Feh.
Bloody fucking hell, what is with me?
I know i'm horrendously ADDish and fucking be damned if I can pay attention to much for long without having to be doing a few other things at the same time, but god damn, i'm not usually this bad. Fuck.
Bloody lately, jeez. Tryin' to play OS (nevermind fucking Hollow, not a minute in and i'm too bored to put up with it) has been, well fuck, it's been hard, hasn't been impossible, but it's been bloody hard. And jesus fuck, it sure as hell ain't nice to the other people i'm tryin' to play with when I space out or forget i'm even there cause i'm too distracted by nothing in particular.
I need some drugs. Sweet ol' Mary J to relax the hyperactive mind and let me focus. I can actually write better when i'm tokin' away, cause my thoughts aren't so bloody jumbled and jumping from one thing to the next before i'm done pondering the last idea I was having.
Tryin' to write up a bio for this game set in the Anita Blake-verse that Lancey's on, bloody what would take me maybe an hour at most has taken me two days now. Jumbled thoughts every-fucking where. I knew what I wanted to say, knew what the whole thing was about, I just couldn't organize those ideas proper for me flitting from one to the next with no ryhme or reason to which one was takin' the lead in my head. It's done, finally, I think. I fucking hope. I'm probably being too thourough too.
Eh, can't bloody sleep either. Ain't helping anything. Bloody getting anxious now since I haven't really slept in a week. Got up yesterday angry for no reason and anxious to boot. That was bloody irritating. So of course, already being angry, then being irritated at my inability to find a reason why just fed a vicious circle. I wanted to throw up but I couldn't. Wasn't anything in the stomach most of the day to throw up anyway and i'd rather keep at least one meal down than none.
I've almost gone through a case of coke in the past day. Trying to fend off that exausted feeling that just makes me ill and waiting for it all to come to a head so I can collapse in bed and sleep for a day straight. A pitiful excuse of a respite from the cycle I can't seem to get out of. I try to sleep. Been goin' to bed earlier than I used to, not goin' out of my way to stay up until my back was too sore to even consider being up any longer. Layin' down. Fuck. Then I just end up watchin' movies or shitty early morning tele until i'm too restless to stay in bed any longer. Up I get, back to the computer, back to my games, back to forgetting to eat until I can't stand it anymore. I don't even notice i'm hungry anymore until it hurts. Sometimes I get lucky I guess, sometimes I get too hungry all the time and despite not being able to eat as much as my body wants, all I want to do is eat and eat. Fuckiff that's not good for the thoughts. I end up thinking constantly about all these things I want to eat but don't have, then nothing feels satisfying anymore. Fuckin' food. Stop tasting so damn good. Or, at least, get in my bloody fridge.
Feh, neck's been hurting too. Already had the vertebrae audibly pop a few times, ain't help much. Neither has this advil, but i'll take more anyway. I probably need to lay down but I don't wanna, I know i'm gonna be bored outta my skull, and I may as well wait until my energy rush has dimmed down enough to make me drowsy at least. Least then I can drift through the tele shows without really paying attention, I can stand it that way. For a while at least. Enough time for my muscles to relax so I can get back to wasting my life away.
If I wasn't me, i'd be able to hop a bus and go meet people, spend some time away from Guelph, and maybe from Canada. But that's too bloody hard right now. Hard when you need someone to give you a ride to the airport, bus station, train station. Whatever. Even then, I can't carry much by myself. Fucking joints. Fucking wheelchair. Fucking sickness. Heh, even if I do get well enough to get rid of this fucking chair, I ain't supposed to lift much by myself anyway. Supposed to avoid stress at all costs cause it'll make me flare up. Ladifucking da, swelling around the organs or letting life pass me by. Sorry organs. Who's the fucking brilliant shithead who came up with that recommendation anyway? Ain't possible to avoid all stress and I sure as hell ain't gonna go out of my way just to put myself into some overly dull existence. It's already dull enough, thanks. I'll take my suffering with a bitter grin.
