Eurovision 2013
I dunno, without a proper Song for Europe-style competition to choose the nation's entrants for Eurovision, it seems a bit harder to get behind the UK's efforts these days. At least back in the day, even if the Great British Public voted for crap, at least it was something that they voted for. Unlike the past few years where we've just been told "Right, it's [insert singer here] singing [insert song here]". And okay, last year we had Englebert and this year we've got Bonnie, so you can't say we're not trying for quality (oi, stop laughing at the back there!), but it hardly scores high in the generating excitement stakes, does it?
Anyway, to Sweden! I purposefully kept away from all of this year's entries so that I wouldn't form any prior judgements on them (the only thing I heard from this year's competition at all was Elitsa and Stoyan's entry for Bulgaria, which was good, but not a patch on "Water", their 2007 effort, and didn't make it to the grand final), so here are my thoughts on each of the night's 26 songs.
1) France. Amandine Bourgeois, "L'enfer et Moi".
Graham says there's a bit of the Courtney Love going on here. I can see that. Sounds like a cross between Anastasia and Skin from Skunk Anansie. A decent song, superbly performed, but as Graham says it will likely get forgotten in the voting. They really needed a stage invasion like Spain had a couple of years ago.
8/10
2) Lithuania. Andrius Pojavis, "Something".
A definite Barney Sumner guitar riff running through this one. Love the lyrics, though. "Because of my shoes I'm wearing today, one is called love, the other is pain". So goff! Overall, harmless fluff.
6/10
3) Moldova. Aliona Moon, "O Mie".
Paging Aliona: A Flock of Seagulls would like their hairstyle back. Looks and sounds like she's auditioning for a singing role in "Fifth Element: The Musical". Powerful stuff, but is it actually any good? Sort-of.
7/10
4) Finland. Krista Siegfrids, "Marry me".
Wonderful intro from Graham, "if two girls kissing offends you then you need to grow up." The song itself is shameless bouncepop, catchy in an instantly forgettable way, and puts the cause of female emancipation back at least 30 years. Apparently, the kiss between the singer and one of the backing singers has caused such controversy that Turkey are not showing this particular performance. Graham has this one right.
6/10
5) Spain. ESDM, "Contigo Hasta El Final (With You Until The End)".
Hmm. Bagpipes. Played as if they're Uilleans. Different. Hmm, canary yellow. Sounds like they got the Lovely Corrs in to do this one. Not bad, in the same way a dull grey day in May is "nod bad" if it's dry.
6/10
6) Belgium. Roberto Bellarosa, "Love Kills".
I can already guarantee it's not going to be a patch on Freddie Mercury's song of the same name. Paging Roberto: Chris De Burgh would like his eyebrows back. This wouldn't sound out of place coming from any series of the X Factor, and it almost wouldn't matter whether it was being performed by a male or female, solo or group. Blandly catchy, but ultimately unmarinated musical tofu.
5/10
7) Estonia. Birgit, "Ey Uus Saaks Alguse".
A shameless piano-led power ballad from the Celine Dion school of power ballads. Decent, excellently performed but, ultimately, hugely forgettable.
6/10
8) Belarus. Alyona Lanskaya, "Solayoh".
Definitely going for the summer hit market with a mix of eastern European and Mediterranean beats. Sounds like a combination of Spice Up Your Life and Las Ketchup. Would have been a huge hit in 2003.
5/10
9) Malta. Gianluca, "Tomorrow".
A Maltese Mumford & Sons, all brushed drums, Ukelele and acoustic fretless bass. Sweet, simple and utterly unlike anything that would be in with any chance of winning Eurovision, which is a shame.
7/10
10) Russia. Dina Garipova, "What If?"
A perfectly competent power ballad. Unfortunately, my ears hear the song, my brain however translates this into "My Heart Will Go On". Ooooh, utterly gratuitous key change. Astonishingly ubiquitous and forgettable.
5/10
11) Germany. Cascada, "Glorious"
Yes, that Cascada. Bouncy Europop that wouldn't have sounded out of place in an Ibiza club 10 years ago. Not bad.
7/10
12) Armenia. Dorians, "Lonely Planet".
Written by Tommy Iommi, apparently. Not one of his masterpieces. My brain is translating this one into "Winds of Change". Another one guilty of a gratuitous key change. Not bad, but definitely not a classic.
6/10
13) The Netherlands. Anouk, "Birds".
Graham said this was very Lana Del Ray. While I can hear that, she sounds a bit more like a more world-weary Judy Collins to these ears. A big change from what has gone before, a big change in pace and style. Good song, well performed.
8/10
14) Romania. Cezar, "It's My Life".
