Entirely Harry Potter Roleplay Related <3
Okay! So!
This isn't really a journal entry, not really.
This is mostly to stash this piece of rather weirdly written writing here for my own use, but also so I can poke it at my friend at some point, though knowing my luck I'll forget. It is 5am after all. Harharhar.
I'm hiding this under the cut, but I guess you can read it if you want to? Bear in mind is a Harry Potter rp, and I'm a fan of the boylove before you click. xD;
Basically. Because I was made aware, by the location of chocolate cake, that your Sirius likes to journal thieve, I thought I'd write up at least one journal entry for his perusal at a later date if he feels so inclined as to try and read up on Remus' internal monologue of terribly depressing thoughts and feelings. xD; So there we go!
I'm going to try and edit in a few more if I don't sleep... sleep really hates me! xD
Anyway! On with the cut!
~~~~~~~~~~
Tonight was the Christmas party.
Now... recall that tonight I was already hoping I would get to stay up in the dorm.
No such luck.
But tonight... well... it did remind me of one thing.
Tonight reminded me that I really don't like parties.
I wanted to try, because you know... I'd really like to be normal, be like the rest of you.
Be someone that can always have fun and not worry no matter what!
And when I do worry... be someone who can actually -handle- the worry.
Rather than someone who just curls into a little ball and generally just fail to myself.
Now that I think about it though... there's a lot of things going on with me now that I'm not
even slightly sure that I actually like... even a little... I mean there can't be too many, but
there are definitely a number of things that have popped un in recent times that have made
me feel more than a little disquieted with things. Maybe writing down a short list will help..?
I feel I might try it, so here we go, book of my -very- private thoughts.
My "Really don't like this" list...
I really don't like that I notice all the little things about you, you know that?
I really don't like that it's really, really clear to me when you're not smiling.
I really don't like that I want to do whatever I can to make that better, to make it right.
I really don't like that I know that no matter how much I want that, I'll never manage it.
I really don't like that when you do smile it makes me feel as if everything's alright again.
I really don't like that when you smile that one way... it makes my legs feel funny.
I really don't like that I'm a little scared of you...
I really don't like that there's this fear that I'll let you be so important, and you'll let me down.
I really don't like that I don't trust you like I really want to... but I know I'm a little... beige.
I really don't like that I actually don't mind the way you smell... I want to. James smells odd.
I really don't like that just you touching my arm can mean so much.
I really don't like that when you tell me I'm too old... I really feel it...
I really don't like that you take such a risk every month...
I really don't like that you know I'm so dangerous, that I could ruin your life.
I really don't like that... I really... really love that you actually do it anyway.
I really don't like that I think a part of me... is only saying that to one person. Scary.
I really don't like that I don't say thank you enough...
I really don't like that I don't feel confident enough to ask why you like me...
I really don't like that when you scowl... it actualy hurts a little.
I really don't like that I'm soft enough to sit and write this down...
I really don't like that no matter what... I'd never dream of saying most of this aloud.
I really don't like that I've got these... weird feelings.
I really don't like that I don't understand where they came from...
I really don't like that they utterly terrify me, and make me feel a little unwell as well.
I really don't like that I'm me some days... I wish I was utterly different in every way.
I really don't like that I'm convinced you'd like me more if I was different as well.
I really don't like that everyone else's opinions mean so much to me...
I really don't like that sometimes I feel I' have been so different if 'that' hadn't happened.
I really don't like that I think I'd have liked that me more...
I really don't like that I have scars on my arms and legs and shoulders...
I really don't like that I put them there myself.
I really don't like that I can't imagine myself being in a situation like my friends... romantically.
I really don't like that most of me... doesn't even care.
I really don't like that I let the... other me... scare me away from that.
I really don't like that part of me just wouldn't understand how... I'd probably bite by accident.
I really don't like that I'm also convinced I'd somehow just do it wrong.
I don't really like that this list has gotten so long...
I really don't like many things... do I...?
I really don't like that I had to make myself stop here... the list could just be so long...
Oh dear.
Anyway... despite the gloom... it is time for my final disclaimer.
For the record, dear reader. Unless you're me... Or someone reading while I sit beside, observing.
If I ever find out you've read this I am going to take some serious actions against you...
I swear I will.
I'll probably hex your nose of or something equally unpleasant.
Maybe I'll turn all your fingers green and lumpy. Forever.
Could you ever love someone with green lumpy fingers?
Or worse I'll force whoever the unlucky soul who read my ramblings was
to be my partener in potions. A fate worse than death I can assure you.
Isn't it sad I have to put a disclaimer like this on every page..?
You might think so.
But I personally think it is far more unwholesome that one cannot even
trust one's very best friends.
