It Will Probably Get Better
My period is always a reminder of what I can never be. What genetic code or the advancement of science can never change.
Or wishes or ill placed prayers.
Perhaps I am just tormenting myself when I ponder how different life would be if I had been born correctly. How my dad could have taught me everything he wanted to teach my brother. Here I am, though, and the chance has been gone since I was conceived.
My mum finally accessed some transgendered information through a show today. She called me telling me how it reminded her of me, but she also wanted to confirm that she's supportive. My mum is probably one of the most supportive out there, but god, does it not hurt when she tells me every day how she'll never be able to acknowledge me as anything, but her daughter. How can I tell her how this hurts when I know, I know! that she is crying over this. That she's suffering over this.
Fuck, fuck. I hate this. This will be my rest of life. If I die and there's nothing this is all the chance I received and I lived it as a modern freak. Cause that's what I am.
I did always wanted to be special, didn't I? Didn't stupid little Alex have dreams of being special? Well there you go.
Oh, my dad. My dad will never understand. Look at all these photos of me. Always calling me mija. How will he be, when he has another failure child he can't understand?
I don't know what to do. I'm not a boy. I don't have any boy parts.
I'm weak. I'm so weak- look! Look, I'm crying! I'm crying all the time. I want to be a man, but I'm crying. Doesn't society tell me men don't cry? I'm having my period.
I wish I could just stab it out of me.
Or wishes or ill placed prayers.
Perhaps I am just tormenting myself when I ponder how different life would be if I had been born correctly. How my dad could have taught me everything he wanted to teach my brother. Here I am, though, and the chance has been gone since I was conceived.
My mum finally accessed some transgendered information through a show today. She called me telling me how it reminded her of me, but she also wanted to confirm that she's supportive. My mum is probably one of the most supportive out there, but god, does it not hurt when she tells me every day how she'll never be able to acknowledge me as anything, but her daughter. How can I tell her how this hurts when I know, I know! that she is crying over this. That she's suffering over this.
Fuck, fuck. I hate this. This will be my rest of life. If I die and there's nothing this is all the chance I received and I lived it as a modern freak. Cause that's what I am.
I did always wanted to be special, didn't I? Didn't stupid little Alex have dreams of being special? Well there you go.
Oh, my dad. My dad will never understand. Look at all these photos of me. Always calling me mija. How will he be, when he has another failure child he can't understand?
I don't know what to do. I'm not a boy. I don't have any boy parts.
I'm weak. I'm so weak- look! Look, I'm crying! I'm crying all the time. I want to be a man, but I'm crying. Doesn't society tell me men don't cry? I'm having my period.
I wish I could just stab it out of me.