Yelling down a well, again.
https://medium.com/@sarascott/depression-and-being-a-flake-f7829133fe8a
Excerpt from this person's blog: Acceptance is lovely in theory, but it doesn’t address how my behavior affects other people. And I like other people. I want to not suck at being part of the human hive. If I go giving myself a break every time I screw up plans because I don’t feel like doing them, if I start to think that’s okay, I will end up alone.
You may be thinking, “Geez, plans are not that big a deal sometimes. Lighten up.” Okay. But have you ever had a friend who was a flake? I’ve heard tons of people complain about that. I’ve done it. “She’s always an hour late; that’s so inconsiderate.” “You can invite him, but you know he won’t come, so I wouldn’t waste your time.” “I’m sick of being canceled on, so I don’t call her anymore.”
It’s not fun to be jerked around. I don’t blame people for deciding to not bother anymore. But if I just accept that that’s going to be what repeatedly happens to me, as a serial plan-ditcher, I’m looking at a lonely future. There are already numerous fizzled-out friendships in my life. Can you blame me for wanting to fix the problem - me?
I don’t know the answer. I’m not looking for one at the moment. I just want to write it down. I want to say what I’ve thought so many times:
I hate myself when I act like this. I hate trying to take care of myself by canceling something, but then feeling like a total asshole for it. I hate that I know I’m going to feel awful and having to choose to let it happen. It’s not like I don’t already feel bad enough that I’m canceling something. Now I have to feel worse on top of it.
And I hate that most people I know, people who seem normal and well-adjusted and have endless social energy and just get to walk around enjoying life… I hate that I can’t explain this to them. I hate that this struggle is a secret because I think it makes people feel uncomfortable to talk about it if they haven’t experienced it. I hate feeling like a hypersensitive, overthinking weirdo. I hate that look on someone’s face when they are trying to be helpful and they advise me to relax, just… let it go.
So that's one take on the flake issue. I can relate. I cannot relate to everything written in that blog entry, but the above excerpt resonates with me pretty well.
But so, yeah... here's what I am coming around to understanding. I keep flaking because I am maxed out, and I am putting pressure on myself to operate by standards not of my own creation, and not possible for me to live up to. Society values a kind of time management that I can't get into, can't live my life by. And yet I have to honor those time management values that are the norm, the standard, because I need to honor and respect other people's time.
However... where other people's time is not concerned, or where other people are willing to compromise as far as how we make plans to spend time together, here is the way it's gotta be for me and my time:
I need to be spontaneous moreso than advanced-plan-making, I need to avoid making plans I can't keep, I need to be unapologetic about giving myself the time I need, I need to recognize that I manage time differently from the way our culture wants me to manage time. I need a lot of me-time. I need time to make things, and write things, and think things, and walk around admiring things, and I mostly need to do those things by myself. Most of the time I have is dedicated to those activities, and all the rest of my time is dedicated to work, sleep, and therapy.
Those are my priorities. Beyond that, about once or twice a week I like to spend time with a friend, and about once or twice a week I enjoy talking to a friend on the phone, and a couple times a week I get to enjoy a little down-time with my roommate(s).
Everything else that I have wanted to and tried to commit to WOULD be a priority if I had a) the time left after all of the above activities and b) the energy to expend and c) the faith in myself and d) the energy.
Energy is a big one here. Even when I might have the spare time to dedicate to something beyond my basic day-to-day activities, I often lack the energy to follow through on the "extracurriculars" we'll call them. Everything that I am already doing in my daily life is quite stimulating and requires a lot of concentration. And I am a DEPTH person more so than a BREADTH person. I don't actually thrive at multi-tasking, and I don't enjoy it. That is a huge thing for me to admit. I don't want to multi-task or be a jill of all trades. I want to zoom in on the tasks that require care, nurture, attention, problem-solving, and a little bit of tunnel vision. I want to simplify. I want to do my thing, and do it well, and not feel pressured to add more to my plate.
I need to give myself permission to spend my time on myself, with myself, taking care of myself. I need to say NO to what doesn't fit. Even at the risk of losing friends or hurting feelings. If I say NO to that which I do not have time for, and if I start making plans more spontaneously and also start making plans that fit into my energy and sleep and me-time needs, maybe I can cure myself of flakiness tendencies. And I have lost way more friends and hurt way more people's feelings by flaking on them than by telling them NO in the first place.