So there it is... I'm watching you!
This isn't really a journal entry, not really.
This is mostly to stash this piece of rather weirdly written writing here for my own use, but also so I can poke it at my friend at some point, though knowing my luck I'll forget. It is 5am after all. Harharhar.
I'm hiding this under the cut, but I guess you can read it if you want to? Bear in mind is a Harry Potter rp, and I'm a fan of the boylove before you click. xD;
Basically. Because I was made aware, by the location of chocolate cake, that your Sirius likes to journal thieve, I thought I'd write up at least one journal entry for his perusal at a later date if he feels so inclined as to try and read up on Remus' internal monologue of terribly depressing thoughts and feelings. xD; So there we go!
I'm going to try and edit in a few more if I don't sleep... sleep really hates me! xD
Anyway! On with the cut!
~~~~~~~~~~
Tonight was the Christmas party.
Now... recall that tonight I was already hoping I would get to stay up in the dorm.
No such luck.
But tonight... well... it did remind me of one thing.
Tonight reminded me that I really don't like parties.
I wanted to try, because you know... I'd really like to be normal, be like the rest of you.
Be someone that can always have fun and not worry no matter what!
And when I do worry... be someone who can actually -handle- the worry.
Rather than someone who just curls into a little ball and generally just fail to myself.
Now that I think about it though... there's a lot of things going on with me now that I'm not
even slightly sure that I actually like... even a little... I mean there can't be too many, but
there are definitely a number of things that have popped un in recent times that have made
me feel more than a little disquieted with things. Maybe writing down a short list will help..?
I feel I might try it, so here we go, book of my -very- private thoughts.
My "Really don't like this" list...
I really don't like that I notice all the little things about you, you know that?
I really don't like that it's really, really clear to me when you're not smiling.
I really don't like that I want to do whatever I can to make that better, to make it right.
I really don't like that I know that no matter how much I want that, I'll never manage it.
I really don't like that when you do smile it makes me feel as if everything's alright again.
I really don't like that when you smile that one way... it makes my legs feel funny.
I really don't like that I'm a little scared of you...
I really don't like that there's this fear that I'll let you be so important, and you'll let me down.
I really don't like that I don't trust you like I really want to... but I know I'm a little... beige.
I really don't like that I actually don't mind the way you smell... I want to. James smells odd.
I really don't like that just you touching my arm can mean so much.
I really don't like that when you tell me I'm too old... I really feel it...
I really don't like that you take such a risk every month...
I really don't like that you know I'm so dangerous, that I could ruin your life.
I really don't like that... I really... really love that you actually do it anyway.
I really don't like that I think a part of me... is only saying that to one person. Scary.
I really don't like that I don't say thank you enough...
I really don't like that I don't feel confident enough to ask why you like me...
I really don't like that when you scowl... it actualy hurts a little.
I really don't like that I'm soft enough to sit and write this down...
I really don't like that no matter what... I'd never dream of saying most of this aloud.
I really don't like that I've got these... weird feelings.
I really don't like that I don't understand where they came from...
I really don't like that they utterly terrify me, and make me feel a little unwell as well.
I really don't like that I'm me some days... I wish I was utterly different in every way.
I really don't like that I'm convinced you'd like me more if I was different as well.
I really don't like that everyone else's opinions mean so much to me...
I really don't like that sometimes I feel I' have been so different if 'that' hadn't happened.
I really don't like that I think I'd have liked that me more...
I really don't like that I have scars on my arms and legs and shoulders...
I really don't like that I put them there myself.
I really don't like that I can't imagine myself being in a situation like my friends... romantically.
I really don't like that most of me... doesn't even care.
I really don't like that I let the... other me... scare me away from that.
I really don't like that part of me just wouldn't understand how... I'd probably bite by accident.
I really don't like that I'm also convinced I'd somehow just do it wrong.
I don't really like that this list has gotten so long...
I really don't like many things... do I...?
I really don't like that I had to make myself stop here... the list could just be so long...
Oh dear.
Anyway... despite the gloom... it is time for my final disclaimer.
For the record, dear reader. Unless you're me... Or someone reading while I sit beside, observing.
If I ever find out you've read this I am going to take some serious actions against you...
I swear I will.
I'll probably hex your nose of or something equally unpleasant.
Maybe I'll turn all your fingers green and lumpy. Forever.
Could you ever love someone with green lumpy fingers?
Or worse I'll force whoever the unlucky soul who read my ramblings was
to be my partener in potions. A fate worse than death I can assure you.
Isn't it sad I have to put a disclaimer like this on every page..?
You might think so.
But I personally think it is far more unwholesome that one cannot even
trust one's very best friends.
So there it is... I'm watching you!