Why are happy endings always so effing retarded?
Hollywood, you got to love it for turning the most complex plot into nothing but a five second fecal fest at the end. No matter how good the movie you always can see the ending a mile away. Shawshank Redemption, absolutely one of my favorite films, but who didn’t see that ending a mile away? Did anyone honestly think Tim Robbins would be all like “hey, yah, thanks for that hammer thingy. Uh, yah,…. I guess I will see you around even though I had a great connection with you and no family remaining.”
That’s why I am all about 12 Monkeys and Fight Club. 12 monkeys and Fight Club kicked ass because they violated every conventional norm of how a movie should end. If they did it Hollywood’s way we would see a love triangle of grab ass or 12 monkeys seeing the bad guy getting caught. This however is not how most movies end. I am going to drop just a couple suggestions to Hollywood writers before they risk and mass exodus from their shitty predictable endings.
Ending 1: guy meets girl. Guy falls in love with girl. Guy, somehow is not aware that girl will be leaving on a plane the next day even though he knows her so well and wants to marry her. This of course is combated by our lead character arriving at her arrival airport before her. Of course in typical Hollywood fashion this is followed by a big kiss with the camera spanning around the two to the crowd of dip shits that I would have easily used as a floatation device in the case of a water landing just minutes ago.
Non conventional ending 1) Blah blah blah blah, boy, blah, girl, blah. Now, when the guy gets off the plane to see the gal no one in the theater is ever like “wow! How did his plane get there faster than hers considering she took off before?” That would be a good question. (Camera spans to Hans, the gay German Air force Pilot our lead man was fellating for a ride. After all a fighter jet or Concord is the only explanation for our lead getting there ahead of time.)
Then or lead male says “I just came here to say I am more woman than you will ever be.” (Hands snapping all over the air). “And with, Hans, I am aiming high.”
Non conventional ending 2) Blah blah blah. Guy runs of his plane to catch up with this woman he could never let go (even though dipshit probably had a million clues ahead of time). Guy tells girl everything a woman would want to hear in that particular instance in time. Girl kicks guy in the nuts and says “yah, but I’m still not gunna fuck you.”
Non conventional ending 3) He runs off the plane to greet his love only to be tackled by a German Sheppard, Customs, Police, Department of Defense agent and linebacker all at the same time. Looks like our little lovebird will be spending some intimate time with the rubber glove. Everyone knows you can’t pull that kind of shit move after 911. You could be freakin nun and pull that shit and you still will end up having your cavity probed more than a Thanksgiving turkey or an abducted Midwest farmer.
Typical ending 2: This is the number one shit your pants in euphoria typical Hollywood teen movie ending. You know the one I am talking about. There is always that cat that is like president of the physics club and somehow ends up having to tutor some dumb jock whose dad owns the entire town. In the process he falls in love with the girl that ends up becoming prom queen. She ends up blowing off the jock in front of the whole audience to dance with the nerd. The end.
Non conventional ending 1) she blows the nerd off and ends up pressing a restraining order. Nerd ends up getting love in a 5 to 20 year increment in Folsom in the meantime.
Non conventional ending 2) since the mean jock always has to kick the nerd’s ass so you like the nerd that much more we have to come up with a different ending. Since all nerds are into Dungeons and Dragon’s the nerd busts out the green troll card which is minus 15 on the armor. Of course all in the cluster of jocks in the fight circle erupt in laughter. The nerd snaps and turns into a troll and ends up skull fucking each and every one of them to death. I mean that would kick ass no one would see that coming. It would kick more ass if you slip that feel good scene of the century AFTER your stereotypical teen movie earned a G rating for the Midwest audience demographic. Of course he won’t end up with the prom queen cause he snapped and skull fucked the prom king slash boyfriend to death. Who really gives an eff though cause the nerd is liberated and only liked the prom queen for her tah tahs anyways. The newly made troll will have ladies all over him anyways. I mean seriously what girl would not want to get it on with a troll. I mean I think about it everyday. There is nothing more badass than a troll. They hold bridges down bridges like it is nobodies business. You see if we really wanted to combat terrorist threats to something like the Golden Gate, all we need people is more trolls not FBI. Listening to the CIA/ FBI/Bush got us in trouble with the terrorists in the first place.
You see, Hollywood needs to change its shit up and I plan on being the screenwriter that does it. You got an ending you could see coming a mile away, give it to me. Then you won’t see the ending until it like kicks you in the nuts and drops you right there on the spot. The kind of treatment Hollywood writers should have gotten a loooooooong time ago.
CAP