If you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down...
Type your cut contents here.
So I just finished the book blankets and got really depressed as a result. It is a graphic novel mostly about innoncence and finding our way with people by stumbling around in the dark. Anyhow it bothered me because I felt like i was looking back on a portrait of myself and realizing how little I appreciated having someone there for me when I really needed it. I think I've been scared for a long time and every time this has manifested itself in me, I'm shielded away from it. I feel like I've undervalued the people closest to me over time. I really don't like this.
Life is a gigantic jumbled mess. Even in the midst of doing all the things I've gotten myself hooked into, I feel as if I'm not getting anywhere. I always have to be on a schedule, I never have free time for me. I just follow the courses of action that decide where I'm supposed to be and why. I really don't like this. I need a break where people aren't expecting something from me. Where friends don't want to hang out every night, where homework is not constantly catching up with me, or I'm slipping on my obligations to get work finished up for Guatemala or Relay. I need a few days away at the Abbey. I need to be isolated and reminded of who I am without the hundreds of strands of existance that are tied to me.
I also have been getting mad at myself for not doing the things that I want to do. I don't have time to write the way I want to. I started too the other day and I erased it all because the form of it was terrible. I just felt so disconnected. Likewise, I can still have some basic conversation in swedish, but it's been difficult and I need to keep practicing, something I haven't had time for so far. I stopped running for almost a week and a half, and I haven't done anything to prepare myself for piano tomorrow. I really wish I could just get all of this shit together.
I don't know where this came from, maybe a book or something, but yesterday I really had the urge to know how to stop caring. To be evil, not to have to feel anymore. I just want to be able to be completely selfish and not give a damn about what I am doing or how it affects the world around me. I've only dissasociated myself from everything twice. The idea of evil goes too far, but I think of it as just being selfish without feeling guilty about it. Freshman year and Sweden. The only two times I broke lose from things, was horribly self destructive and managed to survive somehow knowing a lot more about myself then I would have liked at times.
In a few months I graduate. I don't know what the purpose or meaning for my life is. I'm not sure anyone does. It bothers me to an extent, but I am putting in an application at UofL, so I will have something to do with the the area of science that I'm interested in. I suppose that is something. I just wish I had something I could believe in that was pushing me. I feel rather listless right now and it's not very flattering.
I miss my international friends. I hope May gets here soon so I get to see them...I really might cry when I see them. I need to get my tatoo when I have my tax return.
I'm out of energy to keep writing. Hope all is well