they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
i dont often remember my dreams, but i do often wake up wide-eyed, trembling, and covered in sweat. sometimes i'm crying. the fear usually disappears after sitting up in bed, chain smoking cigarettes for about half an hour. then i can allow myself to doze off again. in this time, i usually end up waking up my dog to alleviate the lonely fear that attacks and invades my brain's outer walls. oblivious to the fear or feelings of loneliness, he falls back asleep shortly, his eyes betraying his contempt for my intrusion. to me, he seems to personify the classic cliche, ignorance is bliss.
two weeks ago i lost my job. i left classes, not minding the loss of money. after i blew the last of my account on groceries, i boarded up my door. the windows were next. i do not know why i did this, except for out of fear. a feeling that something on the outside wants to get in and it wants to get me. nameless, faceless, as all fears tend to be. my mind becomes like a child's, every sound and noise around me is fear waiting to get in. maybe i'm only afraid of fear, the enemy of my psyche. my old friends have stopped calling, the phone is silent. my wife left me long ago. before i lost the job. i could blame in on her, but that would be taking the moral low road.
continued later
two weeks ago i lost my job. i left classes, not minding the loss of money. after i blew the last of my account on groceries, i boarded up my door. the windows were next. i do not know why i did this, except for out of fear. a feeling that something on the outside wants to get in and it wants to get me. nameless, faceless, as all fears tend to be. my mind becomes like a child's, every sound and noise around me is fear waiting to get in. maybe i'm only afraid of fear, the enemy of my psyche. my old friends have stopped calling, the phone is silent. my wife left me long ago. before i lost the job. i could blame in on her, but that would be taking the moral low road.
continued later