I can pretty much guarantee it's not going to be anything like the Dr Alban classic. Astonishing coat. A powerful start, good vocals, and... wtf? *blink* No, seriously, wtf?
Romania?
What are you doing?
Romania?
STAHP!
.
.
.
In all fairness, I don't think I'm qualified to give this a mark. 0_o
15) UK. Bonnie Tyler, "Believe In Me".
The UK has been holding out for a Eurovision hero since 1997, when an American won it for us. We've tried crap, crapper and campest, none of which won, so now we try British Rock Royalty. Sadly, they didn't give her a song worthy of her talents. She gives it some wellie, though.
6/10 for effort.
16) Sweden. Robin Stjernberg, "You".
First appearances would seem to suggest that they have successfully cloned Morton Harket. Again, Sweden have produced another successful distillation of everything that is modern pop. Decent enough, but what is with the clone dancers? Very odd ending, seems to end mid-way through the final chorus.
6/10
17) Hungary. Bye Alex, "Kedvesem".
He's a Hungarian Hipster. You've probably never heard of him. And will probably never hear of him again. Harmless fluff.
6/10
18) Denmark. Emmelie de Forest, "Only Teardrops".
The drummers are very reminiscent of "Running Up That Hill", and are a memorable visual clue for voters. The tin whistle running through the song is an audio clue for voters. The song is just catchy enough, the singer is just pretty enough, for people to remember it long enough to vote for it. Not tremendously good, but I can see why it won.
7/10
19) Iceland. Eythor Ingi, "Eg á lif".
Starts off slow and quiet, and takes far too long to build up to the hand-waving, lighter-in-the-air anthem that it should have been from the get-go. And yet another song guilty of the gratuitous key change. Wasted opportunity for something epic.
6/10, but could easily have been 8.
20) Azerbaijan. Farid Mammadov, "Hold Me".
They have a dancer in a clear perspex box who looks like a cross between Joey from Friends and Captain Jack Harkness. And they missed an opportunity with the rose petals, they should have been gold and silver tokens. And what, exactly, is the girl in the red there for? Utterly, utterly forgettable.
5/10
21) Greece. Koza Mostra & Karl Agathon Iakovidis, "Alcohol is Free".
Finally, an absolutely mad bounce-around Eurovision song in the great old tradition. There's a definite Gogol Bordello feel going through this one. Fantastic. Not the best song of the night, but certainly the most fun and the most memorable.
7/10
22) Ukraine. Zlata Ognevich, "Gravity".
One word: Hodor. Seriously, Hodor. Because the alternative is that it's the Mountain that Rides, which would make her Cersei. What about the song? Yet another one that would not sound out of place in a Celine Dion concert, which tells you everything you need to know.
6/10.
23) Italy. Marco Mengoni, "L'Essenziale".
A bloke in a suit on a stage singing a song. A bloke that looks like a cross between a very young Peter Andre and a very young Swiss Toni. Somehow, this has already been a major hit. Comes across more like a 3rd-place X-Factor performance than a Eurovision winner. Perfectly forgettable.
6/10
24) Norway. Margaret Berger, "I Feed You My Love".
Impressive industrial-lite symphonic rock. Best song of the night, without a doubt. Also, Margaret is utterly stunning.
9/10
25) Georgia. Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani, "Waterfall".
Yet another standard and forgettable power ballad, with yet another gratuitous key change half-way through.
6/10
26) Ireland. Ryan Dolan, "Only Love Survives".
Backed by drumming dancers that look like they've escaped from some bizzare Cuchullain-inspired gay club, this is a perfectly competent piece of disco-friendly dance power-pop, let down only by some bog-standard backing singing.
7/10
An odd little mini-doc about Bonnie Tyler, and we're into the mid-show break. When Finland hosted in 2007, they had Apocalyptica and all sorts of epic weird wonderfulness. What delights have Sweden got lined up for us?
Ah.
OK.
Right.
That was ... truly, stunningly awful. A dire cabaret song&dance act that really wouldn't have been out of place in an episode of 3-2-1. Though it does get plus points for the gay marriage thing (seems to be a theme running through tonight's programme). And for a mention of the Swedish Chef. Bork bork!
Overall, the voting was about what we've come to expect. I thought Ireland would have got more than that (still, at least it wasn't nul points) and it was surprising to see Malta as high as it got. In the end, though, I think Denmark won not necessarily because it was the greatest and best song of the night (it wasn't, imnsho) but for all the reasons already listed: everything about it was just memorable enough to stick in viewers' minds.
So, Eurovision 2013 will, I think, probably end up forgotten as one of the most bland and musically insipid Eurovisions ever, eclipsing even some of the monstrosities from the '70s. Historically, Eurovision stands out because of songs/performances that are one (or more) of three things: absolutely superb, absolutely insane, or absolutely terrible. There were no absolutely terrible songs or performances, only a couple that could generously be called superb, and only one that quite nearly qualifies as insane. Overall, this will probably only be remembered (if at all) for two same-sex kisses.
