Two movies, three dimensions. Or, THIS POST IS COMING RIGHT AT YOU!
The other day, Rose wanted to see The Legend of the Guardians, so we went to the movies. She sat in front with her friends because that's cool, and I sat in the back with Alice and Meimei (who doesn't get a Twilight-based nickname because her middle name is neither Esme nor Isabella, although she was almost stuck with something similar to Esme, which would have been weird.)
Anyway, the movie. It was in 3-D.
...this was my first time.
Oh, I've seen 3-D movies before. My very first was Robot Monster, which I watched on video with those awesome cardboard glasses with the red and blue lenses. But we couldn't get the TV adjusted right, so it was like...2-and-a-half-D. Some of those bubbles are almost coming right at you or else not! It was still cool, but I was six.
I've seen other 3-D movies since then, from both the '50s boom and the '80s boom, in properly cheesy 3-D and in hilariously cheesy "I'm holding my hand out for no reason!" 2-D. I've never been impressed with it, and I didn't expect to be impressed with it this time around, either. So I've never seen one in the theater.
(Sigourney Weaver is on the TV! Excuse my fangirling. Bored already.)
Okay, so I had no desire to be part of the 3-D craze. But for Rosie, anything.
Before the feature, we got a Roadrunner cartoon. Um, yay? Except, no, not yay. You know the world the Roadrunner and Coyote live in? That beautiful, stylized, flat world that has absolutely no business being in 3-D? God, I'm already a traditionalist; I don't want you messing with my Looney Toons. But Bugs Bunny or a Clampett-style Daffy Duck could have been fun. This...was not.
My head started aching almost immediately. I couldn't tell if it was irritation or the 3-D glasses, which, by the way, are not meant to be worn over regular glasses.
Then the actual movie started, and I was immediately furious. Okay, there's an owl flying around, it's kind of pretty, it loses a feather, FREEZE FRAME! THE FEATHER IS COMING RIGHT AT YOU! DID YOU KNOW THIS MOVIE IS IN 3-D?!
So it's official. I do hate 3-D. And I've been sort of passive-aggressively hating CGI for years now, although it can sometimes impress me. And I have to say, the feather effects impressed me very much, although the weird, too-human owl faces were distracting as all getout. The 3-D effects...ugh. Static shots looked cheesy and fake. Moving shots were blurry and made me feel slightly ill. And on a different note, while the story was definitely cute and I try not to expect too much from a kids' movie, I do like not knowing how a movie is going to end before the conclusion of its opening scene. By the over-dramatic reading of, "And the villain's body WAS NEVER FOOOOOOOOOOUND (until the sequel)!" I was dying for an actual plot twist.
(The only thing I really liked about this movie was the cool, stylized animation over the end credits.)
So this is how I feel about what the reliance on computers over strong writing does to cinema.
(Angryface.)
So this should come as no surprise: I didn't see Avatar in the theater when I had the chance. Because why the smeg would I? It's a poorly written story that's problematic in ways I don't even feel qualified to address, and it actually, genuinely expects "the CGI is really cool!" to make up for its lack of redeeming qualities. And no, I don't consider "cool-looking" a redeeming quality. Maybe I should, because film is a visual medium, but you know what? CGI can suck it.
I had no intention ever of supporting this movie, but it was available on Netflix, and I was curious. Still, I resisted. Because by now I've heard so much hype from so many people, it would officially be a betrayal of my principles to watch it. (The only person I know who wasn't overawed by the visuals was really, really unimpressed, and I'm inclined to trust the opinion of a proper film geek like that'n.)
But then I realized I was going to have to watch it. Otherwise I won't understand the porn parody.
Click to viewAxel Braun won a lot of points with Batman XXX. I will now watch any porn parody he chooses to make. Wow. The director of a goofy porno has more clout with me than James Cameron in all his aliening, terminatoring awesomeness.
Well. Avatar came in the mail today.
THIS MOVIE IS BADLY WRITTEN!
EVEN ELLEN RIPLEY CAN'T SAVE THIS ASSFEST! Okay, maybe she helps a little. But not enough! I'm told I should also find Michelle Rodriguez badass, but she's not really doing anything. This is a shame, because Michelle Rodriguez is potentially the best thing that ever happened to women in Hollywood. And she does nothing for this movie.
You know what?
THIS MAY BE THE WORST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN. I say this as someone who deliberately watched Battlefield Earth for a second time.
AND THIS CGI IS NOT THAT GREAT. Maybe it looks better in 3-D, on a big screen. But seriously. This is CRAP. These graphics look like they're going to be dated in, like, a week. I feel like I'm watching The Last Starfighter, except that I liked that movie.
The only draw of this stupid-ass movie is the visuals. Everyone's been saying all along that the story is crap. (Understatement!). And this dialogue...I don't even have a word for how stupid and lacking in subtlety it is.
But it was at least supposed to be pretty. But no. The faces lack expression (in a manner oddly similar to the overly expressive owl faces). The textures are all shiny and plastic-looking, and the sparkles don't make it better. The sense of movement is nice, but a lot of it seems just a bit too slow--and I don't mean the lame-ass slow motion escaping-a-creature shots, because those are intentional, which may be even worse.
Feh! Time for a language lesson!
English: "What are you doing, Tsu'tey?"
Na'vi: "Not Tsu'tey, Kim Basinger."
Also, it really amuses me that in her very first scene, when Sigourney Weaver was speaking Na'vi, I could tell she was speaking it with an American accent. Because every fantastic language has the same vowel sounds, even if native speakers of those languages have different accents when speaking English.
The best fantastic language I've ever heard is probably Leeloo's language from The Fifth Element. Speaking of which, the diva is a much better blue person than these "blue monkeys."
And have I mentioned how offensive the ethnicizing of the Na'vi is? I mean, come on. You want to parallel the Noble Savage cultures that were overrun by the White Man? Fine. I was expecting to be hit over the head with that. But these are aliens. Aliens. Not human. Not actually these human cultures that are entirely Earth-based and not alien.
(And no, occasionally hissing like cats is not enough to make the ALIENS seem NOT HUMAN.)
I think, actually, that I may have been spoiled by C.J. Cherryh and her NOT AT ALL HUMAN BUT STILL EXTREMELY PSYCHOLOGICALLY COMPLEX alien races. Man, I want to see a film version of her Foreigner series. (In which the things that humans are able to compare to horses are not actually called horses, by the way, but more importantly, the giant sized, inhumanly hued, technologically inferior atevi whose planet is colonized by humans are able to exist as more than ham-handed metaphors.) But I guess nobody really wants a movie about politics and higher math. IN 3-D!
Also, little miss doe-eyed whiny-ass sassy-ethnic love interest? I hate her. I just do. She starts off bitching out Whitebread at every opportunity, in a way that suggests that the writer hasn't really learned anything yet about the "tone argument". Which is, of course:
"Insensitive statement."
"Anger!"
"Why are you yelling at me?"
"You said something stupid and insensitive!"
"But why are you yelling at me? People will listen to you if you're nice to them."
This can go wrong on both ends, and it really pisses me off when anyone decides to forgo basic courtesy. Oppression is not a free pass for bad manners. BUT. Look at the argument as it's actually used, and a good portion of the time what the first person is actually saying is, "I didn't really say anything wrong, and you're just mad for no reason. You should pay more attention to me and see how awesome I am." And that's what happened here.
Whitebread: *screws up*
Ethniri: "You suck!"
Whitebread: "Boobs?"
Ethniri: "You're stupid!"
Whitebread: :)
Ethniri: "You're really stupid and you suck!"
Whitebread: *poses*
Ethniri: ... :)
Whitebread: "OMG I love you.'
Ethniri: "OMG you're awesome, let's have sex and get married because you're awesome."
Whitebread: *is still stupid and still sucks, but manages to fall off things slightly less and has a big gun*
Okay, looking at it in words, that's a pretty standard romance. But my point stands.
In closing: STFU WITH THIS VOICEOVER BULLSHIT, PLEASE. Is this movie over yet? I hate it so much. And I don't know if this copy is damaged, or what, but there's something wrong with the audio. It keeps making noises that make me want to claw off my own skin. Also, there are no actual characters. Also-also, the "story" is so predictable I could just die of foresight. (And be reborn as a tall, able-bodied blue person forever and ever to be king of them all, I will bet you a million dollars.)
*what feels like hours later*
Yup. Also, I totally missed the epic battle at the end because proofreading this was more interesting.
So it's finally over, and this song playing over the credits? Really annoying. Possibly because I'm imagining Pocahontas singing it. "And blah blah blah blah, the colors of love, blah blah, EVERMOOOOOOORRRRRRE!" Also, you know what other animated children's movie told this story better? Fern Gully. Because every movie needs pollution (as played by Tim Curry) sexually assaulting woodchippers, for real.
...hot damn! This thing at the end with the singing flowers turning into the THX was COOL! I feel like I did when Gang of Roses ended!
("Well, that was a crapfest like never befTHAT HORSE IS DANCING! Best movie EVER!")