Romantic: The Angstening
So today, for the first time since college, I tried reading Keats.
I loved Keatshelley back in college. they were awesome. I wrote Keatshelley pastiches. I fantasized going back in time and telling their little group all about how things had turned out, playing them everything from Skating Away to School's Out to One of Us. Yeah, I was fucked up.
So I tried reading him again today. I couldn't make it through three stanzas, of Ode to a Nightingale, so I tried again, and again. But all I could think was:
"God, he's so fucking emo."
Then, God help me, the question came unbidden, "What would they be doing today?" And I could not shut it out. And the following pretty much streamed into being in my head:
Keats: Hey, man! You’re the first one here!
Shelley: Awesome. Um, hey, Johnny, this is my girlfriend, Mary.
Keats: Oh, hey! Nice to meet you!
Mary: Nice to meet you!!
Keats: Yeah, Percy’s told me all about you.
Mary: [Canoodling Shelley] Awwww!!
Keats: So, um, so you roleplay?
Mary: No! But Percy’s told me all about it, ands it sounds sooo coool! ::bounce::
Keats: Cool! Dude, we’ve got awhile before George gets here, why don’t you help her make a character?
Shelley: Um. Okay. Well, we’re playing Archons: the Fallen. We play these angels-
Keats: Archons!
Shelley: Right, well, these archons, that are like angels, but, uh, not. And we have to wander the Irth gaining Redemption while trying to avoid gaining Corruption.
Mary: Wow! Can I be an angel of dreams? That would be so awesome!
Keats: An Archon of the Dominion of Morpheus.
[Doorbell rings]
Keats: I’ll get it, that’s probably George.
Shelley: Okay. Well, sure, you can play that. Here, you’ve got seven points to arrange on these stats…
Byron: [Entering with Keats] Yo, dude! Hey, who’s the chippie?
Shelley: Oh, hey, man. This is my girlfriend, Mary.
Byron: Fuckin’ A, man! See what happens when you leave your bedroom?
Shelley: Mary, this is George.
Byron: Fuck you, man!
Shelley: Oh, right, sorry. George likes to be called Byron.
Mary: That’s cool! Um, why?
Byron: Because Byron’s cool, duh!
Keats: Okay, Mary, is your character finished?
Byron: Oh, fuck, no, man, you’re not bringin’ your girlfriend in that game, are you?
Shelley: Well, come on, dude, you were just complaining last week about how there aren’t enough girls playing.
Byron: What’s ‘cause I want some chicks to hit on! It’s not doing me any good to have your girl here. You two wimp down the game enough. [to Mary] No offense.
Mary: Well I’m not going to wimp down the game, Mister Byron…
Byron: That’s Lord Byron!
Mary: [pause] Is he serious?
Shelley: Well, yeah…
Mary: You call him that?
Shelley: No. Not… much.
Keats: Yeah, usually we just say “dude.”
Mary: Okay, you guys call each other whatever. Do I have to fill out all these skills now?”
Keats: No, we can introduce you now, you can settle on that later. I don’t use the numbers much anyway.
Byron: That’s ‘cause he always pussies out when a fight comes up.
Shelley: Dude, I’m playing an Archon of Suffering, I have to cherish whatever punishment anyone wants to give me!
Byron: Fine, so you’re not a pussy, your character is.
Mary: What kind of angel are you playing?
Keats: Archon!
Byron: I’m not! I’m playing a Wamphyr!
Mary: Oh. I didn’t know you could play that!
Keats: Well, it’s from another game…
Byron: Yeah! I’m playing my character from Wamphyr: The Angst! She’s a lesbian Baristess of Clan Elwyrd - the Carnal Wamphyrs!
Mary: Wow, that sounds kind of cool!
Byron: Yeah, and it’s a good thing, because nobody else in this game can do shit, they just sit around bemoaning everything.
Shelly: Archon of Suffering! Which word didn’t you understand?
Mary: Well I’m going to do stuff!
Keats: Yes you are! Okay, um.. what’s your character’s name?
Mary: Melanaysia!
Keats: Wow, that’s pretty cool! Okay, well, you’ve just completed the Trial of Silver Fire and been found worthy of assignment on Irth. You’re going to be partnered with an experienced Archon, who will guide you as you learn the ways of mortals.
[to Shelley] Okay, so Silenus has been given an opportunity to serve the Presence.
Shelley: Awesome! That’s gonna be some sweet Redemption!
Keats: Yeah, since you’ve avoided Corruption for the past three games, your assignment will be to guide one of the Unfallen as she learns the ways of the mortal realm.
Shelley: What? You’re letting her play an Unfallen?
Keats: Well, dude, it’s only for one game, right?
Mary: Oh. [looks disappointed]
Keats: Um, well. I mean, I didn’t know you wanted to play a regular character. I thought you were just here because you were hanging out with Percy.
Mary: Oh, no, I’ve been wanting to play for ages!
Keats: Oh. Well, dude, do you mind her playing an Unfallen?
Shelley: Uh, well, I guess not. I was just surprised, that’s all.
Keats: What about you, Byron?
Byron: Look, I don’t care what you guys do, I’m here for blood and love!
Mary: Yaaay!!!!
Keats: Okay, then, so you two can interact.
Byron: Am I there?
Keats: Did Silenus bring Camilla?
Shelley: Uh, sure, why not? He doesn’t have Drive Car, so he can use a ride.
Keats: Okay, so you are presented with your new charge, Melanaysia. Um, can you describe her?
Mary: Um, okay, so she looks kinda like a young Avril Lavigne, with loooong hair in Princess Leia braids.
Byron: You mean those buns?
Mary: No, like in Jedi.
Keats: [pause] You mean Slave Girl Leia?
Mary: Yeah!
Shelley: Does… she wear the rest of the outfit, too?
Mary: Ew, gross! Of course not! No, she’s wearing practical stuff, like explorer stuff.
Byron: Like... uh… Lara Kroft?
Mary: I guess…
Byron: Oh, hells yeah! Camilla steps up. “Hey, angel!” she says with a smile. “Welcome to Irth!” And she’s got an 8 Appeal.
Keats: Don’t lie, she’s only got like a 5!
Byron: She’s using Preternatural Smarminess 3.
Shelley: That only works on guys!
Byron: It works on anyone who’d find her attractive.
Keats: [exchanged glances with Shelley] Um. Mary, is your character… into… girls?
Mary: Well, why not? She’s an Archon, right? She’s a spiritual creature, so why should physical gender mean anything to her?
Byron: That’s what I’m sayin’!
Mary: [to Byron] “Thank you! Can you show me around?”
Byron: “Oh, I got plenty of sights for you to see!”
Mary: “Well, that’s good. And I can help make your dreams come true!”
Byron: “That’s what I’m countin’ on!” Camilla tells Selinus he can ride in the back seat.
Shelley: Um… babe, I’m a little uncomfortable with this.
Mary: It’s just a game, Percy!
Byron: Yeah, man, stop being such so damn insecure. [to Keats] I pump The Misfits on the car speakers!