Words of Wisdom
* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright ... until you hear them speak.
* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
* I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify: I put 'DOCTOR.'
* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
* A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
* You're never too old to learn something stupid.
* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
* A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water
"He was at his best when the going was good." -Alistair Cooke on theDuke of Windsor[1]
"There but for the grace of God- goes God." -Winston Churchill[1]
"If I am reading this graph correctly-I'd be very surprised." -Stephen Colbert[4]
"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing-after they have tried everything else." -Winston Churchill[4]
"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." -Dorothy Parker[4]
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx[5]
"A modest man, who has much to be modest about." -Winston Churchill[5]
"She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'." -P. G. Wodehouse[5]
"I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks." -Emo Phillips[5]
"If I could say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker." -Homer Simpson[6]
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." -Mitch Hedberg[3]
"I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night." -Bill Hicks[3]
* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright ... until you hear them speak.
* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
* I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify: I put 'DOCTOR.'
* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
* A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
* You're never too old to learn something stupid.
* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
* A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water
"He was at his best when the going was good." -Alistair Cooke on theDuke of Windsor[1]
"There but for the grace of God- goes God." -Winston Churchill[1]
"If I am reading this graph correctly-I'd be very surprised." -Stephen Colbert[4]
"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing-after they have tried everything else." -Winston Churchill[4]
"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." -Dorothy Parker[4]
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx[5]
"A modest man, who has much to be modest about." -Winston Churchill[5]
"She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'." -P. G. Wodehouse[5]
"I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks." -Emo Phillips[5]
"If I could say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker." -Homer Simpson[6]
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." -Mitch Hedberg[3]
"I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night." -Bill Hicks[3]