: If Its Not Too Much Trouble
GA: Id Like You To Teach Us More About Your Human Reproductive Cycle
GA: And Other Such Topics
TT: I suppose I could do that.
TT: I'm curious about how trolls reproduce, myself. Perhaps there are some things you could teach me.
GA: Perhaps
GA: For Now You Should Probably Get Some Sleep Though
TT: What about you?
GA: Im A Rainbow Drinker Remember
GA: We Dont Sleep
TT: I see.
TT: Goodnight, in any case.
GA: Goodnight Rose
tentacleTherapist [TT] signed off.
GA: <3
~~~
That's it! I'm actually thinking of writing a sequel of sorts where Rose follows through on her promise to teach sex ed to the trolls--I think it's been done before, but I'm doing it a bit differently I guess? I dunno. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this. It's one of the longer stories I've written. I'll be putting it on AO3 soon!
Reply
Reply
I definitely intend to write the sequel. Comedy, I've learned, is REALLY fun to write.
Reply
Reply
I'm so glad people are liking this! I had a LOT of fun writing it.
And FUCK YEAH KANAYAXROSE! Shipping in general might play a more prominent role in the sequel, but yeah.
Reply
this is hysterical
i love it
Reply
Reply
You
Someone filled my fail prompt and just this
you
<3
Reply
Reply
Speaking of which, what is your Ao3, so I can subscribe you on there? I'm Ariamaki on there.
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment