Nurture vs. Nature
Let me tell you a story. And please note that this is a vent. I'm not looking for pity. Or solutions. Or advice. This will come as a shock to some of you who do not know me well (or thought you knew me well). I’m going to share a dark secret with you. I hate math. Not only do I hate math, but I am afraid of math. I can’t do math without having linked feelings of depression, of incompetency, of feeling like total shit.
Today I applied for a job at American Express. It was for customer service--a position that would seemingly not require math. Naturally when working with numbers you must know how to do serious math. Right..
So they have a big fat test that you take before anyone even calls you for an interview. Part of this test involves SAT style questions. The smart asses out there will say that they are STAR questions because SAT questions are much more complicated. Too complicated for me, clearly.
These questions put me at unease. I had no idea how to approach them and for those that I did have an idea about I took way too long figuring them out.
Nurture Vs. Nature. It’s true. Especially about what you say to encourage a child vs. what you don’t say. Or in this case what you say to a child to instill necessary information and how you say it. From a young age, I hated math, it was difficult for me. I avoided it. I cried about it. My mother and father both tried to work with me. I stayed up late studying it with my father many weekday nights. (He’s a computer physicist, by the way. He has a masters in math and a Ph D in physics. He was real excited when he learned that his youngest kid couldn’t do math to save her life).
When I was very young and still studying arithmetic my mom would help me. She had this system with index cards. She would have me count groups of coins to understand multiplication. She would hold up an index card with a multiplication problem and I was supposed to get it. And when I didn’t get it (which was about every other time) she would cry. Or put her head in her hands and look up to the ceiling and say “where did I go wrong!” or “God help us all”.
The years went by and I continued to hate math. Hating math, not wanting to do math, trying and failing at it through several tutors (all the way through 19 years old) everyone eventually gave up--including myself. I wish I could calculate how many dollars I wasted with my attempts to learn math, to think analytically, to be competent.
I flunked most of my middle school math classes and almost all of my high school math classes. I flunked my college level math classes. I was discouraged from taking any kind of standardized test.
In case anyone is wondering how things can fuck you up later in life here’s a greater example: child hates math. Parents try to teach her math. Child still hates math, doesn’t learn quickly and does not show any interest nor does she retain information easily on this particular subject. Child shows talent in the performing arts. Parents encourage her. Child gives up easily and gets frustrated because she feels she will never be good enough. Parents are confused.
So now here I am, 26 and feeling totally useless. I’ve been a stupid job for 1.25 years. I feel I’m going nowhere because I have no real sense of accomplishment, my definition of success is warped and the belief in myself for being able to complete tasks and do things--correctly, easily and competently the first time- is not present. I'm afraid to switch jobs because I will have to learn a new set of rules, guidelines...It will take me weeks to get them into my head. Every time I try to learn something new, I have to see it, hear it, do it and rewrite it for myself to get it. That's a long process. A process most potential bosses don't really want to invest in.
So I've always tried to do things where my natural talents lie. I teach voice, I've taught dance, I've taught costuming, I've taught art. Teaching comes naturally to me. I don't have to work at it. I don't have to waste other people's time and money trying to figure out a new job or skills. And now I'm scared. I'm scared that, other than for strange and unusual jobs, I will never really be financially stable or really able to fend for myself. I don't really possess the foundation of skills and understanding needed to fulfill my own definition of success.
I fear being in a dead end job for the rest of my life. I fear not being able to even be considered for better paying jobs. For jobs with positive work environments and desirable yearly income figures. I fear losing my focus and drive to not putting in the right kind of work, for not working hard enough, and for not understanding what kind of work is needed to get to where I want to and need to be.
I'm at a crossroads with uneven earth beneath my feet.