And far too many gratuitous key-changes.
Anyway, to Sweden! I purposefully kept away from all of this year's entries so that I wouldn't form any prior judgements on them (the only thing I heard from this year's competition at all was Elitsa and Stoyan's entry for Bulgaria, which was good, but not a patch on "Water", their 2007 effort, and didn't make it to the grand final), so here are my thoughts on each of the night's 26 songs.
1) France. Amandine Bourgeois, "L'enfer et Moi".
Graham says there's a bit of the Courtney Love going on here. I can see that. Sounds like a cross between Anastasia and Skin from Skunk Anansie. A decent song, superbly performed, but as Graham says it will likely get forgotten in the voting. They really needed a stage invasion like Spain had a couple of years ago.
8/10
2) Lithuania. Andrius Pojavis, "Something".
A definite Barney Sumner guitar riff running through this one. Love the lyrics, though. "Because of my shoes I'm wearing today, one is called love, the other is pain". So goff! Overall, harmless fluff.
6/10
3) Moldova. Aliona Moon, "O Mie".
Paging Aliona: A Flock of Seagulls would like their hairstyle back. Looks and sounds like she's auditioning for a singing role in "Fifth Element: The Musical". Powerful stuff, but is it actually any good? Sort-of.
7/10
4) Finland. Krista Siegfrids, "Marry me".
Wonderful intro from Graham, "if two girls kissing offends you then you need to grow up." The song itself is shameless bouncepop, catchy in an instantly forgettable way, and puts the cause of female emancipation back at least 30 years. Apparently, the kiss between the singer and one of the backing singers has caused such controversy that Turkey are not showing this particular performance. Graham has this one right.
6/10
5) Spain. ESDM, "Contigo Hasta El Final (With You Until The End)".
Hmm. Bagpipes. Played as if they're Uilleans. Different. Hmm, canary yellow. Sounds like they got the Lovely Corrs in to do this one. Not bad, in the same way a dull grey day in May is "nod bad" if it's dry.
6/10
6) Belgium. Roberto Bellarosa, "Love Kills".
I can already guarantee it's not going to be a patch on Freddie Mercury's song of the same name. Paging Roberto: Chris De Burgh would like his eyebrows back. This wouldn't sound out of place coming from any series of the X Factor, and it almost wouldn't matter whether it was being performed by a male or female, solo or group. Blandly catchy, but ultimately unmarinated musical tofu.
5/10
7) Estonia. Birgit, "Ey Uus Saaks Alguse".
A shameless piano-led power ballad from the Celine Dion school of power ballads. Decent, excellently performed but, ultimately, hugely forgettable.
6/10
8) Belarus. Alyona Lanskaya, "Solayoh".
Definitely going for the summer hit market with a mix of eastern European and Mediterranean beats. Sounds like a combination of Spice Up Your Life and Las Ketchup. Would have been a huge hit in 2003.
5/10
9) Malta. Gianluca, "Tomorrow".
A Maltese Mumford & Sons, all brushed drums, Ukelele and acoustic fretless bass. Sweet, simple and utterly unlike anything that would be in with any chance of winning Eurovision, which is a shame.
7/10
10) Russia. Dina Garipova, "What If?"
A perfectly competent power ballad. Unfortunately, my ears hear the song, my brain however translates this into "My Heart Will Go On". Ooooh, utterly gratuitous key change. Astonishingly ubiquitous and forgettable.
5/10
11) Germany. Cascada, "Glorious"
Yes, that Cascada. Bouncy Europop that wouldn't have sounded out of place in an Ibiza club 10 years ago. Not bad.
7/10
12) Armenia. Dorians, "Lonely Planet".
Written by Tommy Iommi, apparently. Not one of his masterpieces. My brain is translating this one into "Winds of Change". Another one guilty of a gratuitous key change. Not bad, but definitely not a classic.
6/10
13) The Netherlands. Anouk, "Birds".
Graham said this was very Lana Del Ray. While I can hear that, she sounds a bit more like a more world-weary Judy Collins to these ears. A big change from what has gone before, a big change in pace and style. Good song, well performed.
8/10
14) Romania. Cezar, "It's My Life".
I can pretty much guarantee it's not going to be anything like the Dr Alban classic. Astonishing coat. A powerful start, good vocals, and... wtf? *blink* No, seriously, wtf?
Romania?
What are you doing?
Romania?
STAHP!
.
.
.
In all fairness, I don't think I'm qualified to give this a mark. 0_o
15) UK. Bonnie Tyler, "Believe In Me".
