ugh.
As an intro to this entry, I'd like to say that I have always been one of generally high spirits, so do not regard this as some kind of emo post.
So the past couple of months I have found myself in a constant struggle with school, money, and the direct reletionship between the two and how those factors have almost complete control over my impending future. I have attempted to connect all of the loose ends in an attempt to regain my lost scholarship and return to the program I love, and the shcool that I hate. That being said, I have come to realize that perhaps my primary motivation for even going back to Arkansas is to retain the slight normalcy that has by no means been the guiding factor to my life, but has instilled it with a certain sense (real or not) of sanity. And I don't know if that's what I want.
The last semester at college, all I did with most of my days was daydream of returning to Texas. I can't stand my school, so all I wanted was to return to the people that I can stand. Now that I am faced with the option of busting ass for the rest of the semester, with the very real possibility of not even regaining my scholarship, or taking a year off to find out what I want, I'm lost. Is spending the rest of the summer doing summer school courses and trying to turn my grades in after the due date, in an attempt to regain funding for school, something that I really want to do?
There is a very real possibility that this year is going to be spent deciding what I want. Deciding who I am and how that will fall into place with what I do and who I become. This year will probably not be spent in school.
So this is how I figure my year will end up. I will go back to Arkansas, in school or not, for a semester, and see if that's what I want. If Arkansas is where I can come to grips with myself. If that isn't so, then maybe Texas is where I need to be to be the Daniel that I know. The person that I am happy with, alone or with others. If it isn't, then perhaps home is where I need to be. Perhaps I will have the good fortune to be recieved into the architecture school at UT. I really don't know, but perhaps the uncertainty is what I need for now. There is a distinct possibility the life I have fallen into, the linear life, that takes a certain path that is best and people should follow, isn't for me.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Finding myself is hard right now.
So the past couple of months I have found myself in a constant struggle with school, money, and the direct reletionship between the two and how those factors have almost complete control over my impending future. I have attempted to connect all of the loose ends in an attempt to regain my lost scholarship and return to the program I love, and the shcool that I hate. That being said, I have come to realize that perhaps my primary motivation for even going back to Arkansas is to retain the slight normalcy that has by no means been the guiding factor to my life, but has instilled it with a certain sense (real or not) of sanity. And I don't know if that's what I want.
The last semester at college, all I did with most of my days was daydream of returning to Texas. I can't stand my school, so all I wanted was to return to the people that I can stand. Now that I am faced with the option of busting ass for the rest of the semester, with the very real possibility of not even regaining my scholarship, or taking a year off to find out what I want, I'm lost. Is spending the rest of the summer doing summer school courses and trying to turn my grades in after the due date, in an attempt to regain funding for school, something that I really want to do?
There is a very real possibility that this year is going to be spent deciding what I want. Deciding who I am and how that will fall into place with what I do and who I become. This year will probably not be spent in school.
So this is how I figure my year will end up. I will go back to Arkansas, in school or not, for a semester, and see if that's what I want. If Arkansas is where I can come to grips with myself. If that isn't so, then maybe Texas is where I need to be to be the Daniel that I know. The person that I am happy with, alone or with others. If it isn't, then perhaps home is where I need to be. Perhaps I will have the good fortune to be recieved into the architecture school at UT. I really don't know, but perhaps the uncertainty is what I need for now. There is a distinct possibility the life I have fallen into, the linear life, that takes a certain path that is best and people should follow, isn't for me.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Finding myself is hard right now.