I need a fucking cigarette. Fucking snow.
I know i'm horrendously ADDish and fucking be damned if I can pay attention to much for long without having to be doing a few other things at the same time, but god damn, i'm not usually this bad. Fuck.
Bloody lately, jeez. Tryin' to play OS (nevermind fucking Hollow, not a minute in and i'm too bored to put up with it) has been, well fuck, it's been hard, hasn't been impossible, but it's been bloody hard. And jesus fuck, it sure as hell ain't nice to the other people i'm tryin' to play with when I space out or forget i'm even there cause i'm too distracted by nothing in particular.
I need some drugs. Sweet ol' Mary J to relax the hyperactive mind and let me focus. I can actually write better when i'm tokin' away, cause my thoughts aren't so bloody jumbled and jumping from one thing to the next before i'm done pondering the last idea I was having.
Tryin' to write up a bio for this game set in the Anita Blake-verse that Lancey's on, bloody what would take me maybe an hour at most has taken me two days now. Jumbled thoughts every-fucking where. I knew what I wanted to say, knew what the whole thing was about, I just couldn't organize those ideas proper for me flitting from one to the next with no ryhme or reason to which one was takin' the lead in my head. It's done, finally, I think. I fucking hope. I'm probably being too thourough too.
Eh, can't bloody sleep either. Ain't helping anything. Bloody getting anxious now since I haven't really slept in a week. Got up yesterday angry for no reason and anxious to boot. That was bloody irritating. So of course, already being angry, then being irritated at my inability to find a reason why just fed a vicious circle. I wanted to throw up but I couldn't. Wasn't anything in the stomach most of the day to throw up anyway and i'd rather keep at least one meal down than none.
I've almost gone through a case of coke in the past day. Trying to fend off that exausted feeling that just makes me ill and waiting for it all to come to a head so I can collapse in bed and sleep for a day straight. A pitiful excuse of a respite from the cycle I can't seem to get out of. I try to sleep. Been goin' to bed earlier than I used to, not goin' out of my way to stay up until my back was too sore to even consider being up any longer. Layin' down. Fuck. Then I just end up watchin' movies or shitty early morning tele until i'm too restless to stay in bed any longer. Up I get, back to the computer, back to my games, back to forgetting to eat until I can't stand it anymore. I don't even notice i'm hungry anymore until it hurts. Sometimes I get lucky I guess, sometimes I get too hungry all the time and despite not being able to eat as much as my body wants, all I want to do is eat and eat. Fuckiff that's not good for the thoughts. I end up thinking constantly about all these things I want to eat but don't have, then nothing feels satisfying anymore. Fuckin' food. Stop tasting so damn good. Or, at least, get in my bloody fridge.
Feh, neck's been hurting too. Already had the vertebrae audibly pop a few times, ain't help much. Neither has this advil, but i'll take more anyway. I probably need to lay down but I don't wanna, I know i'm gonna be bored outta my skull, and I may as well wait until my energy rush has dimmed down enough to make me drowsy at least. Least then I can drift through the tele shows without really paying attention, I can stand it that way. For a while at least. Enough time for my muscles to relax so I can get back to wasting my life away.
If I wasn't me, i'd be able to hop a bus and go meet people, spend some time away from Guelph, and maybe from Canada. But that's too bloody hard right now. Hard when you need someone to give you a ride to the airport, bus station, train station. Whatever. Even then, I can't carry much by myself. Fucking joints. Fucking wheelchair. Fucking sickness. Heh, even if I do get well enough to get rid of this fucking chair, I ain't supposed to lift much by myself anyway. Supposed to avoid stress at all costs cause it'll make me flare up. Ladifucking da, swelling around the organs or letting life pass me by. Sorry organs. Who's the fucking brilliant shithead who came up with that recommendation anyway? Ain't possible to avoid all stress and I sure as hell ain't gonna go out of my way just to put myself into some overly dull existence. It's already dull enough, thanks. I'll take my suffering with a bitter grin.
I need a fucking cigarette. Fucking snow.