The UK has been holding out for a Eurovision hero since 1997, when an American won it for us. We've tried crap, crapper and campest, none of which won, so now we try British Rock Royalty. Sadly, they didn't give her a song worthy of her talents. She gives it some wellie, though.
6/10 for effort.
16) Sweden. Robin Stjernberg, "You".
First appearances would seem to suggest that they have successfully cloned Morton Harket. Again, Sweden have produced another successful distillation of everything that is modern pop. Decent enough, but what is with the clone dancers? Very odd ending, seems to end mid-way through the final chorus.
6/10
17) Hungary. Bye Alex, "Kedvesem".
He's a Hungarian Hipster. You've probably never heard of him. And will probably never hear of him again. Harmless fluff.
6/10
18) Denmark. Emmelie de Forest, "Only Teardrops".
The drummers are very reminiscent of "Running Up That Hill", and are a memorable visual clue for voters. The tin whistle running through the song is an audio clue for voters. The song is just catchy enough, the singer is just pretty enough, for people to remember it long enough to vote for it. Not tremendously good, but I can see why it won.
7/10
19) Iceland. Eythor Ingi, "Eg á lif".
Starts off slow and quiet, and takes far too long to build up to the hand-waving, lighter-in-the-air anthem that it should have been from the get-go. And yet another song guilty of the gratuitous key change. Wasted opportunity for something epic.
6/10, but could easily have been 8.
20) Azerbaijan. Farid Mammadov, "Hold Me".
They have a dancer in a clear perspex box who looks like a cross between Joey from Friends and Captain Jack Harkness. And they missed an opportunity with the rose petals, they should have been gold and silver tokens. And what, exactly, is the girl in the red there for? Utterly, utterly forgettable.
5/10
21) Greece. Koza Mostra & Karl Agathon Iakovidis, "Alcohol is Free".
Finally, an absolutely mad bounce-around Eurovision song in the great old tradition. There's a definite Gogol Bordello feel going through this one. Fantastic. Not the best song of the night, but certainly the most fun and the most memorable.
7/10
22) Ukraine. Zlata Ognevich, "Gravity".
One word: Hodor. Seriously, Hodor. Because the alternative is that it's the Mountain that Rides, which would make her Cersei. What about the song? Yet another one that would not sound out of place in a Celine Dion concert, which tells you everything you need to know.
6/10.
23) Italy. Marco Mengoni, "L'Essenziale".
A bloke in a suit on a stage singing a song. A bloke that looks like a cross between a very young Peter Andre and a very young Swiss Toni. Somehow, this has already been a major hit. Comes across more like a 3rd-place X-Factor performance than a Eurovision winner. Perfectly forgettable.
6/10
24) Norway. Margaret Berger, "I Feed You My Love".
Impressive industrial-lite symphonic rock. Best song of the night, without a doubt. Also, Margaret is utterly stunning.
9/10
25) Georgia. Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani, "Waterfall".
Yet another standard and forgettable power ballad, with yet another gratuitous key change half-way through.
6/10
26) Ireland. Ryan Dolan, "Only Love Survives".
Backed by drumming dancers that look like they've escaped from some bizzare Cuchullain-inspired gay club, this is a perfectly competent piece of disco-friendly dance power-pop, let down only by some bog-standard backing singing.
7/10
An odd little mini-doc about Bonnie Tyler, and we're into the mid-show break. When Finland hosted in 2007, they had Apocalyptica and all sorts of epic weird wonderfulness. What delights have Sweden got lined up for us?
Ah.
OK.
Right.
That was ... truly, stunningly awful. A dire cabaret song&dance act that really wouldn't have been out of place in an episode of 3-2-1. Though it does get plus points for the gay marriage thing (seems to be a theme running through tonight's programme). And for a mention of the Swedish Chef. Bork bork!
Overall, the voting was about what we've come to expect. I thought Ireland would have got more than that (still, at least it wasn't nul points) and it was surprising to see Malta as high as it got. In the end, though, I think Denmark won not necessarily because it was the greatest and best song of the night (it wasn't, imnsho) but for all the reasons already listed: everything about it was just memorable enough to stick in viewers' minds.
So, Eurovision 2013 will, I think, probably end up forgotten as one of the most bland and musically insipid Eurovisions ever, eclipsing even some of the monstrosities from the '70s. Historically, Eurovision stands out because of songs/performances that are one (or more) of three things: absolutely superb, absolutely insane, or absolutely terrible. There were no absolutely terrible songs or performances, only a couple that could generously be called superb, and only one that quite nearly qualifies as insane. Overall, this will probably only be remembered (if at all) for two same-sex kisses.
And far too many gratuitous key-changes.